What does he want??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
What does he want??
4
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 12:41pm
I've been talking to this guy for about 6/7 months now. At first, he was so sweet. He called me all the time and we saw each other when we could and we just seemed to hit it off pretty well. It seemed as though things were heading down a path in which we would end up in a relationship (him n i both do not like to waste time in relationships because we believe that unless u can see a future with someone, then it's pointless to date for fun)
well around august i faced a crisis and i pushed him away a lil bit. I made up every excuse in the book for us to not be together mainly because I was hurt and scared and these feelings had nothing to do with him. I just didn't want to be in ANY relationship with a guy at that point.
Well time went on we continued talking with one another. Not as much though. I was trying to work through my crisis. But then came a point in which I felt that I've overcome the worst of it and I was ready for us to try back again. He seemed very receptive and willing and so we started to go out on a few dates. In the beginning, he used to always come and see me. We used to go to the movies, the mall, whereever. I liked him n he seemed to be really into me. Eventually we ended up sleeping together.
After we slept together, that's where all the sweetness ended. Now rather than him come n see me, he wants me to go n see him. He lives in New Jersey and I live in New York, I don't have a problem going and seeing him, it's just that i don't want to be doing ALL the work. He doesn't really call me as much any more, i do more of the calling. And when i asked him what is this that we have, he pretty much said that we are just two people who like each other and are sleeping together. we're not in a relationship. that bothers me a lot. i want a relationship, i don't want to just be someone that he's having "fun" with. i told him that i can't continue doing this and that i need to know what it is that he wants from this. in other words could it ever evolve into a relationship. he said he needs some time to think about that. this is coming from the guy who was trying to pressure me into a relationship in the beginning and now he doesn't want one?? when we first started talking, he made it clear that he doesn't like to waste time, so then y doesn't he want to enter a relationship with me. I kno for a fact that he isn't talking to any other girls. so what is his problem?!
if some one could help me that would be great. i'm willing to provide more information if necessary...
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 1:16pm

I think he's told you pretty clearly what he wants NOW. What he said or did before is irrelevant.

Him saying he wants time to think about it is most likely his way of sweeping it under the rug and hoping you'll drop it and just go along with having sex with him on his terms.

The question is, are you going to settle for that, or move on?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 2:24pm
I think it's a possiblity that it he may actually want what he said he wanted. :( a friends with benefits commitment. but hopefully im wrong! :) to test him why dont u not call him and see how long he goes without calling you back. if he goes longer than a week, then he is no longer "thinking about what he wants"; he's trying to see if you will drop the subject so things can go back to the way they were. and don't forget I learned this the hard way- ultimatiums never work. :( just say things like oh i just wanted to know where i stand. that doesnt make him feel threatnened and developing a wandering eye.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 5:11pm
Hey there, Your best bet is to try a disappearing act for a while. If he calls don't answer a few times. If he contacts you some other way, ignore it for a few days. My Ex BF did me the same way. We were great in the beginning of the relationship and he even pressured me to stop dating other people and only date him. The problems began when he stopped coming to see me and stopped calling so much. I believe that your guy is doing just what my guy did. He's into someone else and just wants to keep you hanging on as a play toy. Unless you're into Casual Sex, it might be time to see if he really wants to be with you. The only way you'll find that out is by making him contact you. I'd start today with the silent treatment. Try that for a few days and see if he comes crawling back. hugs and love to ya!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 8:05pm
I just ended something that sounds very similar to your situation. in my opinion, he probably just wants a non-commital physical relationship. when my guy would get mad that i would talk to other guys, i took that as him liking me. but turns out that he was just upset that i wasn't doing things on his terms anymore. although we had only been talking for about 4 months, i had really started falling for him. and although it's been really hard i know it was for the best. just give him some space and see what he does. otherwise, i would say just let it go...