What to do about a widower

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
What to do about a widower
5
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 2:55pm

Hello out there...this is the first time at a board for me but I am at my wit's end about something and figured there has to be someone out there that can provide good advice.

I am a administrator at a university, not that great looking, and over 40. I have my own interests, a son who just turned 21, and enjoy working with my horses. I was not looking for a relationship but in the past couple of months something has come up and now I am not sure what to do.

There is a gentleman at the university that lost his wife to cancer a little over a year ago, they had been married for 12 years, no children, and had recently moved here for his job. We begin talking at football games this past fall just general conversations and because as a friend put it my radar was down, I did not think it was more than that. In Jan. we started serving on a committee together that was meeting quite a bit, well a couple of the committee members came to me asking what was happening between us because we always sat together and there seemed to be some chemistry happening. Again, radar down so started paying more attention...well we get along very well and have a good time when we visit, which we did about this committee, work, students, etc.,...well, one afternoon we had to do something together for the committee (which he volunteered to do with me) and we talked some more about more personal things. He was having a health issue with his dog so I listened and such, after our committee work I gave him my card and wrote down my cell # and home # and told him not to be a stranger seeing that this committee was over. He in turned gave me his card with all his numbers on it, however, no phone calls. We touchbase by email about light things and the other day we went to coffee and he asked what my interests were, about my family told me a little about his, talked about his wife's death, and it was a great and unexpected conversation. When it ended he said we need to do this again. I emailed him that afternoon and thanked him told him I enjoyed myself and was wondering if I could ask him something (non work related) and to give me a call on my cell or at home. He emailed back saying he enjoyed himself and he would call sometime...no calls as of yet except for work issues (sort of)...after visiting with him at the coffee, I discovered he was into home and non-social events seeing that we deal with the social everyday at work...so my non work related question was going to be about inviting to my house for dinner...did I do something wrong? He has called once since then (today) about a meeting concerning a scholarship but no mention of my question...have others read this wrong or is this about patience? Or do I need to be less subtle? I am kind of a forthright person so this is killing me and I do not like to play games but understand that he has been through alot and want to do the right thing. ANYBODY have any suggestions?

Thanks much for any support or advice you can throw this way:-)
Montanabren

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 3:30pm

In my opinion, since you are the one with the question, you should come out and ask it, rather than wait for him to ask you what you want to ask him.

Just call him up and say you wanted to know if he wants to have dinner with you next week! Then you will know very quickly where things stand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 3:36pm

Well, after I posted this the answer came...he called to find out about something work related and then when I asked what he was doing this week (spring break here) he said taking Friday off because a friend was flying in from Portland and he needed to pick her up at the airport...wow, how could so many people be wrong? Story of my life...but thanks for repsonding and maybe that is what I should have done from the beginning is just be me.

Montanabren

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 3:44pm

What would be so horrible about having this man as a friend? It sounds like you have a nice friendship developing....enjoy it!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 4:11pm

Normally, I would think that but it seems that I am always the friend and this one felt different, it seemed like he was interested beyond friendship but I understand what you have said...thanks. I guess I will just wait and see what happens but continue back to my life like I had it before everyone said I should pay attention to this chemistry. UGH, give me horses:-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 4:50pm

Don't give up yet! All is not over. Just because he has a female friend coming to visit him does not mean that he has no interest in you. Note he didn't say "girlfriend" or "significant other." So in my mind he really hasn't give you an answer about whether he is interested in you.

While I wouldn't ask him to dinner for the weekend she's in town, I would still ask him to dinner for another time. He can't be expected to put his life on hold until he learns you like him. So let him know -- ask him to dinner. He may be thrilled!

((Hugs!))