What does he really mean?!? (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
What does he really mean?!? (long)
1
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 11:35am
Hi,

I am having a hard time decoding my guy's true feelings. This may get long in explaination....

I have been dating him for 4 months, but have known him off and on for 11 years. The first two months we dated was like a romantic tornado. He called multiple times a day, we saw each other at least every other day, he made it a point to meet my mom and grandparents, he was the first to use the "L" word, he introduced me to all of his friends and co-workers, etc. All of this while we were simply "dating".

Well at about the two month mark we had the commitment talk, which he initiated. So now I was "girlfriend". After that night POOF he was gone. For three weeks I didnt get more then a two minute conversation every now and then. I stopped pushing and got distant and he started coming around again. Things were slowly getting better. Then we had our first big fight, he dumped me. Three days later he called me back to say he had cooled down and had a chance to rethink things he said. This was a month ago.

We have been going between these two extremes. He will call multiple times a day and see me all the time one week and then disapear the next. I finally called him on it this week, and he said that he is not ready for a relationship but he hopes we can be friends. Then as I headed for the door he told me not to take what he said to heart, he wants to be with me, he knows I am who he wants to marry and he loves me...but he is not sure he can give me everything I want/need. So he is not sure where we go from here.

HELP!!! Which one is it!?! Does he want to be friends or marry me?!?! When we are together we are wonderful, its getting together that has become the problem. I cant seem to see this relationship clearly, mainly because I am in the middle of it. All I know is that I am very much in love with this guy and it will kill me to walk away. I am not done trying yet. Any advise, insight or otherwise would be great!

Thanks,

Jade

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 12:47pm
anybody who "commits" really fast - isn't "that into YOU" - they're into the hype, feelings, potential, and options of "being with you right now".

That "talk" of commitment - that really wasn't necessary. You two don't know one another as individuals and you haven't got respect and admiration of one another in terms of values and character.

All you two know is that "your desire for me makes me feel so good about me, I can't get enough of your attention."

That is infatuation...and that's what kept his burner on his and his actions being impressive - until you had "the talk".

Once he was assured that everything that he assumes is an option or his opportunity as a result of alliance with you is on-line....then he doesn't have to come around, call, or include you in his life - at least not to the impactive degree that he was. He was missing his friends, and on doing other things, and pursuing other intersts....spending ALL his time impressing and pleasing you.

He basically bounces from whatever has his attention that makes him like himself - to something else...and he's just put you in the rotation.

If you want to play the "extremism" game you can....but what you won't ever get so you better not want it is a consistent and congruent amount of contact or interaction or inclusion with him or in his life, or his in yours.

He didn't 'get into this relationship to meet your needs" - nbody does that. He got into it because "it meets his needs"..that's why you got into it to - it met your needs.

It's just that you're doing this relationoship on his terms so it is also going to meet his needs...you just don't share those needs and so yours can't be met.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com