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| Sat, 03-04-2006 - 2:18pm |
I am very confused about where this whole thing is going with my new friend. After last Sat, I have been keeping a low profile and rarely contacting him. On Thurs I PMd him about something and he told me that he looked forward to seeing me on Friday and that he would pick me up around noon.
Yesterday we went out to lunch and had a good time. we joked around a lot and talked about a bunch of different things. He seemed very relaxed around me and enjoyed my company. We really had no plans and decided to wing it. After lunch, he wanted to go down by the beach to hang out and watch the waves and the boats. We went down by the beach and found a bench to sit on and then he moved closer to me and wanted to put his arms around me, hold me, cuddle me. I leaned my head on his shoulder and he told me that he liked me alot and wanted to stay friends with me for a long time and that he was scared of stuff. He told me that his life was still a mess and he was afraid to involve me, but that he liked me and wanted to hold me, snuggle with me, etc. We did that for a while and I got nervous and we joked and giggled. He told me to tell me more about myself because he wanted to get to know me better.
It got kind of cold so we decided to go back to my place to change cars because I wanted to take a drive. On the way up, he told me that he eventually wanted to take me kite flying and teach me some of the things that he liked to do. When we got back to my place, he came up to my apt for a bit, looked around, sat on the couch and cuddled with me for a bit. We then went for a drive up to the coffee shop that he liked to hang out at. We stayed there for a few hours, talked about stuff, giggled, laugh, talked about our friendship, our healing from our relationship, and then he leaned over and gave me a kiss on the lips. He scared me and I nearly freaked. He said that he wanted to do that because he liked me a lot, but he was scared because he wanted to be friends with me for a long time because he cared about me and wanted the best for me. He said with his life the way it is, he wasnt sure if he was ready for an involvement but that he was attracted to me and he liked me a lot. He was confused. He said he was going through a midlife crisis in which he felt like he was teenager again. I told him that I understood. We talked some more, and then I leaned in and kissed him and we kissed for a bit. We then drove back to my place to get his car. I was kinda crying and freaked in the car because his kissing me scared me a lot. I am so afraid of getting hurt. We then stopped for a bit, kissed some more, talked about the situation. He told me that the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me. He wanted to be my friend and he also was very attracted to me. He said he was confused. I cried a bit because I dont know what to do. He was worried about me because he knew that his kiss had unnerved me. He then made a suggestion that he come back to my place, spend the night with me, talk to me, hold me, cuddle with me, kiss me.
He stayed the night. We didnt have sex. We talked. He told me that he was so lonely and it had been so long ago that he had held a woman in his arms. He lay with me all night, holding me in his arms, looking at me in the eyes, talking. He was so loving, gentle, and kind to me. All he wanted was to hold me, kiss me, snuggle with me. We did make out heavily at one point but neither of us wanted to have sex so we stopped and just cuddled, kissed, etc. At one point in the night, I ended up sleeping on the sofa and he sat there next to me, holding me in his hands, while I slept. This morning, we talked some more, he cuddled with me and kissed me a lot. Basically he wants a friendship with me, he knows I am attracted to him and he is attracted to me, but he wants to see where this goes. He wants to meet my best friend and he wants to come with me in April to the Ren Faire in SoCal. He wants to take me kite flying next Friday and we may get together sometime in the middle of the week.
He's scared and confused, I can tell. He also looks at me like he is so mesmerized with me and wants to be protective of me. He is afraid of hurting me. He wants a long term friendship with me. He says I am like a breath of fresh air for him coming out of his breakup. I let him initiate everything to see where he wants to go with this. I like him a lot and I want something with him, but I am not sure what or what he is capable of. We are getting together next Friday and maybe once in the middle of the week.
BTW, he has told his ex wife that he has met someone new to hang out (me) and he has also told the people he is staying with. Actually last night, he called his roommates, from my house, to tell them that he was staying with me for the night.

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"I'm sorry, I can't keep responding, I'm tapped out at this point. If you aren't willing to help yourself, no one else can help you."
Me too. I don't want to get 'sympathy stress' trying to help someone who can't or won't help themselves.
One big problem here (amongst those already mentioned) is that just because you're allowing him to "take the lead" you're thinking this drops responsibility off of you for what's going to come (inflated and unmet expectations, resulting in hurt feelings or worse).
I know this is a sensitive thread and just wanted to point out something to all involved:
With that being said, for the OP, these links may help:
Hi, there!
I read through all the posts on this thread, and I think I'll have to agree with the other posters: please, please, do not take it personally, but do try to see that we, and I in particular, are trying to save you a lot of heart-ache. I am 32, and have been deeply, prfoundly hurt byt the two men I have had LTR with (one 7.5 years, the other just 6 months) and to this day I do not think they wanted this: please understand, that intentions have little to do with how we process (or fail to do so) baggage, whther we move on or not. I am still in some sorts of comunication with my exes, but I can tell you that these were really toxic relationships. Please, take the advice: your friend's behavior is, to put it mildly irresponsible; but you are the one that can get out of this situation.
Sorry if I was harsh
P.S. Age is no guuarantee that they are not going to hurt you (my boyfriend of almost 8 years was 44 when we broke up in 2004)But I agre with other posters that emotionally unhealthy people do tend to hurt others they attempt to establish a romantic relationship with. (I have the scars and the experience to prove it)
Hon, I'm not going to rehash everything everyone has said, but I agree with Sheri and the others 100% in everything they said especially the part about how he is not emotionally healthy nor are you and while this guy is not out to intentionally hurt you he will hurt you because of the mixed messages he is sending. He is lonely and confused and wants someone in his life. He claims he wants you as a friend, but he crossed the friend boundaries by making out with you. No one can convince you that is wrong if you don't beleive it yourself, but friends do not make out with their friends and call it a friendship. You are headed down another road where you are going to get hurt.
As for this psychologist that said it would work - I have a hard time believing that any self-respecting psychologist would tell you those exact words knowing your history and your situation and his history and situation. This is from the outside looking in so please take it with a grain of salt, but I personally think that you read what you wanted to in the psychologist friend's comments. Perhaps what he really said is that this has a chance of working IF you two take it slow, get emotionally healthy and take time to allow him to get over his relationship. This relationship would never work well the way you two are now - it would be riddled with severe co-dependency and emotionally unhealthy actions.
Please get help through counseling or CODA meetings - PLEASE???? And please place some boundaries back on this relationship. You also claimed you wanted to be only friends with him. Neither of you is acting like a friend, you are acting like you are dating and fooling yourselves into thinking you ar friends is very unhealthy. My suggestion would be to back off from him completely but we all know you're not going to do that. If you are going to hang out with him, you need to put a stop to the making out. Just b/c you didn't have sex this last time doesn't mean it won't happen soon. Once you cross that line, it's impossible to go back and you risk ruining your "friendship" or at least changing the dynamic forever. You need to make it clear to him that if he's your friend and he truly wishes to be JUST A FRIEND that the kissing, making out and lying in bed together "just holding each other" has to stop. Please listen to the people out here. They really do have your best interest at heart. No one is saying these things to be mean.
You need to listen to the great advice you're receiving here - it's not a guy in particular for you but a pattern. You'll never get what you need from someone until you deal with your issues. We're behind you all the way.
I'm kind of late getting into this thread, but I'd like to share my experience. If you're like me, Rennassaince, you don't what the heck they mean by unhealthy relationships, co-dependency, etc. It's taken me years and lots of psychotherapy. I don't know if words are adequate, so I'll try to be careful what I say. When people used to try to give me "helpful" advice, they might has well have been throwing stones at me for all I understood. This is even though people are often telling me how intelligent I am. Emotionally, I was and am in lots of ways, very unintelligent.
Basically, what I've learned is that all the yearnings in my heart got placed under one heading "Love Relationship". I told my counselor about a recent one and she asked me to ask myself what was it I really wanted? Did I see this guy as my chance to be a healthy me, have a happy, normal life for once? Did I see him as possessing the better qualities of my father that I've been trying to recapture since his death 15 years ago? What I'm learning, and what I believe the other posters are trying to say, is that as long as we keep pursuing side issues instead of figuring-out what we really seek, we'll be forever dissatisfied. It's like the proverbial end of the rainbow. We can never find it because it doesn't exist. It can be very difficult and painful, but facing the truth ends the pain, rather than perpetuating it forever. It's not our fault if we were born into dysfunctional, unhealthy families but we still have to deal with their effects. To avoid doing so is the deny reality. Often the effects of these families are such that we don't even really know what we want, we've been out of touch with our true feelings for so long. In their place, we've created a series of distractions. I know that for me love relationships have been key because of incest, etc.
It's not that we're any more or less worthy of love than others, it's just that our images of what that looks like are messed-up. My counselor explained that my image of a man was my father. It wasn't my fault. I couldn't just say, I don't like the way you're treating me, so I'm moving-out as a child. I was stuck and as a result the blueprint, if you will, for men was my father. This image can be change but it's like clay that's already been molded and hardened, it takes time. I'm learning that there is NO WAY I could EVER have a happy relationship with a man like him. As a result, I'm mourning his loss for perhaps the first time in my life.
Well, this is just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. However, I wanted to give you a glimpse of what it takes to change something that's so deeply imprinted on the mind. It takes time and effort and one has to push back the voices that want to keep one in a rut with fresh infusions of thought. I hope you will do this work, as I am trying to do. Blessings.
"He said he likes me a lot and wants to be my friend for a long time but he isnt sure what to do about dating me because he is afraid of this turning out to be a rebound and he doesnt want to hurt my feelings and he likes me a lot and enjoys my company"
IMO ... Sounds like he's looking for a booty call.
If someone "likes me a lot" they are going to take the time to get to know me before saying " he wants to be friends for a long time because he's afraid of this being a rebound" Sounds like he just wants sex, if thats all you want, go for it but if your expecting more I don't think he is the "one" ... sorry.
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