What Does This Mean? Are We Through?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
What Does This Mean? Are We Through?
70
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 5:21pm

The last time I posted I was in a bit of a sticky situation with someone who I finally realized was never going to commit to anything more than friendship, so I finally decided to move on.

About 2 months ago I started dating someone new (we actually started talking about 3 months ago). I've known this man for about 5 years as a family acquaintance, but he just divorced about 8 months ago. He is a few years older than me and has a toddler.

Everything has been close to perfect since we started dating. He treats me like a queen and I'm crazy about him. Everything just seemed to fall into place with our families, etc. I love his parents and have spent time with them and his child many times over the past few weeks. He says he feels the same about my family. He was pretty good friends with my mom before we started dating.

Then, everything changed this past weekend. I saw him on Friday but when I hadn't heard from him by Sunday night I tried to call him and got no answer. I left a message and tried again all day Monday, but never got a call back, which is really unusual. I finally visited him at work on Tuesday and he immediately started explaining. He said that he wasn't ignoring me but he's just trying to slow down. He said he has a lot of stuff going on right now and he needs to think some things over and get his head on straight. He never said the words "break-up," he just said he'll give me a call when he gets some things straightened out. I was really upset, but I didn't let him see that. He hugged me and said he would call me.

My mom talked to him later that night (they talk on a regular basis) and he told her he just needed a couple of weeks to regroup. He said things had been moving really fast and he had so much going on right now. He told her I was " a good girl and he wanted to right by me." She evidently asked him if it was the end of us and he told her no, he's not going anywhere and that everything would be fine.

So, I guess my question is - do I believe the stuff he told my mom? I have no problem giving time to figure things out, but I don't want to sit around waiting on him for two months when he's only going to break up with me then. He knows a lot of my family and sees them on a regular basis, so I don't he would have even risked dating me if was going to be a jerk about anything.

My gut tells me that things were just moving too fast and with him being divorced less than a year, he doesn't want to jump too deep into anything yet.

What do you all think?! Are we still together and taking a break? Or is this his way of dumping me without being to harsh?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 5:03pm

Thanks for the response, molly311! That's one of the thing that doesn't make any sense to me - him leaving me hanging this long. From the way he treated me and things he said and did, I would have never thought he would do that. I still believe with all my heart that he is a decent guy, though. I know what he went through (counseling, etc.) to try and save his marriage with someone who treated him like s**t and he couldn't stand any more, all for the sake of his child and because he believed in the commitment. So, he just seems like to nice of a person to do something mean intentionally. Plus, I've known him and some of his relatives for years, and I've never heard anything bad about him.

Still, the only sense I can make of it all is that everything felt too good to be true and with him being recently divorced, he just needs time to figure out if he is ready for a committed relationship again.?.?.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 6:13pm

Ok, so my mom talked to him today. She called about business, and she said she did not mention anything about the situation, and that he asked her how I was doing. She told him I was doing fine and it was left at that.

I was really kind of upset because I thought he might provide a few more details - like when/if he might call, etc. She said he had someone in his office, so that may be why he didn't say anything else.

He told her that he was going to come and get my vehicle next week for some body work, meaning he is going to come and pick it up at my office. As bad as I want to see him, I am seriously thinking about going to the back if he comes. He'll obviously know I'm there if my car is, but small talk and acting like nothing is wrong isn't good enough for me.

I am almost to the point of calling him. I thought about asking him if my mom is harassing him as an excuse to call - and then, if he seems open and friendly, I might bring up some of the other stuff. I don't know yet.?.?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 1:54am

Don't call him! He is stringing you along! Anyone can say that they care about you, they are just on the rebound, confused etc... But the bottom line is, he's emotionally dragging you through the mud. If you were to move on and don't call him, I can guarantee you this...

He will start calling you wondering why you're not calling him. If you tell him you decided to move on, he'll probably try to get back into your good graces again.

He is stringing you along and no matter what he says, he doesn't care that he's stringing you along. Whether it's maliciousness, passive agressiveness or he just thinks you have nothing better to do than to put your life on hold for him, he is NOT considering your feelings. So it's time for you to find a REAL boyfriend who cares about you. Don't put your life on hold a minute longer, it never reels the guy in!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 4:27pm

His aunt came into my office today. We would see her a couple of times a week when we were dating and I sat with her and his mom at his ballgames. She asked why I hadn't been at the last few games and I told her what happened. (The watered down version, of course -Things were fine, then he said he needed time to think. I thought we might have been moving too fast. Really like him and their family. Hope it works out). She said she knew he that after his divorce he had decided not to get remarried any time soon, but she was surpised because she said we were so cute together and seemed so happy.

Is it a good sign that she didn't know about it? At least I know he isn't bringing another girl around or spreading the word about our problems. She said there was a ballgame tonight and I told her to tell everyone hello for me. She always sits with his mom, so I know they will be chatting about me. I told her how much I liked him and his family and I missed everybody. Probably not a good idea to say that, but I don't care anymore. It's one thing to act like I'm over it to him, but I'm not going to lie to his family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 10:07pm

What an awkward situation to have your families so closely involved in your romantic relationship!! I think the first thing you need to do is tell your mother to step out of it. I know she thinks she's helping, and it's clear she has her own friendship with this young man. But your mother has no place in your romantic affairs. I think it's terrible that she told him you were depressed and not eating. She was on a better track when she told the guy you were "fine" and left it at that. Tell your mom that the next time he asks about you, she should say something like: ", you and I are co-workers and friends. But if you want to know anything else about my daughter, you'll have to ask her." And if he continues to talk to her about you, she shouldn't tell you.. and you need to ask her to stop, and STOP asking her about him!

As for anyone else... like his friends or his aunt... just don't entertain any more conversations about him. You don't have to explain why... they should understand.

Next, I agree that the only good reason to call this guy is to tell him you've decided to move on. He didn't call you on your birthday?!! I would be very hurt about that, and I would take that as a major hint that he is not as concerned about you as he should be. I understand you two are on "a break." But even friends drop each other a quick "Happy Birthday" email or phone call. My guess is he considers himself gone from your life right now, and he doesn't want to do ANYTHING to encourage you.

Personally, I have never wanted to be with anyone who wasn't sure whether he wanted me or not. You might be a lot more patient and flexible than I am... but it also sounds like you are in a great deal of pain. Give yourself permission to get FREE, and start getting some relief. It totally stinks when someone else holds ALL the cards. You can take back your power if you decide to move forward without him. If you end up getting back together somewhere down the road, that's great... but it should be a mutual and SMART decision.

Good luck, and keep letting us know how you're doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 10:26pm

Thanks for the advice jilly73. I've told my mom I don't expect her to stop talking to him or be rude to him or anything. I can't do that because she knew him long before I did. She understands and was only trying to do what she thought was best. The last few times she has talked to him he has brought me up, not her. I also think it could be a good sign that he offered to come and pick my car up.

As for the conversations with his aunt, cousin, etc., they have all brought it up, not me. I know I don't have to explain it to them, but I don't feel right lying either. I just give them a short summary of what happened and hope maybe they can provide some insight. But, I have never been the one to initiate the conversation.

The birthday thing hurt me perhaps more than anything. I KNOW he did not forget. He could have just made a quick call to say "Happy Birthday. I'm thinking about you on your day. Still thinking things over. I'll give you a call when I regroup." That really upset me.

Maybe I am crazy for wanting so badly to be with someone who has done this to me. I try to make myself have hard feelings for him or convince myself that he doesn't care about me; but, I just don't get that vibe from him. I HONESTLY, WITH ALL MY HEART, believe that we were moving too fast and he is trying to decide if he is ready to be in a relationship again. His life is not going so well right now and maybe it's just bad timing.
I know I need to get it together and live my life, but I need an answer from him before I can do that.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 10:45pm

No, you really don't...that's the point we're trying to make. YOU need to decide if you're moving on, or not...because he's not going to give you an answer, most likely. Make a decision--am I going to wait, and if so, how long? And once you've reached the limit you've set for yourself, move on. As Jilly said (and I think I've said it too)...take back the control rather than leaving it in his hands.

Moving on doesn't mean that if he comes back around 6 months from now asking for another chance, that you'll necessarily turn him down (although you might). It just means you won't spend a whole 6 months of your life in limbo and pining for something that may not happen.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 4:00pm

My internet has been down since Thursday night, so I haven’t posted since then; but, some things have happened so I thought I’d provide an update.

First of all, I saw him yesterday for the first time in 4 weeks. I had to take my car in for service. When I dropped it off, I didn’t see him around anywhere. My mom picked me up and we drove around the building to leave and he was standing out there on his cell phone. He waved and I waved back, but we didn’t stop or anything.

I went back a little while later to pick it up. When I walked in I saw him standing at reception, but his back was to me and there a few tall plants around there and I don’t think he saw me. I went on back to where you have to pick the car up, and I had to wait there for a few minutes. I saw him come into the next room and talk to his boss. The room I was in has glass walls, but there are displays up and stickers on the glass, so I’m not sure if he saw me then or not. He finished talking to his boss and went back toward his office. His boss came through and saw me and talked to me for a few minutes. Then I got my keys and walked back toward the front door to leave. At this point, he was standing in the reception area again. As I got almost to the door, he turned and started walking in my direction. I don’t think he would have seen me (or didn’t want to) but I was like “Hey.” He turned and said “Hey” and walked over to where I was. I opened the door and looked to see where my car was parked. I went on out and he said he was going that way too so he would walk with me. He started talking about business stuff and a sale that he had going on, etc. When we reached my car, he said that my mom mentioned me bringing it in to get the dings fixed this week. I acted like I didn’t know what he was talking about and told him I wasn’t going to worry about it. (Don’t want him to know that I know my mom has talked to him). We talked about that for a second and he said “Well, it’s good to see you. Tell your mom hi.” Then I got in the car and he walked off.

THAT WAS IT! Four weeks ago, he was looking at me naked everyday and he just treated me like I was his best little customer. I know he had people in his office and we couldn’t really talk about anything at work, but I felt he should have said something more than that.

So, forward to last night. My cousin/best friend is house sitting this week five condos up from his. I met her there yesterday afternoon and we went out shopping and stuff. We came back in around 8:30 last night and he still wasn’t home. We went back out about 9:15 and his car was there. I had already decided since I was going to be five doors up from him all week this would be a good time for us to get together and talk.

So, I called him about 10:00. I just knew he wasn’t going to answer, so I already had recited the message I was going to leave. But, he answered on the 2nd ring. I said “Hey” and asked him what was happening. He said he was watching tv with his daughter. ( I heard her in the background, so he wasn’t lying about that). I asked him if had seen my car parked five doors up and he said he didn’t. I told him that I needed to talk to him, but since he had her I would let him go and he could just call me later if that was ok. He said “Ok.” I said “I’m sorry to bother you” and he said “You’re alright.” We said bye and that was it.

So, I know I probably shouldn’t have called, but my gut feeling is that it is time for us to talk. Since I had the guts to make the first call, I’m hoping he will at least call back. I am going to say that I am willing to give him more time if that is what he needs, and that if it is over then that is fine, but either way there are things I need to say to him. It would be different if the chances were that we would never see each other again, but knowing that I will have contact with him and his family, I can’t leave it unresolved.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 4:48pm

The answer is not to develop hard feelings towards him - it's to develop GREAT feelings about YOURSELF.

Once you figure out that you do NOT deserve to be treated this way, you won't NEED to try and think negative thoughts about him.

A healthy woman, once she gets over the initial hurt (which is normal) will say "ya know, I'm worth SO much more than this. This guy obviously doesn't care much about me if he's willing to ignore me for 4 weeks, and risk me walking out of his life completely".

If someone is willing to walk away from you, LET THEM WALK. You've been hanging by a string for a long time now. When are you going to stop being so understanding and care about YOURSELF a little more? Oh poor him, all confused after his divorce, not knowing if he wants a relationship or not. What about YOU?? What about the sweet, obviously VERY caring woman that he is completely disregarding??

Sure, he's asking your mom about you. It could be to keep the peace with her, or it could be that he doesn't want to feel like the bad guy for hurting you..either way, it's not about YOU, it's about how HE feels (HE feels guilty, HE feels awkward).

I am keeping you in my prayers tonight. I'm going to pray for strength and self-love for you.

No one deserves this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 5:16pm
I think everyone on here can agree with me when I say MOVE ON, it's obvious he doesn't want to be with you. Don't call him, or spy on him when he's at home. Who cares if you've known his family for years, don't let them be an excuse to find out what he's saying or doing. He probably is seeing someone else, and told his family not to tell you. Sorry girl. Mail his key back to him.

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