What do I do?
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| Fri, 03-16-2007 - 6:02pm |
I met the most incredible guy at work. He just joined our location from another country and he is unbelievable. He is exactly like me, we share a lot of the same interests, he's cute and funny and has this great personality. I think he may be attracted to me as well, but I'm not sure. He could just be a little lonely.
Of course he has a girlfriend back at home. Now it hasn't been a girlfriend that he's known for a long time - only three weeks before he come to the states. Still I respect that he seems to like her a lot and would never try to interfere with his relationship. I just don't do that no matter how much I may want the person.
It's just that I don't think he's going to make it. I think he's too physical a person and he has no idea when he's going to be able to see this girl again (may not be until the end of the year) and he is not happy about it. I try to act like the cheerleader for his relationship because I figure that's better than saying something negative.
What is the best way to keep this guy interested while not actually interfering with his relationship? If it ends on it's own, great. I will be there with open arms. I just want to be the one he comes to should things end because I feel that strongly about him. If I ever did have a soulmate, it's him. He seems to enjoy my company so I'm hoping that we'll become friends outside of work but I also worry about a drunken, desperate hook-up which will not help anything.
Any advice?

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<<<....What is the best way to keep this guy interested while not actually interfering with his relationship?...>>>
Honey, this doesn't exist. Leave the guy alone, he's involved with his GF of 3 weeks. Put yourself in her shoes...would you like it if a woman keeps your BF interested while he's working abroad?
I know. I feel terrible myself. My friends tell me that having a girlfriend for three weeks and then leaving her behind is not a relationship no matter how much they talk on the phone.
But the only way to leave him alone is to completely ignore him and I think he's already kind of sees me as a friend because he is lonely. This is the first time he's ever done anything like this and I know from personal experience that it takes some getting used to. I can't help if he likes who I am and I actually have been very supportive of his relationship overseas. But I can't help the way I feel about this guy, either. He really is that fantastic. But I would never let him know what's on my mind or try to convince him to forget about his girlfriend. I wouldn't send him signals or make sure I "brush up against him" whenever possible. Because I wouldn't like it should I be that girlfriend- you're right about that. However, that is the dating game, isn't it? Nothing's certain and you may lose. Plus I have been in and out in a long distance relationship myself and I may be getting back together with my boyfriend. I won't know for awhile because he's in the middle of a move across the country so I told him we'd talk once he's settled. Still, my boyfriend or ex or whatever he is can't hold a candle to this guy. As you can see I have guilt coming in from all angles. But it's not like the guy is married or even been involved with her for years. Three weeks and he's off the market?
So is it wrong to just stay really friendly with this guy if I'm not doing anything even though I am thinking it? I'm not going to lie, though. If he does end things with this girl on his own (which I think is inevitable because he is too physical a person) I want to be the one he turns to.
The amount of time they were together isn't as relevant as what level of commitment he made to her. Did he commit to being exclusive and monogamous while he was gone? If so, then that's what he needs to do--that, or reach a new agreement with her to not be exclusive while they are separated.
If you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can redirect your feelings for him to platonic friendship, then stay friends with him. If you can't do that, then ethics aside, it's just going to be painful for you to try to be friends, I think.
Do you watch "Ugly Betty"? The most recent episode is kind of on target here if so and she did the right thing, both ethically and for her, at the end.
Sheri
<<<<...... If he does end things with this girl on his own (which I think is inevitable because he is too physical a person) I want to be the one he turns to.>>>
How do you know that this guy is too physical to resist the temptation of getting physical with someone while where he is? Have you talked to him about it? Has he talked you you about it? How do you know? If you know it and you want to be the one he turns to then you seem to be doing your work on what's this guy's weak areas are.
There is nothing wrong with thinking and looking as long as you don't act on your ideas....getting together with him as more as friends. Even married people fantasize about others, but they don't cross that line. Crossing the line of looking but not touching is called cheating. That applies to him because he's involved. You've asked about ways of keeping him interested and that is acting on it. You want to tease him to see if he comes to you. You know that he's weak in the knees and you want him to fall on you. You may disguise it with words and suits, BUT it is what it is...you want him to want you because you like the guy and you think that three weeks with his GF is not enough in your book. You want what you want and that's all what matters to you. You'll do what your standards tell you to do no matter what others say.
Edited 3/17/2007 11:35 pm ET by lightandbright
Actually he did tell me that he was a physical person. He told me that as much as he likes the girl he is not unrealistic about the relationship and that he needs hugs and kisses and that's it's nice being able to touch someone. That's the weird thing, too. Knowing me for only a short time, he's really opened up to me with a lot of personal stuff. But I am not researching his weak spots and using them to my advantage. He actually offered that information to me. I didn't pry. As for whether or not they are exclusive, he hasn't really gotten into that. He did say, however, that he is continuing the relationship or should I say trying to continue the relationship because he is a loyal person. Loyal - what's that? I refered to the guy I may or may not be seeing (still don't know) as my boyfriend once and he freaked out. No, I'm just a friend with benefits and maybe a little more. That's all I ever seem to be with who I meet.
Believe me, I would never flirt with the guy or send him signals. Even though my personal life has consistently been destroyed by other girls interfering I can't bring myself to do the same thing. I have been sh*t on a lot in my life when it comes to men as well as other types of relationships and it is very tempting to just say that it's my turn to be selfish. However I do have morals and I do have an large heart which is why I find myself encouraging him with his girlfriend even though all of my friends and my own brain is asking "What's wrong with you?"
It's so frustrating. This isn't just a lonely, desperate person talking here. I'm telling you this guy is perfect for me. The most frustrating thing of all is that he met this girl while waiting for his visa to get approved. I knew he was coming at least two - three months ago. If he had gotten his visa quicker I wouldn't be here on this board right now. Sometimes I feel like whatever that higher power is out there, it really enjoys playing with my heart and having what I want dangling in front of me, just out of reach.
I'll see what happens with the friendship. If it gets to hard for me I will back off. Of course I'll have no idea how to explain that one to him! I am also concerned that being friends and spending time outside of work together might lead to him wanting to let out some of that energy he's building up if you know what I mean. I do not want to be just an outlet for him in the states, either. I have no doubt that he's attracted to me with the way he eyes me up, but he could just be lonely and I'm not going to prey on that weakness nor do I want to be his prey because of it. If he wants a relationship with me one day, great but I will not be another friend with benefits. I might as well stay with the other one then.
I appreciate all of your opinions, girls, and I will remember them. Sorry about the long and sometimes angry posts, but this whole situation just really sucks.
Your last post changes every thing, every thing that I thought was happening with this guy. It seems that it's he who wants to get involved with you. He has a GF and says he wants to keep on being her BF because of loyalty issues, but he's the one opening up to you all of his private things regarding relationships. Because you like him and feel attracted to him, you feel that you'd like to be the one he turns to when he cannot keep his hands to himself.
If you've been s$^t a lot in relationships, perhaps, it's due to the way you pick the men. You say that you're a FWB or a little more to one of them. The guy at work is involved and it seems that if he turns to you, you'll be his FWB deal in the States. It's possible that the guy is telling you all about his 3-week GF and how physical of a guy he is to let you know what's coming. He does want to get physical with you and enjoy the benefits of it, BUT without the committment. This guy may be attractive and "perfect" for you as you put it, BUT is he good for you? If you want to break the cycle of being s^&t on in relationships you have to break the habit of picking the wrong men. The idea of a good time may be attractrive, but is that what you want OR do you want something more serious and long term, with committment that may lead to marriage?
I really appreciate the last post. As much as I like the guy and feel he is perfect for me, my biggest concern is that I would be nothing more than a fling in the states. Maybe not - I'd hate to be so negative. Another concern of mine is how would I actually know whether or not he broke up with his girlfriend? She's in another country - I wouldn't know.
Again, I hate to be so negative. He seems like a nice enough guy. And three weeks really isn't enough time to decide whether or not you really like someone. Sure, it's how everyone feels when first getting in a new relationship but once the "honeymoon" period is over it's a whole new ballgame. I used to think my boyfriend was the greatest thing since sliced bread, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's the same for this new guy.
Anyway, good words to think about lightandbright. I guess only time will tell.
Well, it happened. Apparently she broke up with him two days ago not wanting to do the long distance thing. He's already asked me out for a drink. I'm relieved that she dumped him because as flattering as it would be to have someone else dumped for me, I think I would still feel bad (big heart, remember?).
So we'll wait and see what happens. Happy and nervous as I always am when knowing a first date is around the corner. We're going out Friday after work. I will enter it positive, but will be smart thanks to all the good advice I got on this board!
If it doesn't work out I'll see you all on the "Breaking up is hard to do" board. LOL
Christine
Well, cool--I think, LOL! Do you feel you know him well enough to be sure he's telling you the truth?
Sheri
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