What to do in this crazy situation
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| Fri, 05-26-2006 - 12:16pm |
I'm older and I should have better judgement about men...but when it comes down to finding someone I've fallen for its hard to foresee your emotions. I recently met a younger man, he's 6 years younger than I am, which isn't a big gap. I found him v. charming, attractive, and talented. I met him online and met him the next day, he pursued me for a week after our initial meeting. He would call and text me practically everyday and say how he thought about me and all that makes me feel wanted and special. I was out of town so we decided to meet for dinnter...afterward I went back to his apt and ended up sleeping with him. Afterwards it became awkward, it seemed as though he stopped being interested or didn't make me feel good about myself. I felt empty and used. He'd barely start a conversation with me and when I left, he didn't bother to walk me out or even worried if I got home safe...like he did before. I know the situation, I was just one of his conquests. I should stay away and not speak to him anymore and all that he's interested in is a sexual relationship. I've seen him 3 times after that and its been the same. We don't even go on a date, its just meeting as his apt.
The funny thing is he doesn't come across being someone like that, he's really nice and is somewhat nerdy and goofy, not your player type or least expect it. I like every aspect of him and I can't seem to say no whenever he text me or calls. I've fallen for him. I know better, I just in a vulnerable state and I not sure what to do at this point.
Its hard to let go cuz I'm so into him and perhaps I'm judging him too quickly. What is happening here?
thanks for listening.

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Well, you either accept it for what it is, a booty call situation, or you end it. Those are the choices. I totally understand falling for someone you're sleeping with (I've been there, done that all too recently!!!) but that doesn't change the fact that he's getting all he wants from you. If you're NOT ok with that, then you need to either learn to BE ok, or end it.
You're not judging him too quickly, don't worry. I had to chuckle at that one (not laughing at you, just totally getting that hope springs eternal when you're facing a reality you don't want to accept!).
I don't think he's a player, per se...to me, playing someone involves deception. He's being pretty clear about what he wants, it seems to me.
Sheri
I can really relate! I was in your situation late summer/early spring with someone I also met online. It all went so fast, it became physical in the first weeks, and then awkward, and then nothing but sex and so even more awkward. I felt similar to what you say "not able to let go". I didn't want just a physical relationship with him and needed it to change so I sent him an email explaining what I felt was my responsibility in the whole thing (tending to sleep with men too early as an attempt to hasten or develop *emotional* intimacy) and that I needed some space from him and offered to have coffee together 6 weeks or so down the road. It took a little work to get over it, but I found that in a couple of weeks I was already focusing on meeting other men. When he emailed at the end of 6 weeks, it seemed like a lifetime ago and I wasn't interested. And I didn't get the feeling he was really very interested either, just maybe interested in the same way he was in the beginning -- for sex and writing to see if I was still in the mood.
Things probably aren't going to change with him as they stand now. If you've only been involved with this person for a matter of weeks, it's not going to be as hard as you think to move past it. I think the key is no contact, though. I wish you good luck!
Sounds like something many of us women out there are familiar with, so you should take some comfort in that. I don't think most of these guys are players in the sense that they being knowingly deceptive and cold and trying to have their way with women. Sometimes this is all they're capable of at the time and if you are able to see that you need and deserve more out of a relationship, then it's up to you to walk away. In his mind, he could be treating you just fine, so if it's not okay with you, then let him know and be ready to deal with the consequences. He might want to cut you loose when he realizes how strong your feelings are.
This is a familiar situation for me too and I can tell you that in my case, when I asked for more, he dumped me. I was crushed but got over it (with the help of these boards) told myself that I deserved better anyway, and eventually found someone better.
Good luck.
SBC
thank you so much for your advice and knowledge. I really appreciate your input. I know he's wrong for me and wish I could be stronger but when it comes to the emotional physical aspect of it...its v. hard. He's also the first person I've slept with in a year and he was sooo persuasive in the beginning and really thought he liked me for who I was and not to just sleep with. He also knew I was celibate for a year and I wonder if that was what sparked his interest...like a ego trip or something. He's not a bad guy, not what you think a typical bad guy would be and your right he may not even know he's doing something wrong. He could be dating other people for all I know. I know I have to be careful and eventually cut him off if I still feel empty inside.
Funny that I would even fall for someone thats remotely like that...I have high standards, but I just don't understand how someone can be soo into you and pursuing you and then once you give in, they don't even want to spend any quality time with you besides sex. I just don't understand that. I guess I've always been a hopeless romantic and that perhaps he'll fall in love with me. I know one thing for sure is that I keep going back for more cuz deep inside he's someone who I can't have.
I'm glad I got to hear some advice from strangers, its been an eye opener and my girlfriends all think I should not contact him anymore. Its alot easier said than done. I'm sure I'll wise up sooner or later and take this for what is is.
Just know that the disappointment and emptiness he leaves you with will likely outweigh any of the highs you get from seeing him. I felt this way each time I saw my ex. There were many euphoric moments, but I'd end up feeling so disappointed because of his flakiness or inability to be the kind of boyfriend I wanted. You go through that enough times and eventually it's just not worth it anymore. Hopefully you'll get there sooner rather than later.
And remember that the time you spend being hung up on this guy is time lost meeting/spending time with better people. I met my current boyfriend shortly after I was dumped by my flaky ex. I'm so grateful that HE dumped me, because I'm afraid that if it were up to me, I would have let things continue longer than would have been healthy.
You can be the proactive one in your situation, though. Good luck
My crazy situation has come to an end. He pretty much ended it in an email saying that he met with his ex-bestfriend and hadn't seen her in 2 years and now their dating. He said he can't date or sleep with me anymore as long as he's with this girl. I took it diplomatically and i'm glad he was honest with me. I am relieved its over and now my mind can rest about how he felt about me. Now I know the answer. He says he still thinks about how hot my body is..which is such a jerky thing to say. He wants to be friends so I'll leave it at that. I'm not going to contact him though.
I'm okay but I still can't stop thinking about him...I'm sure that'll pass soon. He wasn't all that nice to me and I don't know why I let this guy under my skin. Oh well this is a very important lesson learned. Never will I put myself in this situation again. lol
thanks again for listening and giving me your 2 cents!
I had a similar thing happen with my fling...he finally confessed to having a girlfriend although he said they had just agreed to become exclusive (I don't think he was being honest with me about that though). But then he said he fully intended to cheat on her anyway and propositioned me! What a jerk. Yet even though I feel sorry for his gf, I am jealous of her on some level.
What can I say, lust makes us do stupid things ;-). I wish I could separate sex from my emotions like so many men seem to be able to do, it would make things so much easier...but I can't. So I've learned my lesson too...again!!! I seem to have to re-learn it every few years as I somehow think that maybe I've changed since the last time and can handle it, but of course I can't.
I'm right there with you on still thinking about him but I know it'll pass soon and it will for you, too. Just keep thinking "jerk!" when you think about him, LOL!
Sheri
It's amazing that our minds allow us to pine for guys who basically treated us like crap, huh? That just doubles the sting of rejection for me.
You're right, you will get over it. In a way, it's a blessing in disguise that he's seeing someone else because knowing this should prevent you from trying to initiate any further contact with him. I tried various things to get over the guy who dumped me, including spending time with friends and family, getting out of town, and even dating again. Dating again wasn't a good idea because I kept comparing guys to him. I'd encourage you to do things that will get you to spend less time thinking about him.
Having been through something similar, I can guarantee you you'll feel better in a month. Six months later, you'll be so over him. I ran into my ex at a cafe three or four months after he dumped me, and the only emotion I felt was embarrassment. By then I'd moved on and was seeing someone who is much better for me, I was out that evening with a new group of friends, and was feeling good about things in general. To see him reminded me of a time when my judgment was so poor and emotional state so weak. I honestly feel like a totally different person from that time. I suppose it's healthy to be reminded of your mistakes from time to time, as embarrassing as they are.
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