what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
what to do?
4
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 11:14pm
Looking for some input/advice here.......

My situation: Girl initiated contact with me from an online dating site. After exchanged e-mails for a week or two, decided to meet last Tuesday. Had a great time and "date" ended with a little kiss. Ask if can make plans to see again and she mentions Thursday. Call Wednesday to confirm. Date #2 on Thursday excellent again and she winds up sleeping over (intimacy but no sex- lots of talking and almost no sleep). She mentions during the night that she has never been in a relationship longer than 3 months and also mentions a lot of friends-most of whom are male-over the course of the night offhand. She also mentions in sayiing that she has never been in a relationship longer than 3 months that she has continued to see men whom she used to date as "friends with benefits" in the past. A little warning flag goes up but I don't think that much of it having been in similar situations in the past. Also, she does not come across as "easy" in the night she spent over- kissing etc. but specific limits.

She works Thursday-Sunday so don't see/talk much to her after except for a few brief text messages and phone calls until Sunday. On Friday night she works until 12. Saturday I hung out with friends and didn't call. Talk to her Saturday and come to find out that she drove to a town 70 miles away after she got off of work Friday to see a male friend. She spent the night there. Obviously I was highly skeptical about this situation but I hold it in. Meet again on Sunday night but it was just for dinner in public. I was starting a new job on Monday and had to get up early and she works weekends and got off late + didn't want to drive so met up in her end of town. Date was fine but does not end with any physical contact. A couple minutes after we part ways I call her- I had to know what the situation was with the male friend she stayed with. I had been wanting to bring up the subject all night but we had no privacy at dinner and I didn't want to come across as making accusations or being jealous. She tells me that she dated the guy once a long time ago but he is just a friend and she is a monogomous person. Since our parting seemed a little odd in the wake of Thursday I ask where our relationship is going- are we just friends or is the possibility here for something more? She says "it's up in the air right now......this is your decision too." I feel pretty relieved at this point and she says I was silly for not bringing this up earlier but that she'll talk to me later.

She has Monday-Wednesday off. I call during lunch at my first day at work and she doesn't answer-I don't leave a message. This whole time (from Tuesday up until Sunday) I had been either calling or sending a little text message every day and she had been responding. I started thinking "I am too predictable here/clingy" I won't call again today. Don't hear from her. Tuesday I call at lunch and leave a message. She doesn't call back hmmmm. I call back after work and don't leave a message. She has a cell phone so I'm assuming that even if I don't leave a message she will see that I called. 9PM and still haven't heard from her. I kinda flip out at this point and do something stupid- I send her a text message that says "Are you intentionally not answering your phone? *confused*" Why do I do this? She has always responded to my calls/messages promptly so I am wonderig why she isn't now? Immediately I regret sending message. I'm thinking how clingy this probably looks. Go to bed pissed off assuming I have ruined any chance at this relationship.

Surprise-at lunch today I check my messages and she has sent a reply- "I wasn't answering my phone because I've been busy and haven't had it with me." (what does this mean? should I be encouraged that she has even replied?" I reply "Eeek *embarassed* I regretted sending you that message as soon as I sent it. I was in an overly analytical mood. TTYL -B"

This is where things stand now. What to do? Wait for her to call? Call her? My plan is to wait and call her tomorrow night and play it off like nothing is amiss. Unfortunately she will be back working tomorrow and I was really hoping to see her one of these days she has off. Now I'm thinking I will be lucky to ever see her again period.



This is long as hell. I guess it shows how excited I was/am about this girl. Looking back and reading this over I realize how neurotic this all sounds. I just feel very vulnerable now for having feelings for her and not knowing if they are reciprocated. I want to baby this along and not be too clingy such as to scare her off but I think I may have failed. I was in a 2 year relationship that ended a year ago but this is the first relationship that feels like it could develop into something meaningful since the breakup.

Thoughts? =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: bostonm2000
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 12:57am
Welcome to dating....sorry, she seems interested, just do not get neurotic, women hate that desperate type. cool it for awhile if she wants to talk to you she will...hope this helps...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
In reply to: bostonm2000
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 2:28am
kind of sounds like she just isnt really interested in anything more than casual dating once and a while with you, or i think she would be making the time to call you back to just say hi or what not...no matter how busy u are, there is always time for a 2 minute phone call to someone that you care about!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: bostonm2000
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 10:56am
Hi

You don't know this girl at all (and what little you know doesn't bespeak well for a major relationship - more later on that), so your "neurotic, clingy" feelings aren't about her but about what she's summoning up in you. It's been a long time since you've been with anyone that "got" to you.
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
In reply to: bostonm2000
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 8:59pm
Thanks everyone for your input.

I guess she isn't the one for me.....no call and I don't plan on calling. Feelings have already dissipated to the point I don't care whether or not if she calls anymore.

As someone mentioned, my neurotic feelings are about more than just this girl.

I just hate how long and tedious the dating process is. The games of cat and mouse. The emotional swings as prospects come and go. I feel myself becoming more and more bitter with each failed relationship. I will be 27 next month and friends left and right are engaged and in happy relationships or married and I'm plugging along with no real possibilities in sight. I'm sure I'll here "you need to be comfortable im your own skin and need time to heal" suggestions but I think a year is more than enough (that is the time it has been since my last sig. relationship). I don't need a woman to be happy but I don't feel like my life is quite whole/complete without one by my side.

Well, back to square one *again*

Sigh