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| Wed, 08-17-2005 - 2:11pm |
my boyfriend and i have known each other for three years. we been on the dating merry-go round. it started when his older brother asked me out. i said no, then he asked me out and i said no. this continued for two years. last summer i dated their cousin, and on my birthday he called and told me he was cheating on me. inevitably we broke up. i've dated other people, but my bf, we'll call him thomas, and i kind of drifted apart. around december we started talking again, he was in an abusive relationship. they broke up, and we just became close friends. he asked me out again, and this time i said yes. we dated for about a month and then he said it needed to end because he was not over his ex. 3 days later we were both in boston (out of town) and he told me he was an idiot and that was a lie. he really cared about me but was scared about how serious our relationship was becoming. i was hesitant at first, but we started going out again. around a month later he broke up with me again... but this time it was a little bit different. for the past three years i have always contended that serious relationships are detrimental and no one really knows what love is. this is why he broke up with me, he said he wanted a serious relationship and that i wasn't willing to give it to him. the funny thing is two days before i figured out i was in love with him, and that my previous theory was wrong. i didn't tell him that though. that weekend, i asked him if he would talk to me, we met at the local park and i asked him if he cared that he hurt me. he said no he never cared about me, but was using me to get over his ex. and that he is still in love with her. i turned to him and told him i loved him. he just got up and left. so we were broken up for a month. whatever. his ex started talking to me telling me they weren't hanging out and that thomas was in love with me. around a month later, we were at a banquet and he brought me a bouquet of flowers. that night he asked to talk to me, and he just sat there apologizing for about 3 hours, and told me he loved me. we started dating again. since then i have been hospitalized (not b.c of him, i was in a severe car accident) and i've had surgery and he stayed with me. he didn't go to school for a week and just stayed with me and took care of me. we've spent the entire summer together and practically have been inseperable. i had to go out of town for a month this summer, and while i was gone he called me and broke up with me over the phone and said he is deeply in love with me but he can't do the relationship anymore, bc he's come to accept his identity as being with me rather than being a person. once this happened i came to realize that maybe i didn't love him, maybe i loved the relationship. he was the first person i had sex with, the person who loved me, the first person i loved. well this continued for about a month. last week i had to see him for the first time, i walked into to the room (about 15 other ppl were there) and it hurt but i was ok with it. i got a job and started working all the time. a couple days later i went on a terrible date, and started to wonder if i actually wanted thomas back. that night i did something really stupid and hooked up with his cousin again. afterwards i realized i still loved thomas and i wanted him back. a have a few female friends that continued to tell me that this was just part of getting over him, and that i should never go back to him, that i deserve better than that. ironically when i got home, he had IM ed me and basically told me that he is sorry he hurt me, and that i looked incredible the other day, and that he loves me. i told him no, i'm not doing this again. and he asked me why. obviously i told him that i'm afraid he's going to pull it again etc. he asked me if i still loved him, i told him i did... we ended up talking on the phone for 8 hours that night. he asked if he could come see me the next day. well he came over to my house and we were just talking and he kissed me. at the time all i could think was wow, this feels so right. and we spent the entire day together. the next day we did as well. every so often he would just stare at me, and tell me how incredible i am and that he loves me. Well need less to say our friends found out that we are going back out and my friends now refuse to talk to me and continue to yell at me and tell me thati just justified the way he treated me by taking him back. so i always ask them what i should do then or what makes them so aprehensive, and every single time they say it's not my place. so usually i get reather irritated and ask them why it's ok for them to tell me who to date and how to date them but not to answer questions when i have them. they usually just get pissed off and storm away. well, The next day we hung out all day as well... this brings us to yesterday. yesterday my car broke down and long story short he came and took care of me, i had to go to work, and he said he wanted to hang out later. i called him when i got off and he said he couldn't see me, i didn't think anything of it cuz we have spent so much time together. today when i saw him he said we couldn't hang out tonight and that he was going to play poker. again i want to believe that it's not a big deal that he's just hanging out with the boys. but this afternoon one of my friends, whitney, told me this is a mistake and that eric is going to hurt me, i asked him how she knew and she said she couldn't say. and so the natural response was, u mean someone told u something u can't tell me or u have a feeling sbut don't know hoe to formulate it? she just said it wasn't her buisness and that i was going to get hurt. she walked away crying. what bothers me is that 1. my friends are making me choose them or thomas. 2. they act like they know something and won't tell me; and the only thing i think is that if they truely care about me and truely don't want me to get hurt, why wouldn't they tell me? 3. i'm wondering if thomas is going to do it again 4. if him not seeing me two nights in a row is an indicator or me just over-reacting.
i'm sorry this is so long, i kind of just got everything off of my chest. if u have any comments or suggestions, PLEASE let me know!

chalbert1888...
You're gonna HATE this suggestion, but PG will risk it:
GET YOURSELF A NEW GROUP OF FRIENDS! AND DROP ERIC, THOMAS OR WHOEVER THIS GUY IS THAT'S PLAYING GAMES WITH YOU!
The more you listen and try to please others....the more migraines you're gonna get! And with apologies to my ivillage friends (both male and female), NOBODY IS WORTH A MIGRAINE!
Anybody who has been in an abusive relationship is going to think several times about seriously getting involved with somebody new! But YOU CAN'T DO ALL THE WORK in order to change his mind! "A matter of trust" (quoting Billy Joel here) has to come from both sides of a couple.
Personally....I think you should give yourself (and your body) a little rest! Once you're back in school (assuming you attend school)...you can start working on finding that "new collection of friends!"
Good Luck!
Pianoguy
Listen to your friends and get rid of this guy. He is not emotionally able to handle a relationship right now and by continuing to go back to him, you enable his behavior and allow him to continue to hurt you. You need to say ENOUGH and move on. He will keep right on hurting you and doing the wishy-washy thing.
As for your friends, I respectfully disagree with PG. Girls operate differently than guys. No, your friends should never make you choose between them and this guy, but it has got to be extremely frustrating for them to watch you continue to put yourself in this painful and emotional situation. They care about you and don't want to watch you do these things that will hurt you. For close girlfriends, sometimes it is easier to remove yourself from the situation rather than to watch your friend constantly put herself in these awful situations. You get to a point where you can't stand it so you just let the girl go and wash your hands of it. They might know something, they might not. Regardless, they only want to see you happy and I think they feel this guy will do anything but. They are also right that it is part of the normal "grieving" process of a relationship to want to get back together with the ex and to think "oh, this is so perfect...". But you know what? It hasn't worked 4 times now. The chances it is going to work grow slimmer each time he dumps you in the dirt and then tries to pick back up. Move on to someone that is ready and will treat you with respect.