WHAT DO I DO?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
WHAT DO I DO?
1
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 2:38pm
I have just recently moved into a small city and was asked out on a date with a very nice young gentleman from my new school. We now are seen very often together and many people ask if we are an 'item'. I often say we are just dating, but recently, I have become very confused. Sometimes he acts like we are together on a relationship level. sometimes he acts like we're just friends. How can I clear the air? I want it to be a relationship, but am afraid to move on at such an early time. what do I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: rio85
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 6:15pm
Hi rio85:

I am in a relationship with a great guy and I had this same quandry when we began seeing each other: Am I friend... or girlfriend? So, this worked well for me to get clarification. Perhaps it might be something you would like to try:

"So, I was mentioning that we went to the Lou Reed concernt last week to some of my friends and they asked me what was going on between us-- and you know, I realized I didn't have an answer for that. I'd really like to introduce you to my friends but I don't know what you introduce you *as*. Would you be comfortable if I introduced you as my partner (or boyfriend or whatever word you'd like to use)?"

This got him talking and he said something similar ("I wasn't sure if it was OK with you to call you my girlfriend" and so forth) and we ended up laughing about the whole thing. We decided right then that, yes, we were definitely an item and from that point onward, I felt good about calling him my partner/boyfriend. It also signaled to him that I was talking about him enthusiastically, which let him know how excited I was about having him in my life, so I think because he knew how much I totally dug him, he was willing to say, "Yeah, I feel like that too and, yes, we're a couple." He'll probably appreciate it if you bring it up first too. That takes some of the pressure off him.

He might also be unsure about how he feels about you yet, so maybe he needs some time to figure out where he stands on the relationship question. Be ready to hear, "I'm not sure yet" and I'd suggest a willingness to give him some thinking time. But if he persists in the wishy-washy stuff and won't at least commit to "You're my girlfriend," I'd say that you're better off giving him lots of room (to the tune of, I'm going to see other folks while you figure your stuff out) rather than waiting for him to determine where your relationship is going. Remember: you're part of this too and he's not "the one calling the shots." If you want a relationship and he doesn't or won't commit to "yes, we have a relationship," you might want to reconsider whether this guy is willing to express himself to you. In other words, if he can't sort this out for himself, what other questions will you be wondering about later on that he doesn't have an answer to?

Good luck. Take care and I hope this helps.

Michelle