What to do?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
What to do?????
17
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 10:12am

I started seeing a co-worker a little over 3 months ago. I had just come out of a divorce and he has been broken up from his girlfriend for about 4 years.
He and his ex had lived together for about 2 years prior to the break up. She was seeing someone else while living together and got married to the person about 2 weeks after she moved out of my boyfriends home.
I have always hesitated about workplace relationships, but the two of us just instantly had this strong connetion.
SO... we are having a great time, and from the get go his ex is encouraging the realtionship (she also works with us) He used to spend his lunch breaks with her and run her errands etc...
Since he has been spending lunchs with me she has become territorial over him and now tells me things like I dont know him, only she does etc... basically trying to get my goat. I dont play the game and dont volunteer info to her anymore. In the past she has always said to everyone here at work, that if and when she divoreces her husband she can always go back to my man. She loves to bra about how she still has a key to the house and how her clothes are still there and that her name is on the electric bill still...
She looks for reasons to go out and find him and talk to him and after hours when we are together I know she calls because her face pops up on his cell phone.
He and I have talked about her and I have point blank asked if he is still in love with her or has plans on getting back together. He has said under no cercumstances would he get back with her but, this is the part that REALLY confuses me, he still has her pictures ALL over the house. There are about a dozen of them on the wall going up the stairs, on the walls of the bedroom, on the coffee tables, and even the ones still on his frig.
When we first started dating, I asked him about his realtionship with her and what his plans were and let him know the pics didnt bother me but would like to see them down eventually. That was 2 months ago. Now I am getting tired of cuddling with him and looking over his shoulder and see her in a pic with ime cuddling or kissing or whatever it is that is in the various locations. She also uses the fact that they are up as a sign that he is still in love with her. I dont lie to her when she asks if he has taken them down because she has said she goes into the house from time to time.
I guess I am just very confused. I am in love with this one. I dont know if he loves me, he has never said it. I said it once and felt like I might have said it too soon so now I hold it back so that he doesnt feel uncomfortable or pressured. I didnt say it to hear it parroted back, it was how I felt and the moment and let him know.
Its been a while since I have been in the early stages of a realtionship and dont know if I am going too fast or if as his ex says, he just really isnt into me. He says he is crazy about me. I know he says he goes slow and thats ok, I am just used to men who have moved at the same speed I have and didnt have thier ex all over the place.
The ex I guess is just really playing with my head and I am falling for it. I just wish he would get rid of the pictures and her things in the closet and through out the house, change the locks, bascially close the door on that realationship.
He started keeping my items in the same closet so when I go to get my slipers or robe I have to look at her stuff right there next to mine. I stay over maybe once a week, sometimes more depending on our work schedual.
A friend gave us a picture she took of me and that is tucked away under my clothes on his dresser and not out on a table someplace.
Am I moving too fast? Do I have a reason to be worried or am I reading too much into this? I really want this to work. I am not sure what to do here. We have talked about her and the past. He sees me in his future and is very happy with me, so he says. I dont want to keep bringing her up, if he wants to be her step and fetch it boy, I am not going to force him to stop or to force him to take the pictures down. I am just trying to understand it all and figure where my place is in all of it, if ther really is one.
What do I do next?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: aaeon
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 5:06pm

In that case, I'd give it a week or so after he gets home and wait until then to bring it up again. You've put up with it this long, what's another week ;-)?

And if I'm reading your first post correctly, you said the pictures didn't bother you but you wanted to see them come down eventually, right? Well, it's "eventually"!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
In reply to: aaeon
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 5:09pm
It didnt bother me at first. We were both getting to know one another better at that time when I brought it up. It just seemed odd to me so I asked if they were still together or planning on getting back and if that was the case so be it but that I wasnt interested inbeing a fling. I told him that he would have to take them down eventually because there would come a point that it would bother me, or if we had friends over it wouldnt be right. He agreed. SO, the one that bothers me the most is the one on the frig. He has pics of me, why cant he put that in place or just toss the stupid thing? I am so perplexed by this.
K
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: aaeon
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 5:22pm
Definitely on the "not bothering you at first but they should come down eventually" - exactly my point.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
In reply to: aaeon
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 9:37am
Thank you all for your advice!
I'll give him another week and a half and then see if anything has changed. I am one that hates confrontation of any kind so bringing it up will be difficult. I do like the comment that it is disrespectful to me, I will use that.
I think I let his ex get in my head a tad too much with her comments. I have never been in a situation where I had to deal with an ex on a daily basis. I hope her manipulative actions tone down with time. I have been trying to avoid her or steer away from personal conversation when I am with her.
Eventually if things go well for us she will become a non-issue. I wish there was a guide book for all this!!!
I guess I have just been lucky in the past with the men I dated, We were always on the same page and moved at the same speed.
I feel something special for this one, and dont want to see it messed up by stupid things in the past.
Advice more than welcomed!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
In reply to: aaeon
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 7:19pm

Looks like he isn't over her yet. It doesn't look like she is either.

You say you are in love with him, but are getting tired of his ex interferring into your affairs with him. If the ex is married, why is she still staying in touch and coming to his house? She is cheating her husband. What a trouble-maker she is to you and your relationship to him.

Do you think you can stand this situation for long? I would tell him how you feel and say that it is difficult to be in a relationship with him because of her interference.

I wish you lots of luck and happiness. Hope you can make him understand your position.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
In reply to: aaeon
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 4:24pm
I had a talk with him about a week and a half ago just before he went away and let him know what she had been saying to me and the inapropriate comments she made during a meeting. It was a good talk and he opened up to me about what happened during the relationship. Its very interesting, she would tell me he is not interested in ever getting married or having kids. He is interested in that, he just wasnt with her.
I am going to take a breath and see what happens in say 2 weeks, thats enough time isnt it? He wants to take this slow and I am trying my best. Its hard not to get frustrated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: aaeon
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 4:32pm
Taking a break is probably a good thing. This man needs to make a decision about getting this lady out of his life or being honest that he is still deeply emotionally involved with her.

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