what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
what to do?
1
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 4:37pm
I have been going out with this guy for a couple of weeks (actually only 2 dates) we have been talking via phone, email for almost a month now, we met online.

thing is tho i am not really sure what he is wanting from a relationship/me. a booty call, someone to date every once in awhile, a friend, or a serious,long term relationship.

we've already gotten physical. but lately i just dont know. he doesnt seem to be as talkative on line as he was (emails are short few words) doesnt call much (tho i hvae been out of town for a family emergency) he got upset cause i didnt call him when i got back into town, we got in really late (midnight) and i wasnt sure if he wanted to see me again cause from bad past relationships i've never heard from the guy after we had sex, esp those i met online.

he said he does want to go out again, tho dont kno when (i've offered up some days i'm free etc)

question is tho, i dont like guessing i like to kno right up front what i'm getting into, what the guy wants and i cant really tell with him. is it ok to ask him what he is looking for from me, a relationship?

should i just back off and let him do the contacting (i sent him an email stating if he wanted to go out sometime, tomorrow or next week to give me a call) or what? i dont want to come across as needed tho i fear i maybe. i dont want to seem clingy. tho i like this guy and he seems so far like a nice guy.

any ideas hints, what should i do etc? advise?

please help i dont want to screw this relationship up and i'm tired of failing relationships!!!

sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: glitzekleines
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 5:31pm
Just a few comments.

"from bad past relationships i've never heard from the guy after we had sex, esp those i met online."

And yet you have "gotten physical" with him already after only 2 dates with him? If your own past experience has told you this isn't a good idea, why do you keep making the same bad choices for yourself over and over?

I think it's a bad idea to conduct any type of extended communication (notice I didn't say relationship, and for good reason) with someone online or via phone. A person is a stranger until you get to know them face to face and in person. You simply cannot get to know someone over the computer or phone. Period. Even though it feels like you are, you aren't. My advice would be to forget about emails, IMs and long phone conversations and get together with him to talk or spend time. If he doesn't ask you, then ask him. If he comes up with excuses not to, then tell him "Good to meet you but this isn't what I'm looking for. Best wishes. Bye."

Ask him what he's looking for *in general* (it's too early for him to know what he wants to have with you in particular -- you don't really know one another despite all your computer contact and getting physical). How can someone know what he wants to develop with you before knowing you well? If what he's looking for *in general* doesn't jive with what you are looking for *in general* then you know you're not a right fit for one another right away.

Sounds like despite all the phoning and emails there's not much real communication going on between you. Misunderstandings, confusion, uncertainty, etc. all stem from a lack of communication.

Hope this helps and good luck.