What Does This Mean? Are We Through?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
What Does This Mean? Are We Through?
70
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 5:21pm

The last time I posted I was in a bit of a sticky situation with someone who I finally realized was never going to commit to anything more than friendship, so I finally decided to move on.

About 2 months ago I started dating someone new (we actually started talking about 3 months ago). I've known this man for about 5 years as a family acquaintance, but he just divorced about 8 months ago. He is a few years older than me and has a toddler.

Everything has been close to perfect since we started dating. He treats me like a queen and I'm crazy about him. Everything just seemed to fall into place with our families, etc. I love his parents and have spent time with them and his child many times over the past few weeks. He says he feels the same about my family. He was pretty good friends with my mom before we started dating.

Then, everything changed this past weekend. I saw him on Friday but when I hadn't heard from him by Sunday night I tried to call him and got no answer. I left a message and tried again all day Monday, but never got a call back, which is really unusual. I finally visited him at work on Tuesday and he immediately started explaining. He said that he wasn't ignoring me but he's just trying to slow down. He said he has a lot of stuff going on right now and he needs to think some things over and get his head on straight. He never said the words "break-up," he just said he'll give me a call when he gets some things straightened out. I was really upset, but I didn't let him see that. He hugged me and said he would call me.

My mom talked to him later that night (they talk on a regular basis) and he told her he just needed a couple of weeks to regroup. He said things had been moving really fast and he had so much going on right now. He told her I was " a good girl and he wanted to right by me." She evidently asked him if it was the end of us and he told her no, he's not going anywhere and that everything would be fine.

So, I guess my question is - do I believe the stuff he told my mom? I have no problem giving time to figure things out, but I don't want to sit around waiting on him for two months when he's only going to break up with me then. He knows a lot of my family and sees them on a regular basis, so I don't he would have even risked dating me if was going to be a jerk about anything.

My gut tells me that things were just moving too fast and with him being divorced less than a year, he doesn't want to jump too deep into anything yet.

What do you all think?! Are we still together and taking a break? Or is this his way of dumping me without being to harsh?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 11:42pm

I agree that if he doesn't give me a clear answer I need to get a move on. But, what am I to think about what happened the other day - the sudden friendliness and joking (read post 49, I think it is)? Why did he say "Am I in trouble?" when I told him we needed to talk? He would say this to me when we were dating and I was quiet or he thought I was mad at him or something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 3:37pm

I've been following this thread with interest as it is very similar to an incident I had happen a few years back. Unfortunately, all the advice here stating that he's not thinking about your needs and he probably doesn't want you is in my experience, right on.


I know you were excited to see him, but why? Because he was friendly. He didn't call you back after you had asked to speak to him... he's avoiding that discussion like the plague. He's stringing you along and you're allowing it.


I want to know something... in any of this, have you stopped yourself and asked why you keep holding on? You said that you didn't take his future talk seriously but you did, otherwise you wouldn't be waiting and hoping after a month. This man has abandoned you for a month. Has he called to ask how you are? Has he worried about you? Talk is cheap luv... look at his actions and only his actions.


Tell me why you are holding on... why are you running after someone who is not giving you the same level of attention?


If people can walk away from you, then let them walk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 5:02pm

Ok, why was I excited to see him? Because I like him, I miss him and hadn't seen him in a month. He acted like it was old times and I miss that. True, he hasn't called me back yet, but like I said, he has his daughter this week and they are staying at his parents house. I doubt he has time alone to call me. I don't expect him to call until next week and I told him that.

Why am I holding on? Because I like him and I miss him. When we were together, I was happier than I had been in a really long time. No, he hasn't called ME to ask how I am, but he has asked my mom (and yes, he brought it up, not her). I know he has done wrong, but I am willing to wait until I at least talk everything over with him. Then, I will move on if he can't give me an answer.

I just found out today that he told my mom that the problem is that everything was perfect between us and too good to be true. Even, if we don't get back together I'm glad that is the problem and not something I did or didn't do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 5:38pm
the more time you give him, the easiest it will become. It's not a prison sentence but a chance to take charge of your life.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 4:57am

Aaarrrggh!

::I just found out today that he told my mom that the problem is that everything was perfect between us and too good to be true.::

Here's the thing! He's 100% capable of telling your mum, but he can't tell YOU? Surely you can see the problem with that? Sorry. He's had time to tell your mum, so there's no excuse for him not to have time for you. Besides, if he's so scared about having a good relationship, he's probably nowhere near being READY to have a relationship.

You like him, but you can't possibly *miss* him, because you're still seeing him around. You miss what you HAD with him.

I reiterate what I said previously - tell him you need a definite answer now, or tell him you've wasted enough time waiting and you're moving on. Take back your power. You shouldn't spend your time waiting for someone who's clearly not able/ready to give you what you need.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 10:19am

I think this has gone on long enough, hon. You're hanging on to someone who isn't putting a fraction of the thought or effort into you that you are putting into him. He hasn't called you... he didn't call you on your birthday... he hasn't tried to talk to you about getting back together, at all. He said some sweet things to you in the beginning... (I wish I had a dollar for every man who did that!) But a man's feelings often change after the newness wears off and reality sets in. Nine times out of 10 a man will never say: "I changed my mind" in words. He just fades away.

Now you're happy because he was friendly toward you the other day. Why shouldn't he be pleasant toward you? It would be very difficult for him to ignore you or be rude toward you when you come into his shop all the time as a customer... and because your mother is his coworker. None of this indicates that he wants a relationship with you. The only reason to believe he wants to get back together is if he tells you so.

I don't mean to sound harsh or unsympathetic, but I just feel bad for you that you've been stringing YOURSELF along like this for weeks.

I understand it's not easy to give up when you don't understand why the feelings changed. But there's usually no answer to this. Sometimes early attraction just fizzles out.

There's nothing I or anyone can say to make you believe you're wasting your time and emotions by waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you think you're happier hanging on and living in limbo like this, it is your life. But I can tell you from experience that there is more power, satisfaction and relief in LETTING GO. And from everything you have written, this guy has been trying to tell you through his actions to let him go...

Please give yourself a break and move on. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 9:27pm

Does anyone have any input on why his attitude suddenly changed? Why did he ask me if he was in trouble?

I've been playing that whole conversation over and over in my head all weekend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 9:34pm

Hon, does it matter? You're allowing yourself to be strung along. Guys don't want to be the bad guys. And he knows he is in the wrong right now. And rather than being a man and saying "I don't want to be with you" he's playing this wussy game.


Aren't you angry at this point? I wish I could help you see this for what it is, I really do. But he is showing no respect for you. None. Do you really want to continue to be treated like that?


I don't

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 10:04pm

The reasons why it matters to me (other than the fact I really like/maybe love him):

1. My last relationship lasted two years and marriage was in the talks. I got over that ending in less than time than I have dealt with this. To me, that means that there is something more this time.

2. I will see him and his family. He will see me and mine. I KNOW that some sort of an ending (good or bad) has to be put on this situation unless the both of us want to be reminded of this forever.

Maybe he doesn't want to be with me (although his actions never suggested otherwise), but he IS going to tell me that. I won't settle for anything less.

Besides, we still have each other's stuff and he has never mentioned returning it yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 10:23pm

Hon, do you see how much power you're giving him? He hasn't asked for the stuff, he hasn't said it's over...


I understand what you're talking about in your first point. I went through that with a guy as well. My divorce was easier than it was to break up with him and move on. And you know what happened? I was in a vicious cycle for about 3 years with my friends giving me the same advice over and over and me thinking that it was different. And it wasn't. What was different is the guy didn't have enough gumption to tell me it was over.


I fear you're going down the same path. But I do understand sometimes we all need to learn our own lessons. I just wish I could save you from the pain...


Kerry

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