What could her motive be..does she want him for herself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2013
What could her motive be..does she want him for herself?
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 2:39am

There's this guy that I really like. I think he likes me too. We attend a small Catholic college with less than 1,500 students. He's a 20 yr old psychology student. (I'm not a psychology student. My major is food science) I will just refer to him as "J" here. Last year he said to my friend K, "Tell (my name) that I love her." I know K isn't lying because I asked her many times & her story details didn't change & I also saw the cellphone text he sent to her. There are other signs that he may like me too. For example- he blushes when he talks to me. He seems shy. And his guy friends tease him about me. Last January, I saw him stand with his male best friend in campus. I looked at him and his friend noticed I was looking at him. His friend grabbed his arm and he tried to get him to talk to me, but he was still shy and he tried to hide. As I walked by, he was blushing and sweating and his friend still had a grasp on him. Wow, he was nervous! I said "Hi" to him and he said "hi" in return, then I went to the library. And one of his other guy friends (a young English teacher at the school) told me that last February during an event at our school- "J" was playing the guitar in a band. After his performance- "J" was on stage glancing at the crowd. He asked his friend, "Where's S?" A while later- his friend asked him, "Who did you mean by 'S?'" J answered him, "S stands for (my name). My friend & my crush." He was looking for me. But he never told me directly that he likes me- maybe when he's ready he will do it. There's this other girl who is befriending me this year. I don't know her that well yet- but she's very friendly to me. She says "hi" to me sometimes when she sees me at school. We talked sometimes at school. She added me in facebook & she clicked "like" on many of my photos & status updates. She's a psych student & she's classmates with "J" in some major subjects.

She invited me to a seminar at our school & she told me that "J" will be there. During the seminar- (which was 2 weeks ago) "J" was singing & playing the guitar. She suggested, "Why don't you take a picture of him?" I said, "Can you do it for me?" She said, "ok" & she took 4 pics of him with my cellphone. Later on- I saw her sitting next to him & talking to him. She said, "He's my close friend- so if you have something to ask about him- come to me." (I was surprised when she said they are friends. I knew they were classmates but I didn't know that they were friends.) I asked if I could sit next to him, & she let me. She got up & I took her place. (She sat in a chair in front of me while I sat beside "J") I had a casual conversation with "J" then he left the room after about 15 min. I asked her, "Do you remember what I told u about him last semester?" She said, "yes- when he told K that he loves you." I said, "I will wait for him to say that to me himself in person. I won't ask him about it. I will just wait." She nodded. I asked her, "Did he ever mention me to you?" She said, "Yes. He asked where you are." I asked, "How many times did he ask this?" "About three times," she said. "Did he ever say anything else about me?" I asked her. She was silent- like she was trying to remember.

Then she said a few minutes later, "There's something he wants to tell you." I asked her, "What is it?" She said, "Better that he tells you himself." I asked, "When did he tell you this?" She said, "about 3 months ago." Then I wrote on a piece of paper so the other people won't hear, "What did he tell you 3 months ago?" She wrote back, "I told him to tell you the truth but he said he can't yet & u should just let the time decide when he will tell you about it." I felt worried. I couldn't wait & I wrote, "Tell me now so I won't get hurt." She wrote, "It's better that he will be the one to tell you. But my advice for you is to move on and find someone new. I don't want you to get hurt. You're my friend."
I wrote, "Tell me now or I'll get angry at you."
She finally wrote, "He has many friends and he drinks alcohol."
I asked her, "Is that all you wanted to tell me?" She said, "yes." I said, "I thought you were going to say that he doesn't like me & he only likes me as a friend." She said, "no." I asked her again 3 more times, "Is that all you wanted to tell me?" & she said "yes." I felt relieved. What she just told me is not a big deal for me. So what if "J" drinks alcohol? Many people drink alcohol- right? (I drink a small amount of red wine once in awhile.)

I was relieved what she told me because I thought she was going to say something like "He only likes you as a friend." But why earlier she said, "My advice for you is to MOVE ON and find someone new"? Could it be that she may want him for herself? I'm suspecting this because she said that he's her close friend. (If I have a boyfriend- I wouldn't like it if he has close female friends, because sometimes friends of the opposite sex can turn into lovers. I know that it doesn't always happen- but it's a possiblity)
I asked her, "You said he has many friends. Are most of them male or female?" She said, "Male." I said, "good. because I don't like it if he has many female friends."

UPDATE: I confronted "L" three days after the seminar. I wasn't able to see her in person since the seminar- so I confronted her in a facebook message.
I wrote this to her: "when you told me last saturday, 'he has many friends and he drinks alcohol'- that is not a bad thing. I will give him a chance because I really like him. I will try to get to know him more. It's not a bad thing if he has many friends- if most of his friends are guys and not girls. You shouldn't have told me to 'move on.' I hope that you don't want him for yourself. : P"

She replied less than an hour later. She wrote, "J is my best friend and I'm not interested in him in that way, ok? I have another guy as my boyfriend already."

I was surprised with her answer. I almost felt bad for being suspicious of her. I replied, "ok, I'm sorry. how much alcohol does J drink?" I didn't get a reply- but it says she read my msg. (facebook lets you know if the person read your msg or not. if the person opened your msg- there's a check mark at the end of your msg and it says "seen" and it indicates the time that the person read your msg) Because I didn't get a reply from her but I knew that she opened my msg- I sent her another msg. I wrote: "I still like him although he drinks alcohol. How much alcohol does he drink?" I'm still awaiting her reply.

So she claims that J is her best friend and she says that she only likes him as a friend. She says she has another guy as a boyfriend. Could I believe that? Could a guy and a girl really be best friends without ever becoming lovers? Could a guy and a girl really be platonic best friends??

I did start talking to "J" already. I did say that I had a casual conversation with him during the seminar. Towards the end of the seminar- after the girl (I will refer to her as "L" here)- told me that "J" has many friends & drinks alcohol- I went to the bathroom. When I returned- I rubbed my hands with hand sanitizer because I returned from the bathroom. I kept the bottle of hand sanitizer in my hand when the group of 40-50 people in the room began to form a circle for a game. We were instructed to hold hands with each person at both of our sides. "J"'s male cousin was standing besides me on the right & he suggested that I hold hands with "J" instead. "Put your bottle of hand sanitizer away so you can hold J's hand," someone suggested to me. I agreed. "J" was holding my hand at the right and a girl was holding my hand at the left. It was a hula hoop game. (Each person in the circle had to go through the hoop and pass it on to the next person while holding hands) Before the game started- I asked someone to take a picture of me & "J" holding hands. The person obeyed and I asked for a copy of the pic. When she was about to take the pic- "J" jerked away as if he didn't want the pic taken. But he went back to his place holding my hand and he allowed her to take the picture.

Most of the people in the group were thrilled when "J" & I were holding hands- although it was just a game. Some people were cheering. As soon as the game ended- "J" let go of my hand and he began to pack his things. I approached him and I said to him, "Bye. You are welcome to come to my house when you're ready." He smiled and he gave me a thumbs up sign.
That was it. That was 2 weeks ago.
(earlier at the seminar when I was having a casual conversation with him about an hour before the game- I told him, "I know that you're good at playing the guitar." He nodded. I said, "I play the piano." He asked, "What songs do you play?" I said, "If you come to my house- I will show you what songs.")

The night after the seminar- my friend "K" told me that her classmates were at the seminar and they told her that they thought it was romantic when "J" & I were holding hands and most of the people there felt happy for us.

P.S. During the seminar, he left the room. When he returned- I looked at him and he smiled at me. I noticed that his eyebrows raised as he smiled at me. I smiled in return. I heard that the raising of the eyebrows in a male is a sign of attraction. There were times during the seminar when I was the one who smiled at him first and he returned the smile. But there were times when he was the one who smiled at me first.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2013

It seems like this has been going on quite a while now, and if he is that shy, it has built up a lot of pressure. You should stop talking to everyone else about him and talk directly to him. Having him come over to your house might be too much pressure as well, invite him for a walk around a park or neighborhood that way you can have a conversation that isn't in front of all your friends. Be direct and honest--that you though he really liked you, and you like him but now you are getting mixed signals. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

A lot of people have jobs while they are in college.  How many hours a week does he work?  And even when people are busy, they will indicate some interest.  I just would assume he's not that interested unless he actually asks you out, so I wouldn't spend too much time thinking about him.  Look around & find another guy who might actually be interested in dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2013

How long should i wait for him to come to my house before I move on?

(Someone told me that he's busy because he's working as a sacristan in the Catholic church to help pay for his college tuition. But no matter how busy a guy is- he'll make time for a girl if he really likes her)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

It's kind of hard to believe that you're in college with all this kind of indirect stuff going on and people not speaking for themselves.  I still have my old high school diary and it's pretty funny to read it now (since I'm middle aged).  I would always look for these "signs" that a boy liked me--oh he smiled at me, he said hi, etc.  Honestly if the guy is 20 years old, he is old enough to ask you on a date if he wants to--or at least to say "let's hang out" if he doesn't want to be so bold about it.  I can't believe that your friends were "cheering" because the 2 of you held hands--that must have been quite embarrassing for him.  You've indicated interest by inviting him over--now if he doesn't take the bait, then it proves that he's not interested.  I've learned from experience that getting a 3rd party involved in your business is usually a bad idea, so I'd stop asking the other friend what the guy says about you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

You've now invited him to your house twice. The ball is in his court. Don't make any more effort into inviting him to do anything. Even if he's shy, you've made it clear that you're interested in him. It's his turn to pursue you. If he doesn't, you should move on. I don't know why guys show signs that they're interested and then pass the chance to get together when given the green light. It's happened to me before, as well. His reasons are his own and they're not for you to figure out. God or fate has someone better in store for you. Have faith in that. Good luck.