What to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
What to do?
2
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 8:06pm
I'm 20 years old - I've lived with my parents for all of my life - and I must say that life was very sheltered. I never went out to clubs, or went out on a Friday night. I just moved to a new town a few months ago and became really good friends with a guy. We were both fighting off our feelings for each other and then one day I heard that his girlfriend was cheating on him. My best friend and I - told him. I also told him that I had this massive crush on him and that if she ever hurt him, I'd well, be really pissed at her. He told me that he thought I didn't like him - but he did. He felt the same.

We've been "seeing" each other for about a week and a half - he's still living with his "girlfriend" and I've told him on no uncertain terms, that if he wanted me then he'd have to dump his "girlfriend". He told me that he wants to be with only me but he can't kick her out yet because he'd be short on rent. A lot. So supposedly, next week he's going to "ditch" her and devote all his attention to me. It's really hard because we're getting closer and closer. He even called me today when his girlfriend was still around him. He told me that he wants me to go on a vacation with him the first week of August - like nine states away.

Every time he talks to me, or looks at me, I feel like I'm the luckiest girl alive. I've had boyfriends before and this is completely different. It's a completely different level. The way we talk to each other is like adults, and I literally feel like I am ready to have a serious relationship. He tells me that he wants to take me out places, and buy me flowers every day and treat me like the woman I am. Honestly, it makes me melt inside. I honestly feel like he could be the one - I can totally see us ten years down the road - and the picture is clear. I've never had an image so clear in my mind as this one.

My questions are:

1) Do I go on the vacation with him in a month? His parents are going too - so it's not like it's just me and him. My sister says this is a bad idea. What's so wrong about going on a trip with a new boyfriend? Why do I have to feel like I have to ask for permission to go?

2) He's told me that next Thursday is the day she's history that way he can guarantee she pays for the month that she stayed (Thursday is payday). She's already filed for a transfer at work but what do I do if she doesn't leave? How long do I wait? I want to wait for him - but I feel like if he doesn't get her out by when he says he will; he's just playing me. What do I do?

3) I have always said that I was going to wait until marriage to have sex. I always thought that was the responsible thing to do. But now that I'm with him - I realize that I want to have a serious relationship and that includes being intimate and I feel like I am old enough to make my own decisions. But I am petrified. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am but I honestly don't see myself that way and I know that I could never be intimate with someone if I'm not even comfortable with myself. Maybe that's a sign that I'm not ready or maybe it's just a sign of inexperience - how do I tell? I know all the "safe sex" guides - but I am absolutely petrified. I don't want to have sex and get pregnant. I'm petrified to get undressed in front of him. I think that I'm too fat - and why would he want a fat girl? What do I do?

Thank you for your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mauigirl1004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 8:28pm
So you WANT to be with a guy that will be with someone else behind his girlfriend's back?

You WANT to be with someone else that wants her to pay rent THEN he kicks her out because he's lacking in financial stability?

I mean come on......what he does 'for' you - he'll do to you.

quite likely, she wont' be history anytime soon if she's paying the bulk of his bills. It's just that you've told him one thing (he's got to ditch her to be with you) while you've actually done something completely different (be with him when he hasn't ditched her yet).

So basically, when he can't ditch her next month and is forced to take her on vacation because he wants a vacation and she's willin to foot the bill- how are you going to 'feel".

You're treating how you feelabout yourself based on his attention and desire for you - as a goal and a fact and you're acting on it as such.

The guy is a loser. He lacks finiancial stability. His values justify hiim cheating on her, while she foots his bills. And he's 'offering" to take yo uon a vacation and you're so grateful for the offer that you're treating him as if he's already ditched her, already gotten emotionally stable and financially secure, and already booked your tickets.

You're being played.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: mauigirl1004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 6:54pm
Again, I must agree with Erin.

If a guy is willing to cheat on a girl (or a girl on a guy) there is no guarantee that they will not do the same to you. If this guy is really that unhappy with this girl he would have left her. Due to the fact that he's admitted that he's only waiting for her money- doesn't that just SCREAM immature? You mentioned that you heard that his girlfriend was cheating on him and because you liked him, you thought you'd tell him. Did you actually SEE the girlfriend in bed with someone else, or was it just rumour? So you tell the guy his girlfriend is cheating and in the same breath tell him how much you like him? You just opened the door to him using you, is that what you want? This guy cannot be faithful to his girlfriend, so where does it say he would be faithful to you IF you become the girlfriend?

He sounds like a user. He's only keeping her around for her paycheck. And how long will he keep you around for? Maybe he'll convince you to move in so he can get some money out of you? What is he going to do next month for rent? Doesn't sound stable to me at all. You said, " but I feel like if he doesn't get her out by when he says he will; he's just playing me." LISTEN TO THAT INNER VOICE TELLING YOU THAT.

So you mention the vacation, that he wants you to go. But his parents are going as well. Why do I have the suspicion that he's not paying a cent for the vacation, that his parents are probably paying that bill? How would you go? Would you be footing your own bill or have THEY extended the offer to you? Where would you stay, how would you get around? What is his motivation for getting you on the trip?

Lastly, there is always the point in the beginning where someone's attention is overwhelming. It's great and feels wonderfully flattering to hear all that we feel we need to hear. I don't argue that it feels nice to be wanted, but you can't give into that. You have your values and have decided that you want to wait until you are married to have sex. You should not throw that value away with the first guy who comes along with the sweet talk. Think how you'll feel when you have sex and he doesn't call the next day- or ever? That's where I see this going. You say you are ready for a mature relationship, then go find one, you will not find one here with this guy. Mature men do not play around on thier girlfriends. They are responsible and think about how their actions and words will affect others. They do not keep some girl around just to pay the bills. And they certainly do not string some other girl along- yes I mean you.

Stand up tall and be proud of who you are and move on from this guy, you can and WILL do a lot better. Look past the superficial layers he is showing and find his true character and his true motivations. You deserve respect- you will not find it with this guy. Remember, you do not want to have sex, you do not want to get pregnant, you do not want a disease. Any guy who respects you will not push you for sex, they will honour your wishes.

And you cannot be so hard on yourself, I'm sure you are a wonderful beautiful person and you do not need a guy just to tell you that. If you are unhappy with your body, then do something to feel better about yourself. I have done just that for myself lately by getting a great haircut and joining a gym. Men do not complete us, they are a nice add on. Get to know yourself and become more confident in your self.

Please remember, that little voice in your head has a lot to say and only has your best interest at heart.

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