What do you think of an older bachelor?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
What do you think of an older bachelor?
9
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 12:46am

I met someone recently who is older (late 50s) and never married. Normally, I would turn someone like that off right away. But I was wondering if I should be more open. Something makes me wonder though how a reasonably attractive man could possibly remain single all his life. Are they an automatic bad bet?

I find this harder to deal with than someone who had been married a few times. It just seems so odd. I know it sounds prejudicial, but I was wondering if anyone had anything to add - maybe from personal experience?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 10:01am

I've been seeing a guy who's 45 and never married...and it's become clear after six weeks or so why...he just doesn't prioritize being in a relationship...he's set in his ways and if he has time to fit me in, he does, but the other things in his life come first. I can't take it personally...when we talked about it, it was clear I wasn't the first woman to have that conversation with him ;-)...but it's not what I want so I doubt we'll see each other much longer. Time with him has just confirmed what I thought when I first met him: if this guy *wanted* to have a girlfriend, he would.

So I'd say give it time and see how he behaves. It would also be interesting to find out if he's had any LTRs and if so, why they didn't result in marriage.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 10:54am

Hi Sheri!

Once again...you've "hit the nail on the head" and PG agrees with you 100%!

But a "seasoned gentleman" (PG HATES THE WORD: "OLDER") would like to also pass on a few thoughts to t9t9, if that's okay?

There are a few of us who find that being single (whether we've always been or found ourselves that way after a divorce or two) is a better option than a wife and a family. No question about it...we lose out on the chance to be loved, pampered and supported by a dynamic lady (like yourself). We also miss the joys of children to love, guide, and spoil a little?

However...

There ARE men who can't comfortably make the transition...long-term!

Being with someone for a few hours or during a weekend getaway is one thing. But making the adjustment from "singlehood" to "married man" often becomes more difficult with each new decade. Maybe it's because some of us LIKE the idea of living alone, taking life at our own pace, and knowing that we can "completely be ourselves?" Our bad habits...which include unrinsed dishes, dust on the furniture, unpleasant sounds from certain portions of our bodies, etc....won't constantly be criticized!

Perhaps if some of us could be sure that the woman we THINK we'd like to marry wouldn't turn into "our mom"...and start making us feel guilty about the sort of behavior we have...there would be many single "seasoned gentlemen" (like myself)who MIGHT be more receptive when it comes to marriage? Or at least a solid relationship with one special lady?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 5:18pm

Well, there is nothing wrong with somebody who has never been married, especially comared to soembody who has been married several times. This said, however, it depends on what you expect of a relationship with this man. I was in a 7.5 year-long relationship (I'm 32, he's 44 , we broke up a 1.5 ago) with somebody who, as previous posters mantioned, actuallty made the choice to not get married -- problem was he never told me that! :) . He kept telling me that he has some issues (OMG, Pianoguy, take no offence, but have I heard the story: "I subconsiously equate you with my Mother!") and he was working on them; he wanted children, even learnt English (we are both from Europe), so he could live in the US. Except for him being fluent, nothing really happened. :)

Anyhow, my point was that yes, right now (call it baggage, if you wish), for me (who wants a committed relationship), a man who has never had a LTR, or one who hasn't ever been married, and is in his 40s, will have to clearly demonstrate to me that he wants these things, and he is working towards getting them... nothing wrong with the opposite, but I want a committed poartner, and not a weekend get-away buddy, I had that.

Sorry, guys, I sound bitter, but today would have been our 9th anniversary, and short of our living arrangement/commitment differences this was the best relationship I have ever had. Of course, I am no victim here; it takes two to tango -- and I should have left the dancing floor way earlier!!!! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2006
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 6:45pm
I've heard there are good guys out there that were never married for whatever reason. He could be such a good guy that no one wanted him....you know "good guys finish last" or he could be a freak. I guess my question would be has he dated much? Does he appear to be a playboy? If not, then give it time and see what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 8:03pm
The most difficult thing for guys to do, at any age, barring rock stars, movie stars, or people whose last names are Gates, Trump or Rockefeller, is to get a girl or woman. Quite frankly, I'm amazed that any of us are married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 12:30pm
it is a potential red flag absoultely = did you ask him why he's never been married, has he had live in relationships, long term commited ones, does he want to marry, talk to him, see where he's coming from,
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Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 9:55pm

Boy, do I have an opinion about this subject! But please remember it is just that, an opinion based only on my limited experience.

Having just been evicted from a 6-year relationship with a 49 year old guy who had only been married once for a year, I have a rather jaundiced view of the prospects of marriage with bachelors of that age. I found it difficult to believe that out of more than 50 women my BF had had relationships with that not one of them worked out into marriage. It finally dawned on me that he was the common denominator in all these relationships. It was not a matter of him just never finding Mrs. Right. He had an infantile idea of what love and commitment is. He had no ability to be Mr. Right.

To put it in a nutshell, the longer I was with him the more I realized he had issues, major issues involving commitment-phobia, control and anger. He was totally set in his ways. There was a reason all these women had passed on him. I have no idea why I imagined I would be the one to win him over.

Having been in two other similar relationships with bachelors in their late 40's, I can say they both had tons of issues, too. One was a momma's boy, the other obsessive-compulsive about his household. I think there are usually real big reasons someone has not married by that age. Now, whether they can set their sights on it and change is one thing, but I would advise you to spend a lot of time with him and try to elicit how he got to the place he is in life. These guys can be expert at leading you on with promises.

Trying to co-exist in a home with someone who has lived alone his whole life will give new meaning to the concept of set in your ways! When he objected to the way I used a broom, I threw up my hands!

These guys can have a lot of pluses at their age ~ money, stability, career, maturity, self confidence, experience ~ but I would say go into it with your eyes WIDE open. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 10:52pm

=it is a potential red flag absoultely=

Why? I've never figured out that reasoning. Girls and women spend a large part of their lives essentially telling guys to get lost, then act like there's something terminally wrong with a guy over 30 who's single. Is he honest? A good person? Hard working? Crime-free? Drug-free? Successful? And single? So what? How is the last one a negative?

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 12:15pm

I wouldn't say there would be too many red flags with a guy over thirty. People these days marry later, anyway, women included. I would be more inclined to say be very cautious with guys over 45, for all the reasons listed in my post below.

And actually, I have found that women and men can be very successful in their careers and be good people and have great friends, but still have real trouble with relationships. So, while it wouldn't be wise to be involved with someone who doesn't have a good job or isn't a good person, that doesn't necessarily mean that they will be able to negotiate a relationship well.




Edited 3/20/2006 1:19 pm ET by memphisstars