What to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
What to do?
6
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 1:19pm

I am currently "seeing" this guy. He's very nice and thoughtful, would do just about anything for me, would probably marry me if I agreed to, and he's good to talk to when I need to talk. He is really "head over heals" for me. But I have seen his bad temper a few times. Also he tells me he loves me. I have told him several times that I am not in love with him but he seems convinced that i am but for some reason he thinks I don't want to admit it. I enjoy kissing him and giving him hugs and cuddling with him. I like hanging around with him because he's the only person I know right now that is willing to do just about everything that i like to do and that lives close enough. We have fun and laugh together quite a bit. I've had sex with him a few times but decided I don't really feel all that comfortable doing that because I don't feel like I am really in love with him. He keeps telling me that I am but that I just don't want to admit it because I'm afraid of getting hurt or something. I'm not sure what my "problem" is or if I am indeed the problem. He keeps asking me when we are going to "make love" again and I keep putting him off and trying to avoid the subject. I guess I just like his company and really don't want anything else right now. Why isn't he getting the "hint" that I don't want to have sex with him anymore right now? Is he really convinced that i really AM in love with him or is he just trying to get into my pants since he was able to a few times already? Might I add that we "dated" for several months before I would agree to have sex with him. So he waited a "long" time for it to happen. Do you think he is sincere since he was willing to wait so long?

I need some advice. Thanks in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
In reply to: aspenjuly
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 4:01pm

Hold up...

>He keeps telling me that I am but that I just don't want to admit it because I'm afraid of getting hurt or something.<

What the heck does this mean? "He tells you..." Since when does he have any say-so over your feelings?

From the outside looking in, you've got yourself a controller on your hands. And what do you mean by this - "Why isn't he getting the "hint" that I don't want to have sex with him anymore right now?"

There's no hint. You either have sex with him or you don't. It's a simple word - NO. If he doesn't like it - TOUGH. What do you want with a "friend" like that anyway?

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: aspenjuly
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 8:33am

"I enjoy kissing him and giving him hugs and cuddling with him. I like hanging around with him because he's the only person I know right now that is willing to do just about everything that i like to do and that lives close enough."

I'm thinking you're definitely sending him mixed signals. If you just want him as a friend, you need to cut the physical stuff with him. And I think just a frank discussion is needed to settle this. It may end your friendship altogether with him since he obviously wants more. Could it be you're getting a huge ego boost having him hang around like this wanting you? Do you really want to just be friends?

I'm thinking you just need to decide what this relationship needs to be for you then let him know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: aspenjuly
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 10:38am
You need to have a long talk with him and tell him the way things are. I understand you feel a great friendship toward this man but he sees things very differently from you. I'd suggest you might want to create some distance between yourself and him because he seems to refuse to understand your position. If you leave him be he can find a woman that is right for him, and you can move on as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: aspenjuly
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 11:14am
Agreed - the guy has no right telling you how you really feel, and certainly don't allow yourself to be pressured in to sex if you are ambivalent!!
,
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
In reply to: aspenjuly
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 1:57pm
I think a man's sincerity cannot entirely be measured by how long he waited to have sex with you - his actions and how he treats you are better indicators of that. You mentioned that he had a "bad temper." What exactly did that look like? If it was anything that was even a little bit scary or intimidating, please be careful. I think you need to be up front about your decision to wait until you are comfortable to have sex again, because (lol) men are usually dorks when it comes to taking hints. ;) It's your right to change your mind in regards to what you are comfortable with in a relationship, but he needs to know so that there is no confusion about what's going on between you two. Best, Muna
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
In reply to: aspenjuly
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 10:33pm

I just hate to lose him as a friend altogether if I insist on how I really feel. But I guess it is only fair to both of us if I set things straight. Plus, seeing (or hearing) his temper was a scary thing so perhaps I shouldn't want his company at all.

I don't have many other friends so I hate to lose him altogether. Gosh, I sound confused.