What do you want?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
What do you want?
13
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 5:56am

What to you is the difference between wanting a relationship and wanting to see where things go? And which do you want? If someone offered to see where things go, what would you do? If from the beginning, they told you they wanted a relationship, what would you think?


Curious to see what comes of this one... :o)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 7:36am

There is a difference between

1) See where things go.

2) See where things go with you.

If someone doesn't know whether they want a relationship or no, but wants to see where things go, that tells me they don't want a commitment and are looking to sting me along as long as possible.

If someone says they want a relationship and want to see where things go with me, I take that to mean they are interested but not ready to be exclusive yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 11:30pm

Personally I always thought that when a person says "I want to see where things go" meant that they want to see where things go with each other. For example...here is a situation for you guys.....

I met this guy on a dating website at the beginning of september. We e-mailed each other for almost a week and then we started talking on the phone. First few times we talked on the phone we talked for hours upon hours....lol. Anyway.. he's a really nice guy, we have a lot in common, we've talked about anything and everything. I told him that he's sparked my intrests and that I'd like to see where this could go, I said if you don't feel the same way or whatever, that's cool let me know. He said he wouldn't be talking to me like this on the phone if he wasn't intrested. In his e-mails he's told me several times he's glad that he's met me and that he's enjoyed talking to me. We plan on meeting sometime next friday I think (when we first started talking on the phone..he asked if I wanted to meet...I said I wasn't ready yet..and he's been cool with that, but I also know that we can't talk on the phone forever). So what do you think?

Radelle

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 11:34pm

I'm more or less with Chamey on this one...wanting to "see where things go" usually means something along the lines of, "I'm lazy and passive about relationships, but I'll hang out with you as long as you'll put up with me."

That would be my exit cue if someone told me that. Someone who told me he wanted a (serious) relationship, however, would have my interest.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 12:34am

I wanna say is that it's a very interesting question!!
I loved chamey's answer.
The guy I love doesn't want a relationship (he is scared of the word even), yet, he seems to be hinting that he's like to see where time takes us both. YET, at the same time, he has asked me to MOVE ON, because he cannot bear the thought of me "waiting"! YET, at the same time he says....that he doesn't deny that he DOES have feelings for me. Confusing huh!!!

So it looks like I want a relationship with him and want to see where things go.
He doesn't want a relationship and perhaps still wants to see how things shape up.

To me, frankly speaking, it doesn't make sense.

I rather commit to someone I like and see some potential with and THEN see where things go. How can things perfectly click together, if both don't even know they are together?

Infact, this was going to be a new post of mine and Sheri I had needed your advise on this.

He says...that he feels a bit pressured with my expectations. For example, he says that he doesn't want me to question him about stuff, or that he is not answerable to me about what he does with his time, or that he does not want to feel pressured about calling everyday. UNLESS, he feels like telling it himself or calling when he wants to. He says he needs it to come when he feels it, and NOT because I am expecting it. To me, that's a bit unreasonable....because there is always some questioning in relationships. Normal questioning like "so what did you do this evening. Who were you with?" Stuff like that. It is also reasonable in relationships....to sometimes do things for the partner because they like it or expect it!

To me, I want to be *together* with him, have the TRUST that he is WITH ME, and then things will fall in place.

HE, on the other hand, is going with the idea......that he first wants things IN PLACE before he can even think of a relationship (if he does think).

This is very confusing to me really.

If someone can shed some light on this, I would appreciate it......

Should I just go with what he says....not pressure him, not question him.....basically, just try to stay quiet and go with the flow and give him lots of space.....if I wanna be with him in a relationship eventually?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 1:36am

He doesn't want to be in a relationship so he resents anything that smacks of being in a relationship. And in a way, he has a point, since he's made it clear to you that he doesn't want one--so why ask him the type of questions that you would if you were in a relationship with him?

If you were fine with being friends with him, if you weren't in love with him, then I'd say, sure, just be his friend and see what happens.

But that's not the case. It causes you pain to keep things on a platonic friendship level because you want more. Your reaction is normal! But it also means that you can't just be friends with him.

So, under the circumstances, I think the only healthy choice for you to make (i.e., the only choice that gives you any chance at happiness in the long run, even though it will be painful in the short run) is to move on and stop talking to him, with the caveat that you make it very clear to him that if and when he's ready to try to build a relationship with you, you will be happy to hear from him and will give it serious consideration if and when it happens.

Sheri

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 1:27pm

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But interested in what? Interested in dating long term? Interested in maybe marriage someday? Interested in dating you and several others at once?

And you said you'd like to 'see where this could go'. Did you mean you'd like to see if he's "relationship material"? Or that you don't really *want* a committed relationship but maybe you'll like him enough to change your mind?

You'd both do well to define *what* exactly your long-term goals are before assuming the other is on the same page. If he says he is interested in marriage one day, then you'll know what his goals are, and that he's interested in seeing if maybe it's *you* that he'll marry someday. If he's not interested in getting married ever, and wants to date around, then you'll know that he's interested in seeing if *you* are someone he can casually date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 5:41pm

Thanks for your opinion and thoughts Blondie! I honestly never looked at it that way. Especially since we haven't been talking that long and we haven't met in person yet, so I guess I made things more confusing I don't know. Who really knows what we want, or what he wants, or if he's even intrested in dating.

It stinks that's all I know.

radelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 6:51pm
This is a great topic and it is one that I have already talked to three people about today in one form or another and they dont all agree!!
I have in the past few years found myself in relationships with two men who wanted to let things happen organically and see how things went admitting that they werent sure they were cut out for a serious commitment because of past issues or lifestyle or both. I foolishly thought that our connection or their eventually deep feelings for me would fix this fear of commitment and we would organically (their word, not mine) end up together. One of these men and I ended up together for almost three years but it was like pulling teeth to meet friends family work buddies or anything that even remotely seemed normal in the steps of a relationship. Saying I love you was a total ordeal for both of them and in the end my heart was broken both times.
Having been through some therapy I have to say I have learned something from these men. I have learned that for me it is totally ok to expect a man to know what he is looking for in the hypothetical. Such as " Do you hope for a relationship down the road with someone special?" "Would you like to see yourself married someday or with kids?" I now ask people I am dating whether they can see themselves as part of a blended family happily since I have a kid. I think these are reasonable questions since I am thinking of investing my heart and energy in their direction. Deep down we all have our limitations in terms of what we can see ourselves doing in the form of future relationships and the truth is what we are aware of is probably just the tip of the iceberg. We learn more and more what we can handle with each relationship. We would all be doing each other a favor to actually listen to what the other knows to be their limitations since there are bound to be new things discovered as challenges along the way. In my previous relationships I set up a situation unfortunately where the only way I was going to have the relationship I hoped for with these men in particular was to somehow convince them through who I am and what I have to offer that they should change their minds about what they could manage or want for themselves. I now know that I am not going to be the thing that makes this difference for someone in what they envision having and it isnt good for me to campaign for it.
As far as seeing how things go - I am perfectly willing to see how things go if someone has made it clear that they are interested and capable of seeing themselves in a relationship if things go well. I dont even need to have exclusivity to be willing to see how things go. I just want to know that they are able to and willing to move forward with me if things are great and we have enough of a connection to merit doing so for everyone involved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 8:18am
Great answer and distinction... maybe it's the way in which the question is asked that makes a difference. As you mentioned, theoretically seeing youself in a relationship is different than wanting a relationship with the person you're just starting with...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 8:44am
Thanks...it took me a while to think that this was an ok distinction to ask for in a budding relationship. I actually had a conversation with my bf yesterday where I asked him what he saw for himself potentially in terms of different kinds of outcomes in a commited relationship. We all have the ability to see ourselves in a mryiad of happy situations. He had just met my son and I think I needed to know that being with a single mom eventually in a long term commitment was something he could deal with. We have been exclusive for a while now and introducing him was a big step. Since he has never dated a single mom I think it was illuminating for him to see me with my son. I guess my concern from my past relationships is that neither one of the last two guys was sure they wanted to be in a commited thing ever again because they had been badly hurt. What people dont like to realize is that fear of commitment unfortunately doesnt make it impossible for people to fall in love and have deep feelings for one another. It challenges the fear of course but it often doesnt override it and I found myself in a position where I wanted to "convince" them that this would be different or that I would be different or that we would be able to right their past wrong. I know my current bf wants to get married and have children eventually. This is something that I think needed to be asked and answered. And for me, I also really did want to know whether he could envision himself not just with someone who was single and hadnt had kids but with one who had. It doesnt mean he will end up with me but I simply couldnt allow myself to continue falling for him if I was going to again find myself in someone's non ideal situation where I was left to convince them into it again. After all I will ALWAYS be a single mom. The way I explained it to him was to say that if he was talking to his friend over drinks about the ideal woman for them and one of them challenged the other about possibilities - how would he handle his friend saying "OK, I have found you the perfect girl for you. She might be it. Now.....she has a kid from a previous marriage. can you deal with that?" For some it is really about the individual they are looking for and for some it is about the situation they see themselves in - for most of us if we are honest, it is about a combination of the two.
In the world of hypotheticals we all have our deal breakers. Some might not feel fair to other people. I have a friend who wont consider getting serious with someone who has ever beeen an addict, or who has cheated on a spouse. My Dad wont consider anyone who doesnt keep an active lifestyle and work out because that is important to him. I wont date someone who is separated but not divorced with papers or someone who pictures themselves living in a rural location since I see myself happiest in the city. Sure there might be someone out there that could turn our heads and convince us otherwise but would that be the best situation to pursue?
After all, on all the dating sites you DO have to fill out whether or not you would consider someone who has been married or widowed or has kids as well as whether they live full or part time with your potential mate. I believe they even have questions about where you picture yourself living in 5 years in terms of rural or city life. They ask about fitness level and all sort of other things. Yes, I know people fib constantly on these things. But hopefully they dont and especially when there are children involved.
You get to know what you can handle and what you cant through experience and as you get to know YOU better through each relationship.
A few people I talked to thought my conversation with my bf was a bit much. My Dad was one of them! he asked why I cant just let go and let things happen. What do you guys think? Is it too much to ask someone what their ideal is for their future happiness? My feeling is it could save us all a lot of pain to know this!

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