What do I do with this relationship????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
What do I do with this relationship????
8
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 11:20am


Im new to this board and need some good advice as I am totally confused about what to do with my relationship with bf. We are both divorced and in our 40's. We have been together now for about 10 months. Lately I feel unhappy alot and unsatisfied with our relationship. I feel like I need more and he cant or just wont at this time give that to me.

We both have children. I have 3 he has 2, ages vary from 10 to 17. We have never spent time with each other with our children in the mix, because we always said we wanted to be sure of us before we involved the kids.

He works crazy hours (shift work) days, then nights, constantly changes every week. When hes off he always has his children staying with him. Basically we have our one special night a month with each other, and the rest of the month I may only see him for an hour and a half to 2 hours once a week. On the weekends, he works 2 weekends out of the month, and the other 2 weekends he spends with the kids. That leaves nothing for me on the weekends, which I always have one night to myself without my kids. I feel like I have no social life. I work all week long, see him on a weeknight for a couple hours and thats IT!!

I dont expect to ever come before his children, but this is starting to become a lonely life for me. I love him, but lately I feel like I need to walk away so that I can be happier than this. How do you end a relationship though, when you cant stand the thought of not having that person in your life, and you love him??? But you start to wonder if it will ever be any different and if it will someday get better??? Am I expecting too much from him??? He works 12 hour days so I know its hard for him.

Please help me out here. Ive been depressed for days about this, and I cry off and on. I havent said a word to him, I just keep hiding it and putting on a happy voice and face. Im afraid if I go to him he'll feel pushed and cornered and Ill lose him for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 12:33pm

jerseygirl2006...

Pianoguy thinks that you've 'aligned yourself' with a man who LOVES you...but can't REALLY LOVE YOU based on his work and family obligations.

This comes down to a choice.

1. Accept whatever "quality time" he can provide for you.
OR
2. Realize that the situation isn't going to change....and that if you want any improvements, you'll probably have to take the initiative...and make them yourself WITH SOMEBODY ELSE?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 5:27pm

Piano Guy,

Thank you for the advice. You made me see what I really wanted to do. Ive spoke to some friends, and their responses were, walk away, he doesnt give you enough etc..... Thats not what I really want.

I know he has limits as to what he can offer me and so do I as a parent too. So maybe for now I just enjoy the time we have, and the quality of it rather than worry about the quanity of time. The time we have together is always wonderful. We have a great connection, we think alot alike, we have many things in common. And most of all he makes me happy!!!!!!!

I think Im just going thru a lonely phase here, or a feeling sorry for myself thing. What a waste of time to spend it, feeling sorry for myself!! I think I just need to spend more time enjoying life when hes not around. I spend too much time in neutral instead of in drive! LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 12:59am

jerseygirl2006...

PG doesn't think there's anybody on this board who hasn't "coasted through life" at one time or another? We all go through that 'neutral position' at one time or another!

I guess the trick is not to feel like you're doomed to spend the remainder of your life in a particular certain way? The only life sentence for LONELINESS is one that you create and adhere to?

Meanwhile...I'm sending you a few HUGS!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 2:49pm

PG

Thanks for the hug and the words of encouragement.

Last night while he was on night work, I was home alone getting some things done, when he called. He called me back again about 1130PM to say good night. When we hung up a half hour later, I had a realization. Nothing special happened, just the sweet way he treats me and talks to me, i suppose. But I then realized that he is who I want and our relationship. As hard as it maybe sometimes, time wise, theres no way I want to end this!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 5:21am

Piano Guy,

Is it possible that he limits the relationship with me and any contact with our respective children until my divorce is final. Im in the last stages right now and it should be over by May? Could this be a factor for a person????

I have wondered about this in the past. The relationship is good, but it feels stagnant at times, as if its not moving anymore right now, meaning forward. I was just thinking this morning that maybe thats it, maybe he's waiting for me to be a free woman before we take any more steps.

As a man how do you feel about this??

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 3:45pm
I wanted to add that I only wish I could figure out the best way to start a discussion with him. Im not used to dealing with a man that wont open up and talk. How does one get it started?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 6:45am

Hello again jerseygirl2006...

Pianoguy can only speak for himself, but if he were in a similar situation (to that of the man you're interested in)...HE'D KEEP HIS DISTANCE TOO!

There are several reasons:

1. I don't want to 'make a play for another man's wife'---irregardless of whether she has filed for divorce or is currently separated. In the eyes of the law and her family...SHE IS STILL LEGALLY MARRIED.

2. I wouldn't want to give any woman the impression that I'd be "waiting until the ink was dry on the divorce degree" before I decided to begin (or continue) a relationship. Reason being that if I make any sort of 'loose verbal commitment' and should (for any number of reasons) decide to change my mind...THE LADY WOULD BE FURIOUS WITH ME!

So why not let one chapter of your life end before you start writing another one....okay??

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 6:59am

Hi Piano Guy!!

Thanks for the advice and the thoughts. I have asked him in the past if its an issue and he says no. But I think to an extent it is, and understandably so. I have no intention at this point of stopping the divorce for a reconciliation, but I know it happens. If I was in his shoes, I would be guarded, and its also a matter of respect and morals. Hes a good man, and a wonderful father. Those are the traits that drew me closer to him, and a few of the things I respect about him. So being a good father, means protecting his children from becoming involved in something that could possibly fall apart. And having been hurt by his ex wife, I can understand his need to protect himself too.

He asks me all the time about the status of the divorce. And says he'll be glad when its over. He told me he wants to take me away for a night, or a weekend, to celebrate the end of that chapter. So maybe thats the night the new chapter starts!