What Does This Mean? Are We Through?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
What Does This Mean? Are We Through?
70
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 5:21pm

The last time I posted I was in a bit of a sticky situation with someone who I finally realized was never going to commit to anything more than friendship, so I finally decided to move on.

About 2 months ago I started dating someone new (we actually started talking about 3 months ago). I've known this man for about 5 years as a family acquaintance, but he just divorced about 8 months ago. He is a few years older than me and has a toddler.

Everything has been close to perfect since we started dating. He treats me like a queen and I'm crazy about him. Everything just seemed to fall into place with our families, etc. I love his parents and have spent time with them and his child many times over the past few weeks. He says he feels the same about my family. He was pretty good friends with my mom before we started dating.

Then, everything changed this past weekend. I saw him on Friday but when I hadn't heard from him by Sunday night I tried to call him and got no answer. I left a message and tried again all day Monday, but never got a call back, which is really unusual. I finally visited him at work on Tuesday and he immediately started explaining. He said that he wasn't ignoring me but he's just trying to slow down. He said he has a lot of stuff going on right now and he needs to think some things over and get his head on straight. He never said the words "break-up," he just said he'll give me a call when he gets some things straightened out. I was really upset, but I didn't let him see that. He hugged me and said he would call me.

My mom talked to him later that night (they talk on a regular basis) and he told her he just needed a couple of weeks to regroup. He said things had been moving really fast and he had so much going on right now. He told her I was " a good girl and he wanted to right by me." She evidently asked him if it was the end of us and he told her no, he's not going anywhere and that everything would be fine.

So, I guess my question is - do I believe the stuff he told my mom? I have no problem giving time to figure things out, but I don't want to sit around waiting on him for two months when he's only going to break up with me then. He knows a lot of my family and sees them on a regular basis, so I don't he would have even risked dating me if was going to be a jerk about anything.

My gut tells me that things were just moving too fast and with him being divorced less than a year, he doesn't want to jump too deep into anything yet.

What do you all think?! Are we still together and taking a break? Or is this his way of dumping me without being to harsh?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 3:13pm
I talked to his cousin today and she said she saw him on Friday. She asked how i was and he said, "oh, we're taking a little break right now." I don't know if this is a good or a bad response. I guess I just have to look at it like that too or I will go crazy!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 9:36am

I hadn't brought this up before now, but I was thinking about the "sex to soon" issue. We had been dating for less than a week the first time we slept together. This is not typical behavior for me and I think he knows that, the chemistry between us was just really strong. He instigated it just as much as I did.

The sex was great and frequent over the past few weeks. However, I was wondering if maybe he let that go on for a while and then freaked out all of a sudden because it happened too fast to begin with. Maybe it took a few weeks to start thinking with his real BRAIN!

Just a thought???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 10:07pm

Well, the situation still isn't looking good. I still haven't talked to him. My mom talked to him twice this week. The first time, he asked how I was and she told him I wasn't taking this well and that I was depressed, not eating, etc. He said that made him feel really bad. She told him I just needed to know what happened and if this was the end or not. He said he couldn't promise anything because he just didn't know.

The second time she actually saw him and he asked her if I had eaten yet. She said he had a sad look on his face and called himself a low-life scumbag. He told her it would be ok in the end - whatever that means. That was Wednesday and he told her then that he was going to call me and he still hasn't.

Today is my birthday and I really thought this would be the day he called, but he didn't. He knew when my birthday was and had even discussed plans with my mom. The two weeks before all this happened he was asking me what I wanted everyday. I know he didn't forget.

I don't know how much more I can take. Should I wait a couple more days and then call him? Or is this considered chasing him down?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 10:26pm
I am not sure I am getting this mom thing very well--it seems that he is talking to your mom more than to you. Are you sure that your mother is not putting pressure on him (with the best intentions, of course), and that may explain why he is withdrawing? I am quite sure most mothers would do such kind of thing, and they don't even realize how it may affect men when they are still at the initial stages of a relationship.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 10:29pm

Well, what would you say to him or ask him if you called him? I think if he knew what he wanted, he'd have called you.

Frankly, since he didn't call you on your birthday and it's been what, a couple weeks now...I'd be pretty much thinking that this is a breakup, not a break, and move on.

So I'm not sure what calling him will accomplish...unless you'd just be calling to say, ok, I've waited long enough, I'm moving on, call me if you ever decide you want to try again.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 9:13am

As far as the mom thing goes, in past relationships I would never let her meddle in things. But, they have known each other for a long time and talk on a weekly basis anyways - even before I started dating him. In fact, she asked him if the problem was her.

The reason I want to call him is because it is killing me not knowing how things went from great to nothing. There was no fighting or anything. I also need to know if I should give him more time or just move on. I still have his house key, etc. that he hasn't called for yet.

I talked to his cousin again yesterday and she is clueless, but she seems to think I need to give him a call - that maybe he is waiting on me to call to see if I care.

My only hesitation is that he is not ready to talk yet and will be pressured into making a decision if I do call. I want to tell him to take his time, I can wait and am in no rush for anything.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 12:56pm

He was the one to initiate the break...he's not waiting on you to call (and if he is then why would you want to be with someone who would play silly games like that?).

There's no need to tell him to take his time...that's what he's doing already.

Moving on or not shouldn't be his decision. If he has any integrity (and presumably you wouldn't be with him if he didn't), and he knows that he's done with your relationship, he'd call to tell you. So he hasn't made up his mind yet. It's up to YOU to decide if you're going to allow yourself to be kept in limbo and for how much longer.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 1:33pm
How much longer are you going to wait around for him? Are you just going to put your life on hold and take him back whenever he feels like coming back??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 3:28pm

I'm not going to wait around on him forever - I'm smarter than that. However, it has only been 2 weeks since he said he needed time. He didn't say anything about it being the end or dating other people. He told my mom he didn't know anything yet and he told his cousin we were "taking a break." I truly believe that he is a decent enough person to call and tell me when he makes a decision.

Like I said, my problem is that I don't know what happened. It took me by surprise because everything was so great. I think he should at least tell me that much and then if it doesn't work out, at least I'll know why.

I would just really like to talk to him and explain how I see it because I'm afraid that he might think that I am in a hurry for a serious commitment. Plus, I need to know whether to move on with my life or not.

My question is, is calling him a good idea? Will it put pressure on him? I don't intend on making him say yes or no. I just want him to know I support him and whatever he needs to do to make this work.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 4:25pm

I think by not calling him, you are sending the message that you say you want to send by calling him. Calling him will send the opposite message, IMO (that you need to know something NOW, even if you say differently).

And he's not going to be able to tell you "what happened"...if he could, he would have done so already.

If you think he would call if he'd made a decision, then why do you say in this post, "I need to know whether to move on with my life or not"? You're really not being consistent.

Sheri

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