What Does This Mean? Are We Through?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
What Does This Mean? Are We Through?
70
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 5:21pm

The last time I posted I was in a bit of a sticky situation with someone who I finally realized was never going to commit to anything more than friendship, so I finally decided to move on.

About 2 months ago I started dating someone new (we actually started talking about 3 months ago). I've known this man for about 5 years as a family acquaintance, but he just divorced about 8 months ago. He is a few years older than me and has a toddler.

Everything has been close to perfect since we started dating. He treats me like a queen and I'm crazy about him. Everything just seemed to fall into place with our families, etc. I love his parents and have spent time with them and his child many times over the past few weeks. He says he feels the same about my family. He was pretty good friends with my mom before we started dating.

Then, everything changed this past weekend. I saw him on Friday but when I hadn't heard from him by Sunday night I tried to call him and got no answer. I left a message and tried again all day Monday, but never got a call back, which is really unusual. I finally visited him at work on Tuesday and he immediately started explaining. He said that he wasn't ignoring me but he's just trying to slow down. He said he has a lot of stuff going on right now and he needs to think some things over and get his head on straight. He never said the words "break-up," he just said he'll give me a call when he gets some things straightened out. I was really upset, but I didn't let him see that. He hugged me and said he would call me.

My mom talked to him later that night (they talk on a regular basis) and he told her he just needed a couple of weeks to regroup. He said things had been moving really fast and he had so much going on right now. He told her I was " a good girl and he wanted to right by me." She evidently asked him if it was the end of us and he told her no, he's not going anywhere and that everything would be fine.

So, I guess my question is - do I believe the stuff he told my mom? I have no problem giving time to figure things out, but I don't want to sit around waiting on him for two months when he's only going to break up with me then. He knows a lot of my family and sees them on a regular basis, so I don't he would have even risked dating me if was going to be a jerk about anything.

My gut tells me that things were just moving too fast and with him being divorced less than a year, he doesn't want to jump too deep into anything yet.

What do you all think?! Are we still together and taking a break? Or is this his way of dumping me without being to harsh?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 6:59pm

I would give him the couple weeks to regroup he mentioned to your mom. If he hasn't called you by, say, 4th of July, then I would consider it a breakup and start moving on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 8:07pm
I forgot to mention that he had given me a key to his house a few weeks back and I told him that I would drop it and the rest of his stuff (clothes, etc.) off at work. He didn't seemed all that concerned about me bringing it back. My mom seems to think I should hang on to it because if I am too eager to get it back to him it will look like I want things to end??????
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 8:49pm

Hmmm...that's a horse of a different color, if he asked for his stuff back (whether or not he specifically asked for the key)--that says breakup rather than break to me. Did he ask, or did you volunteer to bring it (and if so why did you)?

In any event, you have to keep your word and do what you said you were going to do, unless you let him know otherwise.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 9:08pm
No, he didn't mention giving anything back. In fact, I had already left his office and thought about the stuff like 10 minutes later. I called him right away and said I needed to get that stuff back to him and offered to run it by sometime. He just said "that'll be fine" and we left it at that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 9:36pm

Don't take his stuff back, and try not to project "break up" status into it ... if in fact, all he needs is a little time to regroup. This is what John Gray (Mars/Venus author) calls "going into his cave" ... in other words, when men "need space" ... they go into their cave and "think" about things. hehehe. And usually re-emerge just fine ... and less worse for the wear. Meanwhile, the woman is sweating it, ie "is he breaking up with me?"

Unless he's said so in so many words ... that he wants to break up ... just give him some space/time ... and like Sheri said, if he doesn't come around within a couple weeks, THEN ... consider moving on. Or, at the very least, ask him what his timeframe is for regrouping (a very legit question!)

Because, the mistake men make in this "taking space" thing is that a) they often forget to forewarn us that that is their intention ... they kind of just do it and we're like "what huh? where'd ya go?!" (this happened to me, too) ... and b) they don't put a timeframe on it ... whereas it is COMPLETELY appropriate to say "I need a month or so to regroup" ... that way, we're not left hanging, wondering "ok, is he done yet?" ;-)

Hang in there, k?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 9:58pm

Thanks for the reply. I intend on giving him the time he needs to get it together. I know he has been having trouble with his roomate, money problems, etc. I really like him and his family and I want this to work.

I spoke to his cousin who I have known for years (this is how I originally met him) and she said she feels like he fell too fast and unexpectedly - and being that he is fresh from a divorce, he wants to take his time.

He is a good guy and he deserves all the time he needs. I miss him a lot, but I am getting by on the hope that it will all work out. My birthday is coming up next weekend. We had made plans for that, which I know are out the window, but I'm anxious to see if he at least calls me then.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 10:20pm

Ok, I guess I'm not clear on why you did that, but I would agree that since you didn't set a specific time, don't return his stuff before whatever internal deadline you set for yourself has past (whether you take my suggestion of July 4 or make it longer or shorter). Unless of course it's stuff he absolutely HAS to have (and maybe that's why you told him you'd return it?), in which case you should bring it to him ASAP.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 10:27pm
The reason I called him right away about bringing his stuff back is because I took it as a break up at first. (He didn't say the words, I was just sort of panicky). It wasn't until after my mom talked to him that I realized it could possibly be just a break. I don't have anything he will need anytime soon, I just thought he might be uncomfortable with me having his house key if we aren't exactly seeing each other.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 10:32pm

Ok, gotcha, thanks.

I really don't think he'll have a problem with you keeping his stuff and his key for a little while if he's truly thinking in terms of break and not breakup. And if he calls and asks for them/it back, well, then that'll be a good indication that he's thinking more in terms of the latter.

But for the moment, I would say just sit tight and don't do anything....don't call him, don't assume you're broken up, don't bring him his stuff.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 6:31pm

Thanks for the advice guys! I'm going to give him time and hope I can stand not seeing him for that long.

Keep your fingers crossed that it all works out because I really think we might have something here.

If anybody else has an opinion, I'd love to hear from ya!

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