What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
What do I do?
16
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 11:26pm
I've been dating a man since December. He's 32, I'm 28. We are both in an intensive graduate school program and started dating over our Christmas break when our studies had slowed down. Thr relationship progressed quickly and we were calling each other BF/GF by February. I sensed, though, that he was hesitant in the relationship at that time. In retrospect, I think he may have been really stressed about school and wanting to do better this Spring than last Fall....but nevertheless, the lack of reassurance made me insecure, and I told him as much, but we worked through it. Another thing that made me insecure was his monthly contact with his ex-girlfriend who he broke up with last April. I've never kept in touch with my exes and it was hard for me to understand why he did. The contact with her has lessened, but I still don't know what to think about that.

So...I was out of the country with school for 3 weeks in March and it seemed to really strengthen our relationship. I missed him a lot and we emailed constantly and spoke when we could. When I returned things were better than ever...but my insecurity resurfaced when my BF started focusing heavily on school and releasing his stress with partying. This made me worry he was less interested in me...or, worse yet, calling his ex to replace the emotionally intimate relationship he wasn't having with me. My insecurity led me to the worse thing I've ever done in a relationship...I snooped and read his email. It was a terrible thing, but it was even worse when I found emails he had written to 3-4 other women while I was out of the country. They were very flirty emails, calling them beautiful and reminiscing with one about their sexual history! I had no choice but to 'fess up about this and confront him. At first he denied he emailed flirty or sexual emails to his exes until I told him I had read the emails (cringe). He was super angry and just didn't know what to say at the moment of truth. I asked him to leave my apartment and he did saying he couldn't believe he'd "messed this one up", meaning our relationship. We took a week break from each other and then talked through things...deciding we both thought the relationship was worth trying to work through this.

So we continued along and things were bumpy at first and then got better...but, come May another whopper hit. It was during finals and he had called to say he was going home from a bar and was going to bed early (which he rarely does) and was going to get up early to study. I felt uncomfortable automatically, so I asked if I could stay over at his place and he said, "Sure, if you want to." I said maybe I would and called him 40 minutes later to let him know I was coming over. But, he didn't answer his cell or his home phone. I went over anyway (I have keys) and when I knocked he answered and I felt eerie. There was a girl at his apartment who I know has a crush on him. They were both fully dressed. He had his shirt tucked in and there was no delay in him answering the door, but I felt violated because she was there! She sort of rushed out and said she had just vomited in his toilet (she had been at the bar, too). My BF's story was that she had called right after he and I had gotten off the phone to say she was too drunk to drive and could she rest at his place for a little while. He said he knows it was poor judgement, but he let her come up and just layed in the bed next to her! (He was drunk, too, which he says made him pass out and not answer his cell or home phone). Like I said, there was no evidence of sex, but I was so distrustful or the situation that I broke up with him and walked out of his apartment. I wouldn't talk to him for 4 or 5 days, because I had finals to work on and I was SO pissed, but he sent me several emails and left voice messages saying he knows it was bad judgment to let her come over...that he didn't want to lose me, etc.

Now we're talking again. I'm leaving for the summer for graduate work in another state and he's been doing so many nice things for me, evidently to try to get me back. Part of me wants to let this relationship die because it's been such a struggle for awhile, but another part of me wants to renew the love I have for him. Would I be an idiot to go back to this relationship? He swears he didn't cheat...not even a kiss. But with the ex-girlfriend phone calls to the flirty emails in March to the girl in his apartment, I'm just worried the writing on the wall is telling me otherwise. We've talked about the issues of trust being violated and needing to be rebuilt. And how I just don't know if I can or am willing to do that, but he swears he'll show me how much I can trust him this summer. He assures me that his love is real, and that if he really thought "we" weren't worth it, he would just let it die as I'm going to be out of the state for the summer anyway. He's been divorced and I think he carries around a lot of baggage from that (he doesn't talk to the ex-wife at all)...I want to believe that he's for real, that he loves me...but do I jump into this and call him my BF automatically? Or do I say we're just being friends for the summer? I love him, but I don't want to be stupid about this. I'm so confused...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: tatianacc
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 2:01pm
Now I see the light! LOL. When you first referred to her I was thinking of "Carol Ann" in the Poltergeist so I was wondering what I was missing... :)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: tatianacc
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 2:44pm
nooo... she is someone I have learned from. I don't know if I would relate it to Poltergeist...

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: tatianacc
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 3:38pm
Learning process, true... Though I do wish it would come with some sort of textbook!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: tatianacc
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 3:47pm
Text books would be nice but I'm afraid there is a new edition every year... what was applicable five years ago doesn't help me today!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: tatianacc
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 3:57pm
Good point! :)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2004
In reply to: tatianacc
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 5:18pm
When it all boils down, you have to do what you really WANT to do, regardless of the consequences. Either you'll come back from the summer and realize that you shouldn't be with him, or you'll realize you made a good decision in keeping things up with him. You don't want to be asking "what ifs" all your life, do you? If you can feel that it would be worth it to try, then I say go for it at any cost. At least that way you'll know and stop killing yourself over all these questions.

If you ARE insecure about yourself when it comes to men and relationships, then perhaps this summer will prove to help you on that matter. You may gain more security without his presence (or anyone else's presence at that), which is the best way to acquire such security.

Maybe you two should cultivate a purely emotional relationship over the summer...talk even more about your feelings and insecurities...the things that make you human. Maybe he'll open up even more to you, and you won't even begin to second guess him.

Bottom line - you'll never know unless you just DO something about it. It can be that simple: if it's worth it, go for it; if you just don't care enough, then obviously don't go for it.

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