What Does This Mean? Are We Through?
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| Thu, 06-22-2006 - 5:21pm |
The last time I posted I was in a bit of a sticky situation with someone who I finally realized was never going to commit to anything more than friendship, so I finally decided to move on.
About 2 months ago I started dating someone new (we actually started talking about 3 months ago). I've known this man for about 5 years as a family acquaintance, but he just divorced about 8 months ago. He is a few years older than me and has a toddler.
Everything has been close to perfect since we started dating. He treats me like a queen and I'm crazy about him. Everything just seemed to fall into place with our families, etc. I love his parents and have spent time with them and his child many times over the past few weeks. He says he feels the same about my family. He was pretty good friends with my mom before we started dating.
Then, everything changed this past weekend. I saw him on Friday but when I hadn't heard from him by Sunday night I tried to call him and got no answer. I left a message and tried again all day Monday, but never got a call back, which is really unusual. I finally visited him at work on Tuesday and he immediately started explaining. He said that he wasn't ignoring me but he's just trying to slow down. He said he has a lot of stuff going on right now and he needs to think some things over and get his head on straight. He never said the words "break-up," he just said he'll give me a call when he gets some things straightened out. I was really upset, but I didn't let him see that. He hugged me and said he would call me.
My mom talked to him later that night (they talk on a regular basis) and he told her he just needed a couple of weeks to regroup. He said things had been moving really fast and he had so much going on right now. He told her I was " a good girl and he wanted to right by me." She evidently asked him if it was the end of us and he told her no, he's not going anywhere and that everything would be fine.
So, I guess my question is - do I believe the stuff he told my mom? I have no problem giving time to figure things out, but I don't want to sit around waiting on him for two months when he's only going to break up with me then. He knows a lot of my family and sees them on a regular basis, so I don't he would have even risked dating me if was going to be a jerk about anything.
My gut tells me that things were just moving too fast and with him being divorced less than a year, he doesn't want to jump too deep into anything yet.
What do you all think?! Are we still together and taking a break? Or is this his way of dumping me without being to harsh?

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It's hard to be consistent when I'm so confused about everything. Yes, I do think he will call when he's made a decision. He knows that even if we are not dating we will inevitably run into each other in the future. So, he will have to eventually put an end to it (nicely) if he doesn't want it to continue.
But, the reason I said I need to know whether to move on or not is because I hate the fact that I may be making myself miserable when it may already be over. I really like, maybe even love, this guy and he is worth waiting for. I just wish he would give me an update or something. I understand pulling away is part of the male cycle and all of that stuff. I just wish men understood that women need communication.
That's why YOU need to decide how long YOU are willing to wait.
If he had an update, he'd have given it to you already. He doesn't.
Sheri
I know, and I don't mean to be un-sympathetic. I just hate to see you sit in painful limbo while he makes up his mind, so I hope you'll take care of yourself and make up your mind to move on. That doesn't mean he won't come back around, even if you make up your mind to move on...it just means you won't be in limbo anymore.
Sheri
It has now been 18 days since he decided he needed a break and I'm going insane. I want to see him so bad! I just don't know what to do. I sit around wondering if he is thinking about me and the whole situation as much as I am - or if I have even crossed his mind.
My mom says she has this gut feeling that I should call him, and I want to, but I don't want to screw it up even more or put pressure on him.
There has been absolutely no contact between us and he hasn't called to ask for his house key back yet. I have to go to his business tomorrow, so I'm anxious to see if he avoids me or not.
I still think that the only reason to call him would be to let him know you've decided to move on, so if that's not the case, I wouldn't call.
And if I'm not mistaken, you've been posting about this on another board and there are other people besides you who could go to his business, correct? If that's the case, I'm curious as to why you're back to deciding that *you* have to go rather than one of them.
Sheri
I didn't say that I was going to go. In fact, I said that there are only two other employees, one of which is my mom and the other girl knows him well. My mom is probably the safer bet, because the other girl is mouthy and would definitely say something to him.
If I do call him, I wasn't necessarily going to say that I'm going to move on in those exact words. I would just say that I understand and respect his need for time, but I don't want to drag this on and on in the hopes that we will get back together. So, in essence I would I want a relationship with you but I don't want to keep my hopes up if you know it's over and are too scared to tell me.
Ok, sorry, I guess I was confused because you wrote: "I have to go to his business tomorrow, so I'm anxious to see if he avoids me or not." And yes, I'd definitely send your mom of the two, with strict instructions not to talk about you unless HE brings it up, LOL!!!!
As for calling him and saying that, I think that if he'd already made a decision one way or the other, he would have told you by now (assuming he's the good guy you think he is). So I think it's pretty clear he's still ambivalent. You could call him and say that but recognize that by saying that, you could push him to saying, "ok then, let's say it's over" when he really isn't ready to say that. So instead, you could say to him something more like, "I'm willing to give you more time to figure things out but I hope you'll have the courtesy to let me know if you decide in the meantime that you don't want to see me any more" and hopefully get him to commit to that.
Sheri
'It has now been 18 days since he decided he needed a break and I'm going insane. I want to see him so bad! I just don't know what to do. I sit around wondering if he is thinking about me and the whole situation as much as I am - or if I have even crossed his mind.'
ok so i know how bad you want to see him...but in reality do you really want to be with someone who is putting you through this and making you feel this way? It really just seemes harsh to me...i know he is recently divorced and has a child, but 18 days of NO contact when things were apparently going well with you two? It seems cold to me. When i was 23 i went through something similar, i sat around waited for him to decide and then got back with him when he came around...2 years later he broke up with me again. It seems like you want to believe this guy is the one, but is this a memory of him that you want to have even if you two DO end up together? You may always feel insecure with him now after all this....
Oh, sorry about the confusion over going to his work. To help explain the situation a little better I'll reveal a little more info.; he works for a dealership where we get our personal and company cars serviced. Usually, one of us (me or my mom) drops the vehicle being serviced off, and the other person comes behind in another car to pick that person up. If I am the one picking up, he will usually come out and talk to me. That's what I meant when I said I wonder if he'll avoid me. I was definitely not going to be the one to go inside. And, I made sure to tell my mom to avoid the subject of us unless he brings it up. We went over there today, but he wasn't there either of the times we were there.
Thanks for the advice about how to possibly word it so that he won't feel as pressured. That might be the way to go if I decide to call him. I haven't felt that the time was right yet, but when I get to the point that I can't take it any more, then I think a call is necessary.
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