What to do to make sure we survive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
What to do to make sure we survive?
2
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 1:09pm
I'm new to this board, and here is a brief rundown of what's going on.

In the last couple of months I have:

Bought a new car ($$ worries)

Started a new job

Found out I was pregnant

Helped execute 2 weddings (and was maid of honor in both)

Moved to a new city 75 miles from my old friends/family where the only people I know are my SO and his family (but not living with my SO)

AND had a miscarriage

Now, when my BF and I found out we were pregnant, we had been together for all of 3 months. We met through Match.com, and got to know each other better in the first couple of weeks than most do in the first couple months. We made the decision to be exclusive only 2 weeks after our first date and everything has been wonderful.

Before I got pregnant, I was an independent, strong, self confident person who was generally always in a positive mood (this description coming from my BF). After I got pregnant, before I even found out I was, I became a moody mess. I had a hard time handling the pregnancy hormones--I cried because he ate the Ben & Jerry's and because I didn't have a microwave for my Spaghetti-Os! I also became clingy, afraid he would leave me and generally just had a hard time being happy. We went through some hard times because of my hormones and the pregnancy, but we always talked it out.

Now that we have lost the baby, I am having a hard time being secure in the relationship. I have regained much of my old independent, strong, self confident self and I realize that this unexpected worry (I was on birth control when I got pg) is still weighing on both of our minds, but I cannot get past the worry that he will dump me now. It just seems that he doesn't want to spend as much time with me as before, but that may be a lingering affect of the pregnancy/miscarriage (we just lost the baby 11/08) and his lingering worry over me being clingy.

Does anyone have any idea of what I can do to reduce the stress in my life and to be more secure in our relationship? I have brought up some of my concerns with my BF, and he has been reassuring, but I still am at a loss. I hate being worried always and having a hard time being happy with where things are in the relationship. I fear that if I am not able to get a hold on myself and my concerns that it may just drive a wedge into our relationship. Please, any advice or opinions are welcomed.


 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 1:20pm
HEre's the thing...the first 3-9 months of any relationship - no matter how 24/7 you are - is primarily infatuation. That's 'your desire for me makes me feel so great about me, I can't get enough of your attention and desire'.

There's lots of feelings there - warm, fuzzy, undefined feelings of "I like me so much as a reult of this alliance, my future is so bright I need to wear shades because this person thinks I'm all that."

Objectivity comes into the picture....once you get past "time" - not just "time flung together en mass to constitute a particular set amount of mintes/days that we've logged that say we now "know one another".

Objectivity is when how you feel about yourself as a result of thier attention...is being compared against what you think of them as a person. A person's character is evidenced by their actions...which are determined by the values, priorities, standards, and goals that they hold.

Which is why a block of time that is shoved together while sharing secrets, being intimate, and having "feelings" is not "getting to know this person". It's getting to know "of" this person.

At around 3 months.........it's not uncommon for infatuation's high heat to back off to a mid-range flame...to allow for some objectivity and discernment. Now...all the things that you rushed to do for and with this person....don't have the same "appeal" - unless this person as an individual is someone that you admire and respect, and want to develop trust and acceptance of - as a person in their own right.

And it'll be during the next 6 months...that infatuation will gradually fade out and either be replaced by "you're not all that and I can't see what I saw in you"....meaning all they saw was how they felt about themselves based on your adoration and now that they don't think that you personally are "all that" - you adoring them isn't seen as such a compliment. Or, it'll be replaced by genuine admiration, trust, acceptance, and respect of who you are - based on how you conduct yourself at all times, because that is the evidence of your values in all situations, and determines your character in all aspects.

I think it's possible that all you're experiencing is the fade of infatuation...and entering hte period of evaluating one another based on something other than feelings. It's just that you've had so many large events and changes come about.....that you're thinking a specific event or someting you did in that situation is causing him to 'back off'.

Not true....it's just that you're entering the phase where if you're both mature, responsible, goal focused, and self-reliant...that you're ceasing to "admire this person because they find me attractive" and you're starting ot assess this person's character and values to see if they meet your standards.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 1:29pm

To answer the question in your title, there's nothing you can do to *make sure* you survive as a couple...it's simply not completely in your control! Anytime there's another human being with free will involved, you simply can't "make sure" of anything!

That said, you can do all you can to make yourself as healthy as possible. That for me, in your situation, would include going to counseling to deal with the grief of your miscarriage (my condolences by the way; I can only imagine how difficult that is), and also the stress of the move and the pressure that your situation has put on a relatively new r'ship.

Sheri