What does him calling/not calling mean?
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| Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:04pm |
My girlfriend has been seeing someone for three months, and his behavior is hard to understand. This guy really does seem sweet and genuine. However, we've noticed that he can be shy and introverted, and from what she tells us, he is scared about getting hurt as he has been hurt before in the past. Important to know before I break down the scenario-- he is not seeing anyone else. Also important to know--she is just as painfully shy/scared when it somes to opening up emotionally as he is.
They've been seeing each other a couple of times a week, and although the talking on the phone was constant in the beginning, in the past two weeks she had begun to do most (although not all) of the calling. Most of the time he doesn't even "chat"-- it's mostly just setting up and/or finalizing plans for an upcoming date. However, while he sounds more distant and uncomfortable and sometimes vague on the phone, when they are together he seems crazy about her and is always talking about future plans and dates (and he follows through). Their dates seem wonderful, and I have yet to hear her talk about a "bad" date. And believe me, she would not hesitate to admit to us if something went wrong.
Last weekend, he blurted out that he loves her, and she blurted it back. To make matters worse, they were tipsy from wine and having some deep conversations aleady. However, when she saw him again this week, he seemed to flutter back and forth between goofy and fun to awkward and more distant than the previous date (where he told her he loves her). Neither one of them brought up the outburst. During the date, he talked about things they should/would do for future dates, but when he said goodnight he kissed and hugged her and told her he would "get in touch with" her. Usually he would say "they will probably talk" on a certain day or that he would see her on a certain day (if they had already finalized plans for the next date). Or he'd say nothing. But "get in touch with" was a new one for her.
Here is what we have been debating:
1) Does the fact that he doesn't call her often and they do not talk every day indicate a red flag? Some say no, for God's sake they do not have to talk every day or even every other day, but some people say if a man really cares about or loves a woman, he will talk to her every day.
2) Could this just be him? Is he someone who is not a phone person? Does his generally introverted personality play into this? If so, should she just call him if she does not hear from him?
3) What does "get in touch" mean? He may or may not call?
4) Kind of off-topic-- What the heck was the "I love you" all about??!! Or is it worth even her wondering about because he was drunk?
5) How/when or should she even talk to him about this? Some say NO! Don't have the TALK. Four months is too soon and he will run for the hills. Others say YES! Talk to him about what the heck is going on.
I do think this is the whole story, as I made her swear to be honest so I could get good feedback. And honestly, I think this is a great topic, period, that even I and others could learn from as we play this dating game!

2) A phone call is just a phone call, sometimes a guy will feel something secure and he knows that he doesn't need to call... because he knows that she will contact him somehow. This doesn't mean that she has to stop calling, guys like that, it's a feeling of security, I know, it's pathethic, but God made us like that. If she does stop calling then there will be doubts from both ends and then fingerpointing, better to be who you are, if there's some discrepancies, you need to TALK them over... even if the topic is: "Why you don't call me anymore"/"Stop calling me all the time"...
3) Get in touch is a guy word... doesn't mean a good or a bad thing, she has to observe and learn from him, maybe he's being himself all the time... and he has to do the same even if he doesn't know it...
4) The L word, of course you have to be drunk sometimes to have the courage to say it... even when you don't mean it... and that's the difference between men and women... if we feel like saying we'll say it... we do it to our best friends, even our car... She has to realize that it maybe too soon for him to feel this way, even if she already feels this way... she has to be the mature one in the relationship and TALK it over, but, this is not a public trial where you have evidence, a judge and a jury... just a normal casual conversation where she has to express how she feels and how she invisions the relationship after an "I love you" is out there... and get to a middle point...
5) They need to talk ASAP, but that doesn't mean that the next day has to be D-Day, it has to be casual, after dinner or at home after watching a movie, it just happens, but somebody has to pick and start the topic...
Hope this helps...
Focus on what IS and stop focusing on what MIGHT be. Focus on the positive and stop creating false negatives. TIME will tell where this is going. Just sit back and enjoy this without analyzing every breath taken and movement made. They see one another. They enjoy one another's company. They're having a good time. They're both shy and awkward. Communication is really the key to a good relationship, so perhaps they can work together on communicating better. So far I see no red flags here -- except too much analysis ruining the fun. :-) Good luck.