What Does This Mean? Are We Through?
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| Thu, 06-22-2006 - 5:21pm |
The last time I posted I was in a bit of a sticky situation with someone who I finally realized was never going to commit to anything more than friendship, so I finally decided to move on.
About 2 months ago I started dating someone new (we actually started talking about 3 months ago). I've known this man for about 5 years as a family acquaintance, but he just divorced about 8 months ago. He is a few years older than me and has a toddler.
Everything has been close to perfect since we started dating. He treats me like a queen and I'm crazy about him. Everything just seemed to fall into place with our families, etc. I love his parents and have spent time with them and his child many times over the past few weeks. He says he feels the same about my family. He was pretty good friends with my mom before we started dating.
Then, everything changed this past weekend. I saw him on Friday but when I hadn't heard from him by Sunday night I tried to call him and got no answer. I left a message and tried again all day Monday, but never got a call back, which is really unusual. I finally visited him at work on Tuesday and he immediately started explaining. He said that he wasn't ignoring me but he's just trying to slow down. He said he has a lot of stuff going on right now and he needs to think some things over and get his head on straight. He never said the words "break-up," he just said he'll give me a call when he gets some things straightened out. I was really upset, but I didn't let him see that. He hugged me and said he would call me.
My mom talked to him later that night (they talk on a regular basis) and he told her he just needed a couple of weeks to regroup. He said things had been moving really fast and he had so much going on right now. He told her I was " a good girl and he wanted to right by me." She evidently asked him if it was the end of us and he told her no, he's not going anywhere and that everything would be fine.
So, I guess my question is - do I believe the stuff he told my mom? I have no problem giving time to figure things out, but I don't want to sit around waiting on him for two months when he's only going to break up with me then. He knows a lot of my family and sees them on a regular basis, so I don't he would have even risked dating me if was going to be a jerk about anything.
My gut tells me that things were just moving too fast and with him being divorced less than a year, he doesn't want to jump too deep into anything yet.
What do you all think?! Are we still together and taking a break? Or is this his way of dumping me without being to harsh?

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Well, you need to handle it how you think is best, but I really think that any phone call at this point should be you saying that you are moving on because he chose to go 4 weeks without contacting you, rather than you saying you're leaving it up to him. I don't think you'll get a straight answer from him.
Sheri
I'm not going to say that I'm leaving it up to him. I'm going to say that I am willing to give him more time, but if he's through with me he needs to tell me so that I can move on. But, either way, there are things that I need to say to him and I want to meet and talk. I think he at least owes me that much.
From my experience, men just don't say the things that he said to me without serious thought. (Yes, he said these things AFTER we started sleeping together). For example, we were laying there one night and I said something about how I hated getting up and getting dressed to go home after I was already comfortable. He said "one day you won't have to."
(EXPLANATION: I'm living with parents right now - try to be a good girl and not stay all night).
I think I had previously mentioned things he said about the house we were going to build and and Christmas presents, etc. I've never dated a guy that talked about this stuff after a year, let alone two months. My last relationship lasted two years and we never talked about the future.
I don't know if I mentioned this or not, but one time we were talking about previous relationships, etc. He was talking about this female friend of his who was pursuing him and how he had no interest in her in that way and plus she is only 19. I am 23 so I of course asked him if I was too young for him (he's 33). He said no and told me that he thought I was 25 or 26 before we started dating. He said he liked that fact that I am very mature and I had goals for myself and where I want my life to go. AND THEN HE SAID, "Hopefully, you want to share those goals with me and we can build on that." Maybe I'm stupid, but I took that to mean that he wanted us to have a future and make a life together.
Also, I know the outsider's opinion seems to be that he is seeing someone else, but I just don't think that is the case. I don't think his friends and family would even bring him up to me if he was. Plus, wouldn't he be concerned about me still having a house key if he was afraid I'd walk in when another girl was there?
Actually, talking about the future so early on is a pretty big red flag, I've found. It often is an indication that the guy has a fantasy view of relationships, not a realistic one, and the same guys who are talking about a future after you've only been seeing each other for a month or two and he barely knows you are often the same ones who pull a disappearing act a couple months later after reality sets in (which it always will, because the perfect fantasy relationship of course doesn't exist). I've learned to take any such future talk with a huge grain of salt.
In any event, my point about YOU making the decision was in part because I don't think you will get a straight answer from him if you're expecting him to tell you that he's done with you. Even if he is, the fact that he hasn't had the grace to call you and TELL you that shows that he wants to leave his options open IMO. I don't disagree that you deserve a chance to talk to him, but that doesn't mean you'll get it, or that he'll be straight with you.
And it was other posters, not me, who suggested that he might be seeing someone else, so I won't address that.
Sheri
Sorry, Sheri. I didn't mean to imply that you suggested he was seing someone else. I was just trying to address two different posts with one reply. Sorry for the confusion.
BTW, thanks for all your advice. You're probably right about the fact that he won't say whether he's done or not because he still doesn't know. I actually hope that he doesn't know because that means we may get back together at some point. That's not to say that I won't move on and date other people in the mean time, I just would like to try one more time with him.
So, as bad as it sounds, I hope he is leaving his options open and maybe that's why he hasn't called to get the key back. If he does call me back, I'm going to make it clear that if we talk there is no pressure on him and he doesn't have to answer anything because I'm not going to ask any questions. This is just me talking and saying what I need to get off of my chest about how fast we were moving, etc.
I knew that it was not normal for a man to get so excited about the future. That is why I never responded with anything other than a smile when he said things like that. I didn't take any of that seriously yet, I just wondered why a man would say those things if he didn't really mean or at least think about it.
This is why I tend to think that a man wouldn't talk about something as serious as marriage unless he meant it: I was in a relationship once where the guy told me he thought about what it would be like to marry me. When it ended, I asked him why he said that to me more than once and he said it was just a passing thought and he didn't really think about it all that much. Three weeks later, he texted me and said he loved me and wanted to marry me but he was afraid.
You wrote:
"I didn't take any of that seriously yet, I just wondered why a man would say those things if he didn't really mean or at least think about it."
Well, if you figure out the answer, I think you could make a lot of money ;-)!!! It happens ALL THE TIME. I believe John Gray has something about it in his Mars/Venus on a Date book that was referenced on the other board (and I believe you said you had read or were reading it). I believe the theory is something like, a lot of men will just let themselves get carried away with their excitement but they don't really mean it as something to be relied on...it's just something they are saying in the moment.
Anyway, I hope you get your talk and that it goes how you want it to.
Sheri
Dear girl,
I agree with everybody who has been advising you to decide for YOURSELF what you want to do. It looks to me that you still like that guy and want him back. This is understandable and fine. The thing is, you want something which he doesn't seem to be. Yes, I know, you write that you firmly believe in your heart and soul that he is a decent man who simply seems to be having some hard time in his life, in need of some more time to regroup. I don't think so. I think if he really is having some difficulties he should let you go and not ponder upon his trouble at your expense. This will be the decent man's action you are looking for. A noble man will declare his feelings openly, even if they are not the ones the woman would like to hear right now. He should not keep her egotistically while he is taking his time. I am sorry if I may sound too harsh but a man who is taking that long is, well, not manly to me. This is not to say men don't have hard times.
So, why are you so afraid to pressure him? He is the man after all! Is he made of glass? Will you break his gentle soul? I am sorry, I do not mean to be sarcastic when the situation is serious at your end. But really, what have you got to lose if you confront him about his decision? Maybe you'll lose a guy who is simply not ready to be with you. And why is that bad? Really? Why?
In any case, you will not lose your dignity. To the contrary. I think he is currently losing his. Big time. It is only dignified and normal to set things straight in such situations, not to bypass the woman when you have a chance to speak to her and instead to just leave her with a "You're alright." And, don't apologise for calling. Why do you apologise for "bothering" him? Of course, you will bother him! Bah! I ask again, do you imagine he might be rushed to the EC if you "bother" him? What will happen if you do? How manly is your chosen man? You say he is nice, talking about marriage, his ex treated him badly, etc., etc... So if he truly is that good, he should not budge. He should have the courage to face you straight, face to face.
And one last thing, don't explain yourself. Say what you have to say but don't explain or seek justification for how you feel or what you think or what you've thought in the meanwhile. Why do that? Everything you've posted during all this time is absolutely normal and I have to say I have gone through exactly the same. So why explain? He is the one who has to do some explanation.
Be of good courage and if he really is a man for you, he will be of good courage too.
Hey
Im usually not one to give advice, but I had to put my 2 cents in on this one. I think you should just let it go. Stop obsessing over every little thing he says and does (or not says/does). You are overanalyzing waaay too much. If he really wanted to be with you, he wouldnt do you like this. If a man is truly interested in you, then he will let ya know, not string you along for weeks and weeks. I think you are grasping at straws here, tryin to give yourself any excuse just to wait a couple of more days to see if he has made up his mind, and when he gives you nothin, you TRY to find somethin just so you wont have to let go. Stop makin excuses for this man. If he was really straddling the fence on this, I think he would at least call to let you know SOMETHING. Not just leave you in the dark on the whole situation. In my opinion NO ANSWER IS YOUR ANSWER. Move on, and if and when he decides he wants to be with you, then it will be YOUR decision to take him back. You seem like a wonderful person who deserves much more than this. He may be a good guy, just not good for you. Remember, the minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get less than what you settled for. Keep us posted!
TODAY IS A GOOD DAY! Actually, it’s the best day I’ve had since all of this started. Why? Because I saw him three times today. He couldn’t have been any nicer. He was smiling and making jokes (our inside jokes, I might add). Anyways, I’ll try to make all this as short as possible.
Like I said, I am house sitting five condos up from his, and I’ve been doing really good at fighting the urge to spy. When I left for work this morning, I noticed that his car was already gone, so I knew that he had seen mine b/c it stands out. Well, I had to run home about 11:00 to pick up something and my mom called shortly after and said that he had come to pick my car up. I had no idea he was coming to get it then. He had mentioned it to my mom last week, but I assumed he would “forget” or at least call before he came like he usually does. Mom told him I ran home for a minute but we could bring it when I got back. He said he would just wait for me. He was sitting there when I walked in and he smiled as soon he saw me. We walked outside so I could show him what needed to be fixed. He said he would get it back to me ASAP b/c he knows how I like to leave work at like 1:00. (One of our jokes – I actually don’t usually get off until 3 or 4, but he always made fun of me b/c he says I never work and still get paid).
Ok, so he brings it back as soon as I get back from lunch. He was saying stuff like “Was that fast enough for you?” We all talked for a few minutes and then walked back outside to look at the car. My mom was out there at first, but she went inside trying to give us the opportunity to talk. We did a couple more things to the car and we were friendly with each other. We got done and I told him thanks and I walked to the door and he said “Cya.” When I got back inside I just started balling b/c I couldn’t believe that I had let the opportunity pass to say something. I just couldn’t get up the courage.
About 30 minutes later, I realized that I forgot to pay him for getting the car fixed. I didn’t think about it b/c I usually pay when I pick it up or he brings the bill with him when he comes. So, I called him back and said I completely forgot to give him any money. He said for me just to run it over there and page him when I got there. When I got there and handed him the money, I apologized for forgetting to even ask what I owed. He said that was ok, he would’ve taken care of it but he only had a couple dollars.
He then walked with me out to my car. I asked him how his daughter and parents were. He told me he had heard about my brother and how great he did in his baseball tournament. I got ready to leave and he said “I’ll come and pick your car up again when they have time to get to the tires. Holler at me if you need anything else.” I said ok and thanks and all of that.
Then I said “I know you have your daughter all of this week, but when you get some time there are things that I need to tell you.”
He said, “Does that mean I’m in trouble?”
I said, “No, they’re good things, but just things I think you should know.”
He said, “Ok. I’ll holler at you.”
Maybe I’m getting a little too excited, but at least now we have seen each other, the tension has eased, and I have made it clear that I want to talk to him. I also find it odd that his attitude is so much different than it was Monday. He was kind of short and talked only business then. Today he seemed to smile all the time and was a lot more relaxed. I don’t know if maybe he expected me to go off and be mad and now that he sees that I am not going to do that, he is open for conversation.
::I think if he really is having some difficulties he should let you go and not ponder upon his trouble at your expense. This will be the decent man's action you are looking for. A noble man will declare his feelings openly, even if they are not the ones the woman would like to hear right now. He should not keep her egotistically while he is taking his time.::
See, that's the thing that bugs me too. He's taking all the time he needs, concentrating on what he wants, all the while thinking nothing of the fact that he's left someone hanging with his (apparent) indecision.
He doesn't have to make a decision because what he's doing is not bothering him. The OP is waiting on him to make a decision that quite possibly, he doesn't realise he still has to make. One of them has to do something to change the status quo. He appears not to have an issue with the way things are.
The OP does and she has three options. 1. Do nothing and the situation will remain the same. 2. TELL HIM that she needs a definite decision from him whether they're going to be together or not. 3. TELL HIM she's had enough of waiting for him to make a decision and that she's made the decision to move on.
I think it's disrespectful of him to have not given her a firm indication by now of where he/she/they stand. But she's currently choosing to accept that...and she can't be frustrated with a person for not doing what she wants when she hasn't distinctly told him what she wants from him - an answer.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. I'd be picking #3.
I agree with Sheri about the red flag and the "future" plans that this man is making. It IS a red flag. You should read "He's Scared, She's Scared." That book talks a LOT about these kind of men. They do this a lot. It's not you, it's them. They have a fantasy about what a relationship is, and when it fails to live up to that fantasy, they disappear (exactly what Sheri said). This happened to me before...after 3 months.
You need to move on. You don't need him for "closure." I swear you'll be over this soon...and when you meet a man who doesn't do this, you'll wonder why you wasted so much time and effort on this one.
Good luck!!!
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