What does it mean when...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
What does it mean when...
3
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 6:26pm

So this guy....who I met online, had two long conversations on the phone with, and have met for just a few minutues at an event.....kinda hurt me when he made me feel really guilty for calling him in the middle of the day, by being kinda sarcastic and a bit curt. Later he apologized for the way he talked to me. I almost gave up on him that day, but a few days have passed, and I feel I should give him a chance.

Anyways, so as conversation progressed over email, he mentioned that at the time I was sick, the reason he did not call me, was because his SISTER advised him to not call me. (my sickness was after our two long convos and our meeting, and I FELT that it would have been really nice if he had called, coz I had told him over mail how I couldn't even get up from my bed. it was really bad sickness). I was shocked that he said his sister advised him not to call. Why would his sister advise him not to call me? I am confused.

He said he also told his sister bout that call of mine in the middle of the day, and the sis agreed that he shouldn't have spoken to me like that.

Now, he is a 32 year old man doing his Phd! And he is taking advise from his sister over his EVERY move with me, and discussing everything that I say and do????? That doesn't make me feel comfortable at all! Is this normal? Is this a good sign that he is discussing things with her about me? We haven't even gone on our first date yet!

I am even starting to wonder if he has a backbone of his own. His own mind and heart? If he felt he should have called me when I was sick, and if his sister said he shouldn't, he will just go with what the sis said? That's scary. How much of his life does this sis rule I wonder. She is close to his age.

I don't like this game playing. If you like a person, you show and express that you like a person. That's my simple way of doing things. I dont like this rule business...:( Makes it look so dispassionate and fake.

Ofcourse, I had guessed that his sister and he perhaps discuss a LOT of things, because he keeps mentioning and they share a very CLOSE bond. He had even mentioned this in his online profile.

Another thing that I found frustrating and interesting, is that ALL this time, he was playing it COOL and NOT showing his interest that much, coz he said that he thought that was the COOL GUY thing to do! he also said that he thought a WOMAN should set the pace of the relationship. And that's why, he kept putting the burden of taking the initiative on me.....!

What kind of a thinking is that? I am really frustrated.
Guys have always been the initiators...and most girls expect that.
If he keeps waiting for MY CALL to see if I am interested, he should think that I might be thinking the same thing!

He had given me a few option of days to choose (from his schedule) for our dinner date and had asked me to select a day, now I put the ball back in his court and asked him to SET a day and time, and let me know, and I will adjust my schedule accordingly. For once, he needs to take the initiaitive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 7:14pm
You know different people have different areas of confidence. Some people are confident about their intelligence, some about their people skills, some about their looks, some about their talents, etc. Sounds like your bf is insecure about handling a romantic relationship and that may be why he is asking for so much advice from others. I agree that a man is supposed to be the initiator in the first few months of the relationship. Perhaps he is just too insecure to perform his manly role? How can he be helped? It might help to praise him whenever he manages to behave in an appropriate manner. It may also help to be clear about what you are thinking and feeling - since a guy like this is unlikely to pick up non-verbal cues. Good luck! Iri
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 7:37pm

Yeah...I would not be a good match with a guy like him, either. No, it sure doesn't sound like he has much of a backbone at all. And I can't stand it when men expect women to make the moves and when they don't show their interest--that makes ME lose interest!

I'd let this guy go and find someone who is a better fit for you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 11:28am

I would be turned off by the whole sister thing, too.