What does he mean? - confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
What does he mean? - confused!
9
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 12:05pm
Okay, this is a bit of a long one, but a problem I'm struggling to understand - please help!

I've been dating a really great guy for about two months now, and until now, I've been under the impression that things were moving really well. He's always telling me that he thinks I'm beautiful, that he feels lucky to be with me, and how he's so much happier when I'm around than when I'm not, he's even introduced me to his friends and family, all of whom I get on great with. All wonderful things to start experiencing and hearing from someone you're really beginning to care for and can picture a future with. Up until now, things have been great in every department, including physically, but suddenly something went wrong, and now I'm totally confused and upset. Although we often spend the night together, recently the sex has dwindled down to almost nothing - it pretty quickly became obvious to me that something was wrong, but when I opened the topic to discussion, he told me that he felt we haven't yet "clicked" sexually as a couple. Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but it came like a kick in the guts for me to hear him say that - from my perspective, the sex was great. Pretty soon though, it became clear that he is having a problem with the "seriousness" of the relationship. He told me that while he is serious about dating and being with me, he thinks the relationship itself shouldn't be so serious, that somehow there has been no "honeymoon period" where we just relax and enjoy ourselves, and he doesn't know whether that can be changed - but I can't for the life of me understand what that really means, as I thought that's exactly where we were at!

He seems to think that I expect our two-month relationship to reflect the kind of relationship people have after a year of being together, but I can't understand what I've done to make him feel that way, other than the fact that we've had a number of involved discussions about various relationship issues, which he says we shouldn't be having so early in the relationship. He says he doesn't want to spend less time with me, and that his lack of sexual interest has nothing to do with me personally, but that he doesn't understand yet what the problem actually is, and so can't do anything immediately to solve it. I want to be patient, but for me it feels like he's lost interest in me and the relationship, and I'm struggling to just let it go and not worry about the problem - surely lack of interest in sex this soon into the relationship can't be a good sign, and I can't see how avoiding sex is going to help fix the problem either. I feel like I'm just lost out in limbo - how can someone be serious about you, but not want a serious relationship? What don't I understand here, and how can I help fix our problem without losing the relationship altogether?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:18pm
What the guy is saying is that he wants to stop considering "a future" while enjoying the present.

He likes your conversation, company, companionship, the shared events and interests and sex...but what he doesn't want is you considering all this as "part of your future".

He is not sure, after two months naturally he odesn't know you as a person, whether you meet his needs and share his values on a fundamental level. This is infatuation which is "your desire for me makes me feel so great about myself, I can't get enough of your attention."

And you've interpretted meeting his family and friends as him "respecting, admiring, and accepting you as a person and wanting you as a person in his life in a future capacity."

He's saying "stop thinking about the future, start living in the moment, and if after awhile I find that infatuation fades and it is replaced by respect and admiration of you as a person - we'll consider whether there is a future for us.

I suspect when you met his family/friends - you had sex around the same time. And immediatley you began acting more territorial around him, expecting inclusion at all things, you'd let your "feelings" be used as facts and a gauge to determine how things were going. And so the sex has dwindled because he's becoming less infatuated with your attention...becuase it's less about him and for him and puppy-adoration regarding him - and it's more "let's move on with our lives, leet's progress to the next level, let's talk about the future"...and that isn't what he wants.

EVERYBODY is going to have a future - until death intervenes. It's the idea that you want a future with someone you don't know......that is something you ought to address posthaste.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 3:12pm
Erin...

Pianoguy can't add anything to your last response.....IT'S PERFECT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 3:29pm
Thanks Erin, you are indeed a wise and insightful person! :) I think I already probably knew the answer already, I'm just concerned about how to go about repairing whatever damage might have been done, and how to deal with the situation in future. Will it help if I just back off and start contacting/seeing him less often? Should I just stop giving all mention of "us" in a couple sense, and avoid discussions that imply a relationship between us? Or do I just start acting like the whole thing is not so important to me, and let him call the shots? I guess I'm just not sure whether I should consider the damage done and cut my losses, or whether I can remedy the situation over time by just becoming less available and waiting for him to initiate any further developments? Any further advice, especially from all the guys out there, will be most welcome!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 4:30pm
I don't think there is any significant damage done that requires a remedy or repair. Basically, he told you he wants a normal dating relationship, where you enjoy getting to know each other over a period of time without discussing "relationship issues" before it's appropriate. Neither of you really know if you are compatible on all levels (two months is not nearly enough time for that, and you were probably doing this within a month). He just wants to have fun dating you without the serious talk that skips the dating or "honeymoon" period, and makes it a feel like a full blown committed realtionship. I think you just need to stop initiating 'relationship issue' talks, that's all. You don't have to act like you're less interested, or pretend anything, just be yourself - that's the person he likes. In other words, relax and enjoy it for what it is right now, and not for what it might become.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 5:49pm
I think some honest communication is necessary - not game playing or trying to "make him miss and want you".

Basically, discuss it. Ifyou're going to continue to have sex.....you want to be physically exclusive. Assess if you trust his character enough to be able to trust his word on exclusivity....and before that - know if you're comfortable with having 'in the moment only" sexual activity.

You're in the "infatuation" stage - "your desire for me makes me feel so good about myself I can't get enough of your attention and approval."

That fades with time.....it's got to be replaced with genuine admiration and respect for you as a person...if there is to be a truly emotionally bonded and invested connection.

And then...you two would have to share a similar definition, desire for and manifestations of a "great relationship" in order to have one of those as well.

So communicate honestly.....realize he might be wanting to date other people also - are you comfortable with that.

Step back and stop trying to "make him want you" - that won't work....and spend as much time figuringout "if you admire and respect him - not just how you feel about yourself around him".

Just honestly talk about the whole situation.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 7:55pm
Difference between men and women- women can tell on the first date if they want to kick the guy to the curb.

Carnal desires must drive the men to take so long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 8:31am
Typically women believe "every man might be the one' - and they believe that because "without a man I'm less of a woman".

Men have never believed "every woman might be the one" - and they know that no woman can make them what they're not already or give them what they don't provide to themselves.

Women get in it more invested in the "possibility of the entity of a relationship emerging"...men don't do that.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 8:56am
I don't think every women believes every man is the one.

I kick to the curb the majority of them

I think women are smarter than that as well as more independent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 9:11am
Some are, some aren't.

Depends....if you compare what a person says and does against your personal standards, values, code of ethics and principles that YOU personally always adhere to in all situations - you'll have no problem disassociating with people that you're not in fundamental sync with.

If you compare what a person says and does against what you want.......you'll have every problem disassociating no matter what they do - in light of what you want with them.

It's just that men are rarely assessing a woman's actions, decisions nad words against "their desires, expectations nad needs of what a relationship means to them and will bring to them."

Women do that quite often _ and thus they get "mixed signals".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com