What to do?????
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| Mon, 08-21-2006 - 10:12am |
I started seeing a co-worker a little over 3 months ago. I had just come out of a divorce and he has been broken up from his girlfriend for about 4 years.
He and his ex had lived together for about 2 years prior to the break up. She was seeing someone else while living together and got married to the person about 2 weeks after she moved out of my boyfriends home.
I have always hesitated about workplace relationships, but the two of us just instantly had this strong connetion.
SO... we are having a great time, and from the get go his ex is encouraging the realtionship (she also works with us) He used to spend his lunch breaks with her and run her errands etc...
Since he has been spending lunchs with me she has become territorial over him and now tells me things like I dont know him, only she does etc... basically trying to get my goat. I dont play the game and dont volunteer info to her anymore. In the past she has always said to everyone here at work, that if and when she divoreces her husband she can always go back to my man. She loves to bra about how she still has a key to the house and how her clothes are still there and that her name is on the electric bill still...
She looks for reasons to go out and find him and talk to him and after hours when we are together I know she calls because her face pops up on his cell phone.
He and I have talked about her and I have point blank asked if he is still in love with her or has plans on getting back together. He has said under no cercumstances would he get back with her but, this is the part that REALLY confuses me, he still has her pictures ALL over the house. There are about a dozen of them on the wall going up the stairs, on the walls of the bedroom, on the coffee tables, and even the ones still on his frig.
When we first started dating, I asked him about his realtionship with her and what his plans were and let him know the pics didnt bother me but would like to see them down eventually. That was 2 months ago. Now I am getting tired of cuddling with him and looking over his shoulder and see her in a pic with ime cuddling or kissing or whatever it is that is in the various locations. She also uses the fact that they are up as a sign that he is still in love with her. I dont lie to her when she asks if he has taken them down because she has said she goes into the house from time to time.
I guess I am just very confused. I am in love with this one. I dont know if he loves me, he has never said it. I said it once and felt like I might have said it too soon so now I hold it back so that he doesnt feel uncomfortable or pressured. I didnt say it to hear it parroted back, it was how I felt and the moment and let him know.
Its been a while since I have been in the early stages of a realtionship and dont know if I am going too fast or if as his ex says, he just really isnt into me. He says he is crazy about me. I know he says he goes slow and thats ok, I am just used to men who have moved at the same speed I have and didnt have thier ex all over the place.
The ex I guess is just really playing with my head and I am falling for it. I just wish he would get rid of the pictures and her things in the closet and through out the house, change the locks, bascially close the door on that realationship.
He started keeping my items in the same closet so when I go to get my slipers or robe I have to look at her stuff right there next to mine. I stay over maybe once a week, sometimes more depending on our work schedual.
A friend gave us a picture she took of me and that is tucked away under my clothes on his dresser and not out on a table someplace.
Am I moving too fast? Do I have a reason to be worried or am I reading too much into this? I really want this to work. I am not sure what to do here. We have talked about her and the past. He sees me in his future and is very happy with me, so he says. I dont want to keep bringing her up, if he wants to be her step and fetch it boy, I am not going to force him to stop or to force him to take the pictures down. I am just trying to understand it all and figure where my place is in all of it, if ther really is one.
What do I do next?

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I hate to tell you this, but a man who is ready for a new relationship takes the pictures of the ex down, sends her stuff back Fedex and gets her name off of the utility bill.
I think both of you might have entered into a new relationship too soon. You might want to take some time for yourself and get your feet on the ground after your divorce. This man needs to find some closure to his relationship with his exgirlfriend so he can move on in a healthy manner as well.
I also am a little uncomfortable that you, your boyfriend and his ex all work together. This all seems a little too close for comfort.
Was that a typo in your post, or has he really been broken up with her for FOUR YEARS???
If it's not a typo, then it's beyond weird, IMO, that he still has all that stuff of hers and the pictures.
Sheri
I have been seperated and divorced for almost 2 years and have been dating. I dont have any pictures up of ANY of my ex's. He says they are there because she had put them up and after she left he had nothing to put up in thier places. I believe that to an extent but come on....The work thing is a challenge, I swore I would never get involved with someone at work but, when we are together its just wonderful...I have to say though, if i didnt know who the woman on the walls was the first time he invited me to the house , I would have thought she was a dead wife or something... I know I would have labeled him a wacko when I found out it ws the ex and never gone back...
He has so many great qualities and a warm caring personality, I dont want to toss this one back if I can work this out. But exactly how much time do I give him or how do I approach it again?
No more time, IMO. If it's a dealbreaker for you (and it sure would be for me), I'd ask him to get rid of the pictures and clothes NOW. He's had plenty of time--that doesn't seem to be the issue.
I would just say, "I'm sorry, but I'm really uncomfortable with the fact that you still have these pictures up and her clothes are in the closet after so long. I'd really appreciate it if you took care of them. Plus, the fact that she has a key is just not cool with me."
If he doesn't take immediate action, then I'd really re-think this.
Sheri
Umm, yeah, whatever.
I am going over there tonight, dont know if that is a good time to bring it up again and not sure just how to approach it...
K
Well, I don't think it's making "demands", it's stating your boundaries, which IMO are perfectly appropriate in this situation.
How long ago did your co-worker have that conversation with him? If it was very recently (like a week or two ago, max), then maybe he just needs some time for it to sink it before he takes action. But if it was longer ago than that, then yes, I think his actions (or lack therof) are speaking louder than his words.
Sheri
OK, since it was so recent, I say back off for now.
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