What do I do next
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| Sun, 01-07-2007 - 2:38pm |
I just got out of a 4 year relationship back in the summer, and I have gotten back out into the dating scene recently. I'm completely over my xBF and I dont speak to him anymore.
I just went on a 2nd date with this guy I met via match.com. He lives nearby, and we have a lot in common. I like him a lot and I want to get to know him better but here's the problem. He's been separated from his wife since march 06 (the xwife cheated on him), and he is going through with the D. He was with her for 4 years (1.5 years married). So in some aspects we have a few things in common (ie: broken relationships). I finally got a hug last night from him, which was great. He did offer to take me out on his bike, once the weather gets warm. He's been very polite, but also very hard to get a hold of since he works 3rd shift during the week (10-12hrs).
So here's some of my issues/concerns. I'd like to see more of him, but because of his time constraints, and not knowing if he's seeing other girls...and not knowing what my status is...where do I go from here? Is there something that I should say to him, like "are you seeing anyone else"? I also feel like I've been doing a lot of the "chasing" or the work...trying to see him. However he has been calling me back too. Maybe I should just let him call me from now on...I'm not sure. He seems to not know what he wants, but I could be wrong.
Bottom line is that I miss having a relationship, but I know it's going to take some time to find someone. I really like this guy but I dont want him to get away. Maybe all I need is time with this?
Any thoughts or advice are appreciated.

Well, I'd be leery of dating a guy who is only separated but not yet divorced. Yes, there are exceptions but most people who are separated or whose divorces haven't been final for at least a year or so are not in a good emotional space to be dating. They do it because they are hurting and they don't want to be alone, as a rule. So be cautious about that.
Anyway, if you're going to take the risk of dating him, it is WAAAAY too soon to be talking about exclusivity after only 2 dates! You need to get to know this guy much better than that--make sure he's really a good match for you before you cut off other options. That takes at least 6-8 weeks of regular dates (1-3 times a week), IMO.
And yes, definitely let him call you. Don't chase him--it's impossible to tell if he's really interested in you if you do that.
Sheri
I agree with the advice from the last post, let him call you, then play it by ear.
Here's my two cents:
From my own experience, I don't think the divorce part is the issue here. You were with someone for quite the long time and experienced all the wonderful things a long-term relationship brings - someone who cares for you, falling asleep with someone, waking up with them, showers together, someone to call up when work's been rough. Couplehood is quite the luxury, and when that luxury is gone, there's quite the gaping hole left.
You even said yourself - you miss being in a relationship. And I think you're pushing a little too hard to make this very insignificant (for now at least) couple of dates into that.
I've been in your position (still am) and I've been guilty of daydreaming too. It's hard. We all want to regain those irreplaceable connections we've had in the past, but sometimes it takes time.
Some people like to think that they are unlucky, that there's no one for them, or that it's not in their fate to meet someone. I look at it always this way: after each relationship, we learn more about what will or will not make us happy. We become pickier about who we choose to date, cause we have better intuition and understanding of ourselves. You don't miss your ex cause you're smart - u know he wasn't for you and you've moved on.
I think you know exactly how to handle your current situation. Just don't think you're the only one out there trying to regain a wonderful companionship - we're all in the same boat my dear, and let me tell you, the men are stupid no matter where you are. I'm just kidding! Dating is tough, but you're tough too!!!
Sweatpea, your situation is difficult. You like who this guy is...yet his personal life is not conducive to a relationship right now. He's working overtime, going through a divorce and you feel you are doing most of the work.
Well, given all you have said, I would say your instincts are telling you to do the right thing by hanging back. Some people who date a separated man say that they like to keep things platonic until the divorce is final. I don't know how one accomplishes that when it is obvious that you want to be with the man in a very different way.
You definitely don't want him to get into a habit of expecting you to do all of the work of dating.
As far as him dating others, he might be because when some people get divorced they tend go out on a binge of casual dating and sex. So it wise not to become physically intimate until you find out what he wants from dating right now. You don't have to ask particularly about you, more like, "What do you want from your dating/social life right now? Are you into a monogamous relationship just after a divorce or are you into a more casual relationship?" He'll probably give you a direct answer. He may want monogamy but doesn't have the time that you would prefer either. They only way you'll know for sure is if you ask him.
Good luck.
Hi Sweetpea~
I have been through the same situation as you... I became involved with a man while he was going through his divorce. In his case, his wife was the one who wanted out of the marriage. He had discovered her affair and she choose to ask for a divorce rather than to seek counseling with her husband.
I did a lot of the consoling and comforting and reassuring. Although we started out both "interested" in a relationship with each other, I did most of the "chasing" and eventually he admitted that being pursued by me was a "lift" to his spirits. He said he needed to feel wanted after the rejection of his wife.
Long story short, I was the vehicle for him to regain his self-esteem. Once he got on his feet, so to speak, he drifted from our relationship.
Listen to Sheri when she says getting serious with someone so soon after their relationship ends is not a wise move. Go slow with this, allow him to contact you. Keep your options open... I put "all my eggs into one basket" for this guy to the extent of passing up a chance with another man who was clearly interested.
<< I just went on a 2nd date with this guy I met via match.com. He lives nearby, and we have a lot in common. >>
The nice thing about online dating is that you can "weed through the muck" relatively easy and choose the options that look BEST SUITED to you. However, that means truly knowing what you want and what is best/right for you.
Match.com has a feature that allows you to CHOOSE "divorced", "separated", "never married" ... stuff like that, right?
Now, here's what you do: go on into Match and unclick the "separated" choice. No more "separated" guys coming up on your matches, ok?
All things considered, I understand why the service offers this choice as an option, it would be misleading/deceiving NOT to allow it as an option ... because, it would look pretty icky to have MARRIED as an option of status ... but, really, that's what seperated is ... its STILL MARRIED ... now, ask yourself ... if "still married" was a choice on the status line, would you have selected that button? Nope, probably not ...so, why keep SEPARATED on your list of possible matches!?
By removing this an option on your matches, you will eliminate this problem << I like him a lot and I want to get to know him better but here's the problem. He's been separated from his wife since march 06 (the xwife cheated on him), and he is going through with the D. >> ... a guy going thru a divorce isn't your best option, right?
Of course, he has a right to be there ... be on match.com and finding dates. But, you can leave him and other "separated" guys to other women who are either a) going thru divorces of their own or b) just don't know any better.
But, from this point forward, you KNOW BETTER now, right? ;-)
As for << So in some aspects we have a few things in common (ie: broken relationships). >>
Everyone has broken relationships in common. Who doesn't or hasn't had a broken relationship?! You need more in common than that, and honestly, when the things in common have more to do with pains and hurts and less to do with common interests and the good stuff in life, that's a red flag. That is, unless you subscribe to the "misery loves company" theory. ;-)
<< I really like this guy but I dont want him to get away. Maybe all I need is time with this?>>
Honestly, you need to let him get away. Let him go. If/when his divorce is final and he's put some time/space between it and is ready for a relationship ...AND if you are still single... then, perhaps. But, if you start looking at men who are physically and emotionally available as relationship candidates, you're going to GREATLY increase your chances of finding the right guy ... and most likely, this guy isn't going to be him. Timing is a big factor in relationships and in life, too!