What Does This MARRIED MAN Want FR: ME??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
What Does This MARRIED MAN Want FR: ME??
1
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 8:02am

This man that I have been referring to is 56 Years Old. He is married Common-Law and they have NO KIDS. According to him, he is Married....technically/sort of. Common-law rules and regulations (in Canada) state that they are Married. When I referred to her as his wife one day, he said, "Why are you calling her that"? To him he saw her as his GIRLFRIEND.

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My Story In A Nutshell:

This man first appoached me with a note (he slipped it to me at work), wanting to know if it was possible for us to get to know each other. He wanted to know if I could give him a phone number so we could talk. He wrote his first letter to me before we even starting really talking to each other. He told me that he was ATTRACTED to me from the first time he saw me. Keep in mind, now, his Common-law partner was still living with him and still is. In this letter he told me that he HAS NOT felt SO STRONGLY towards someone in MANY YEARS; that I am the MOST GEORGEOUS PERSON; that he THINKS OF ME OFTEN, and that he looks forward to seeing me IF ONLY BY CHANCE.

He made me believe that he was single....according to him, he and his common-law partner were going their separate ways in September....she was getting an apartment in the city....he thought he was safe....when her mother found out, she said, "If you leave my daughter, I will see you in the poor house." So her daughter stayed put in his home. According to him, they have SEPARATE ROOMS; they DO NOT SLEEP TOGETHER. He still tried to make me believe that it was over, there was no reason why we couldn't go out together. I would not go out in public with him....For four months, all of our contact was in the workplace and by phone.

I asked him after talking for a while if he felt we were COMPATIBLE. He said, "We HAVE NOT gone to bed yet." This man told me that to find out whether or not you are compatible, two people would need to sleep together first. HE BELIEVES THAT MAKING LOVE/SEX MAKES A RELATIONSHIP STRONGER. Although we did get somewhat physically close, there was no way he was going to get to sleep with me as long as his COMMON-LAW partner was sharing his home. That is something special that should be shared ONLY between Boyfriend and Girlfriend. I gave him much more attention than he was entitled to.

When we were discussing everything a couple of weeks ago, he saw the stress that I was under in regards to the "Situation" he was dealing with and felt it best if we keep a low profile (as too many people were finding out and couldn't risk her finding out, especially where he is SO financially stuck and trying to get out without losing too much) and stay away from each other. He said it was best for me, as I was also under stress in dealing with my family's objections with trying to sneak around and see him. This man and I NEVER SLEPT TOGETHER!!!

Well, anyway, we are not spending time together anymore. This man, just as of last Friday, was waiting for me (he works in the same building; he is NOT a Co-worker) to find out how I was doing as he was concerned about me. He told me that he loves me and to still call him. He also told me to remember what he wrote me in the letters and cards, where he included poems; which he wrote himself. When I was leaving, I said I will talk to you soon. He said, "I Hope So."

He is crazy if he thinks I am going to make the effort to contact him again. I am DONE WITH THIS MAN!!!

What is your honest opinion of this man? Is this something that MEN REALLY DO?

ADDED INFORMATION:

I used to see this man eyeing me for months before he approached me. He waited until he thought he was safe and she was out of his life. But he approached me too prematurely, and thought he could resolve everything with her without having to tell me. But as you can see it didn't work out that way.

Her mother WAS staying with them and is due back sometime in April. He told me that he told his partner that when her mother comes back, he WILL NOT be there. He said that aside from the problems that they have, he CAN NOT live his life the way he wants to.

He even told me that he told her a couple of times that they have to decide on what they are going to do in regards to the house as HE IS GOING.

When he came into my life this man and his partner were going their separate ways....she was getting her own apartment. Her mother stepped in and said if you leave my daughter, I will see you in the poor house. His concern all this time was being able to afford another home....he DOES NOT want to settle for an apartment. He told me he thought she would be gone by now. He even talked about US LIVING TOGETHER after everything was settled with his partner.

On Valentine's Day we exchanged cards. The next day he told me that he hadn't seen his partner for a couple of days due to her work schedule. He said, "I don't know if she even got a Valentine. It would be nice if someone was sweet on her at work, and she came and told me that she found someone."

I don't intent to bother with this man anymore, but everything that I said in my story is what this man has told me. He made me believe that I was the one that he wanted....and the only reason why he was still sharing HIS home with her is due to the FINANCIAL BIND that he is in. He told me that he has to make the mortgage payments as she is not able to do it.

But they must be discussing something, because just a couple of weeks ago when we were talking; once again he said, "I thought she would be gone by now." I said, "She is still there because she wants you.". He said, "Actually she wants the house." But he said, "Where the house is in my name, I can sell it."

Something is DEFINITELY not right with their relationship.

What is your take on all of this?

ALMOZA

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 9:02am

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To me, these two statements are not in alignment - truly bieng 'done' with a person or situation does not prompt you to expend more time and energy wondering what if and such.
Regardless of what is the truth of his situation - he is entangled in a mess and that makes him a man with a LOT of baggage. Having tried to 'help' a few men in my life unpack their baggage - it just isn't worth the pain and frustration involved. he's a big boy - he can do it himself.

In the meantime, if you truly are done with him - then you will tell him that unless or until he gets his common-law situation completely cleared up, that you prefer that he not contact you. He will do what he needs to do if he is sincere and you will not get involved in his mess.

Asking these kinds of questions, etc says to me that you have an interest in him and his activities. When something doens't matter to you, you don't talk about it, mull over it, analyze it or otherwise put any energy into it. A better question is why are you focusing so much attention on a man who is not 100% available to be in a relationship with you?

Toni