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| Sat, 03-04-2006 - 2:18pm |
I am very confused about where this whole thing is going with my new friend. After last Sat, I have been keeping a low profile and rarely contacting him. On Thurs I PMd him about something and he told me that he looked forward to seeing me on Friday and that he would pick me up around noon.
Yesterday we went out to lunch and had a good time. we joked around a lot and talked about a bunch of different things. He seemed very relaxed around me and enjoyed my company. We really had no plans and decided to wing it. After lunch, he wanted to go down by the beach to hang out and watch the waves and the boats. We went down by the beach and found a bench to sit on and then he moved closer to me and wanted to put his arms around me, hold me, cuddle me. I leaned my head on his shoulder and he told me that he liked me alot and wanted to stay friends with me for a long time and that he was scared of stuff. He told me that his life was still a mess and he was afraid to involve me, but that he liked me and wanted to hold me, snuggle with me, etc. We did that for a while and I got nervous and we joked and giggled. He told me to tell me more about myself because he wanted to get to know me better.
It got kind of cold so we decided to go back to my place to change cars because I wanted to take a drive. On the way up, he told me that he eventually wanted to take me kite flying and teach me some of the things that he liked to do. When we got back to my place, he came up to my apt for a bit, looked around, sat on the couch and cuddled with me for a bit. We then went for a drive up to the coffee shop that he liked to hang out at. We stayed there for a few hours, talked about stuff, giggled, laugh, talked about our friendship, our healing from our relationship, and then he leaned over and gave me a kiss on the lips. He scared me and I nearly freaked. He said that he wanted to do that because he liked me a lot, but he was scared because he wanted to be friends with me for a long time because he cared about me and wanted the best for me. He said with his life the way it is, he wasnt sure if he was ready for an involvement but that he was attracted to me and he liked me a lot. He was confused. He said he was going through a midlife crisis in which he felt like he was teenager again. I told him that I understood. We talked some more, and then I leaned in and kissed him and we kissed for a bit. We then drove back to my place to get his car. I was kinda crying and freaked in the car because his kissing me scared me a lot. I am so afraid of getting hurt. We then stopped for a bit, kissed some more, talked about the situation. He told me that the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me. He wanted to be my friend and he also was very attracted to me. He said he was confused. I cried a bit because I dont know what to do. He was worried about me because he knew that his kiss had unnerved me. He then made a suggestion that he come back to my place, spend the night with me, talk to me, hold me, cuddle with me, kiss me.
He stayed the night. We didnt have sex. We talked. He told me that he was so lonely and it had been so long ago that he had held a woman in his arms. He lay with me all night, holding me in his arms, looking at me in the eyes, talking. He was so loving, gentle, and kind to me. All he wanted was to hold me, kiss me, snuggle with me. We did make out heavily at one point but neither of us wanted to have sex so we stopped and just cuddled, kissed, etc. At one point in the night, I ended up sleeping on the sofa and he sat there next to me, holding me in his hands, while I slept. This morning, we talked some more, he cuddled with me and kissed me a lot. Basically he wants a friendship with me, he knows I am attracted to him and he is attracted to me, but he wants to see where this goes. He wants to meet my best friend and he wants to come with me in April to the Ren Faire in SoCal. He wants to take me kite flying next Friday and we may get together sometime in the middle of the week.
He's scared and confused, I can tell. He also looks at me like he is so mesmerized with me and wants to be protective of me. He is afraid of hurting me. He wants a long term friendship with me. He says I am like a breath of fresh air for him coming out of his breakup. I let him initiate everything to see where he wants to go with this. I like him a lot and I want something with him, but I am not sure what or what he is capable of. We are getting together next Friday and maybe once in the middle of the week.
BTW, he has told his ex wife that he has met someone new to hang out (me) and he has also told the people he is staying with. Actually last night, he called his roommates, from my house, to tell them that he was staying with me for the night.

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Well, this was pretty much inevitable...and so is the coming train wreck.
Unless you want to repeat your pattern of becoming obsessed with unavailable, unhealthy men, you need to walk away NOW and get to some meetings (well what you really need is intensive counseling but CODA meetings would be a start). But you almost certainly won't...so good luck picking up the pieces after this train wreck is over.
Sheri
That's NICE!!!! You are saying this is an oncoming train wreck. I am NOT the one who has been making the moves. I have let him do the leading. This last week, I did not email him much. He emailed me about getting together on Friday and that he was looking forward to it. HE IS THE ONE WHO MADE THE MOVES ON ME ON FRIDAY. HE KISSED ME FIRST< HELD ME CLOSE TO HIM FIRST. I let him do the leading. I am taking this easy. He was the one who offered to stay over. We both dont want to have sex because he is confused about what he wants from me. He does want a freindship from me and he is afraid of ruining the friendship. AS I SAID BEFORE, I am letting him lead the situation. I am letting him control it and what he wants. I am staying back and not being pushy for things. I do like him, and from the way he treated me, I think he likes me too.
And, he is telling people about me, and he doesnt care that people see him in public with me.
Am I scared, YES!!!! But I want to see what can happen out of this.
It doesn't *matter* who's leading this...it's still going to end up as a train wreck, because both of you are emotionally unhealthy. I'm honestly not saying this to be mean...do you think I would have bothered to post to you and try to help you all these years if I just wanted to be mean??? That doesn't make any sense!
Why do you think it matters that you're letting him lead? I don't understand that. Him leading doesn't mean he's emotionally healthy!!!! Until you learn to be healthy enough to choose healthy partners, nothing will change.
Sheri
Sheri, you guys have said in the past that I am the pushy one and that I push for things that I shouldnt. You guys say I get obsessed, clingy, pushy, chasing, etc. With this guy, I know he has a lot of emotional baggage and he told me that. He said he likes me a lot and wants to be my friend for a long time but he isnt sure what to do about dating me because he is afraid of this turning out to be a rebound and he doesnt want to hurt my feelings and he likes me a lot and enjoys my company. I have tried my damndest not to be pushy and demanding with him. I like him a lot. He is confused himself a lot. I just found it so weird that he was so fascinated with me. On Friday, he held me close to him, cuddled with me, first. Then when we were at the coffee shop and talking, he leaned over and kissed me first on the mouth. I was surprised he did that. I had wanted that so much, but I didnt push for it, and I didnt make the move on him. I learned from past relationships, making the first move when it comes to that is a bad idea. He was the one who said he wanted to stay over by my place overnight so we could talk and work things out because he didnt want to see me hurt and unhappy.
He tells me that he wants hugs and kisses from me. He spent the whole night holding me in his arms, holding me tight and kissing me. He is very lonely, I can tell and I could tell he was lonely and I helped to take away some of that. We did mess around a bit, but we didnt have sex because he didnt want it and I didnt either. I dont want to mess up our friendship.
I cant believe that he has told people about meeting me. He wont tell the people on the messageboard but he has told some of his friends and his exwife.
I like him a lot and I dont want to walk away from him. I am taking things slowly and not having a lot of expectations.
I just wanted some understanding of what he might be looking for. He is an honest guy and he has always been truthful and upfront to me.
Oh, gosh. Ok...yes, you have shown that behavior in the past and it's not healthy. But that is only ONE small part of the overall big picture that you're not seeing here. You not pursuing him does NOT make him into an appropriate partner!!! You can't make yourself into an emotionally healthy person who is capable of choosing appropriate, healthy partners simply by changing that one thing (and I know it's a big thing to you and hard but it's really just a drop in the bucket, I'm afraid).
He is NOT emotionally available. He knows that, and he has made that clear to you, yet he's pursuing you. You don't kiss and cuddle, etc with "friends". You just DON'T...at least you don't if you're an emotionally healthy person with good, healthy boundaries. The fact that he is doing so even though he knows he's an emotional basket case is SUCH a huge red flag...can you really, honestly not see that???
Sheri
Northwestwanderer, I know the hugging and kissing and cuddling are a BIG red flag. I dont think he knows what he wants. He is confused. He is scared that this can turn out to be a rebound thing and he doesnt want to hurt me or cause trouble for himself. He tells me that he wants to be on my side, be my support, my cheerleader, be my friend for a long time. He emphasized this a lot on Friday. I decided to test and asked him how he would feel if I went and found a bf and started dating. He told me that he would be happy for me and he would cheer me on because he cares about me and wants what's best for me. Then on the other hand, he was the one who made the move on the beach to cuddle with me, put his arms around me, hold me close to him. He was the one, at the coffee shop, who made the move to kiss me on my mouth. He loves holding me, cuddling with me, and kissing me. I know he is lonely and he is one confused person. I am scared right now that he might run away from me after doing all that he did on Friday. I know he is fascinated with me, my looks, my size, my body. He spent a part of the time he was at my place, studying my arms, my face, my eyes. He is so mesmerized by me. I have never had a guy that was this way to me. It kind of scares me. But, he has always been a man of his word. He hasnt been contrary with me and he has been upfront with me, and told me that he is confused and he isnt ready for a relationship because of his divorce issues.
Do you think he is out to hurt me? He has brought it up to me that he has told his niece, his roommates, and even his ex wife about me. That I found interesting. He told them that he met someone nice to hang with and he is happy.
What do you think is going on with all the intimacy (kissing, hugging)? I dont want to have to walk away from this. I am starting to develop feelings for him. He tells me he thinks about me a lot. I dont see him as a smooth talker type of person. He seems very genuine. And he is fun to hang with.
No, I don't think he's intentionally out to hurt you, but he WILL hurt you, because he doesn't know what he wants yet he's coming on to you physically and you are starting to have feelings for him.
But if you're not healthy enough to walk away, you're not. But be totally clear with yourself that YOU are responsible for your actions...if you're choosing to get involved with him despite the red flags, then you are responsible for allowing yourself to get hurt when the inevitable happens.
Him running away would actually be the best thing for you, but I know you can't see that.
Good luck, and I mean that sincerely...you will need it. Maybe this will be the train wreck that convinces you to get help...I can only hope so.
Sheri
Why do you see it as inevitable that he is going to hurt me? He is an honest guy and a true gentleman and he has told me that he wants to be friends with me for a long time. I know he has feelings for me and he is confused. I am well aware of that. I like him a lot too. Who knows, what happened on Friday and Sat., may have scared him off and I may never hear from him again. I dont know. I emailed him this morning telling him I had a good time with him (nothing serious, I always email him after a date) and that I looked forward to seeing him again soon. I have not heard back from him and he is online on the messaboard now. He did tell me yesterday, that we have a standing Friday date now.
What do you see the worst that can happen? He is not some young, flight guy. He is 53 years old. I always thought older guys were less flighty and less apt to hurt someone.
Edited 3/5/2006 3:27 pm ET by renaissancewoman101
Oh gosh no...age is no barrier to being emotionally unhealthy!!! I was just deeply hurt by a 49 year old man who disappeared on me without a word after a 1.5 year long relationship.
You being hurt is inevitable because he is not emotionally healthy or available for a relationship.
If you really can't see how utterly and completely inconsistent and unhealthy it is for him to be saying he wants to be friends with you, yet behaving the way he did, I don't know what to tell you.
I'm sorry, I can't keep responding, I'm tapped out at this point. If you aren't willing to help yourself, no one else can help you. There's no reason you couldn't be going to CODA meetings, for example, while this is going on...I really hope you will.
Sheri
We'll see what happens. I may consider going to a CODA meeting because of all the confusion that is going on around me in regards to this situation. I do like him a lot and I worry that he will disappear on me one of these days. I did get an email back from him and this is what he wrote.
B,
I enjoy chatting and squeezing with you. I'll see about a place to meet during the week for coffee this week. Hope you had a good visit with Tim.
Have a good Sunday.
Hugs,
S
I dont how to read this as meaning. I think we will hang out sometime this week. He may well disappear on me somewhere later down the road. I am trying to take things simply. There is an actual psychologist on the messageboard and I have been emailing him for advice since he does know the guy and he has been telling me to take it easy. His opinions are less harsh than you people here. He thinks a relationship can come out of this, but I have to take it easy, dont push, and dont worry about everything.
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