What Does This Mean? Are We Through?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
What Does This Mean? Are We Through?
70
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 5:21pm

The last time I posted I was in a bit of a sticky situation with someone who I finally realized was never going to commit to anything more than friendship, so I finally decided to move on.

About 2 months ago I started dating someone new (we actually started talking about 3 months ago). I've known this man for about 5 years as a family acquaintance, but he just divorced about 8 months ago. He is a few years older than me and has a toddler.

Everything has been close to perfect since we started dating. He treats me like a queen and I'm crazy about him. Everything just seemed to fall into place with our families, etc. I love his parents and have spent time with them and his child many times over the past few weeks. He says he feels the same about my family. He was pretty good friends with my mom before we started dating.

Then, everything changed this past weekend. I saw him on Friday but when I hadn't heard from him by Sunday night I tried to call him and got no answer. I left a message and tried again all day Monday, but never got a call back, which is really unusual. I finally visited him at work on Tuesday and he immediately started explaining. He said that he wasn't ignoring me but he's just trying to slow down. He said he has a lot of stuff going on right now and he needs to think some things over and get his head on straight. He never said the words "break-up," he just said he'll give me a call when he gets some things straightened out. I was really upset, but I didn't let him see that. He hugged me and said he would call me.

My mom talked to him later that night (they talk on a regular basis) and he told her he just needed a couple of weeks to regroup. He said things had been moving really fast and he had so much going on right now. He told her I was " a good girl and he wanted to right by me." She evidently asked him if it was the end of us and he told her no, he's not going anywhere and that everything would be fine.

So, I guess my question is - do I believe the stuff he told my mom? I have no problem giving time to figure things out, but I don't want to sit around waiting on him for two months when he's only going to break up with me then. He knows a lot of my family and sees them on a regular basis, so I don't he would have even risked dating me if was going to be a jerk about anything.

My gut tells me that things were just moving too fast and with him being divorced less than a year, he doesn't want to jump too deep into anything yet.

What do you all think?! Are we still together and taking a break? Or is this his way of dumping me without being to harsh?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 10:25pm

I want you to do me a favor... the next time you see him, walk right up to him and ask bluntly "Do you want to be with me or not?" Would you do that for me? Because that will give you the answer you need...


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:03am

Yes, that's what I would advise you too. Go up to him and ask. Just throw the glove to him. If he is really the man you want, he'll take the 'challenge' (if this can be referred to as 'challenge' because really this situation could have been settled a long time ago if the guy had a little more dignity and sensibility).

What have you got to lose, dear girl? Really? Have you ever sat back to ponder upon that question? And what have you got to gain? Maybe it will feel a little hard at the beginning but I firmly support everyone who tells you to let go. Letting go of the unsatisfactory elements in our life makes space for more fun, satisfaction and well-being. Guaranteed.

Drop the question. Don't be patient, don't be sympathetic to his delicate situation and his feelings and his need to sort things out. Enough is enough. Or maybe you think (somewhere deep inside) that for one reason or another you deserve any less? There is no need for that. You wonder what the real reason is and why he stopped the romance you had so suddenly... To think that is absolutely normal. I would feel the same in such a situation. The answer, however, is really unimportant as it proves nothing.

So, take the lead in this game of two. Real men appreciate real women who take a stand. Take the lead. Let him know he IS in trouble.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:25am

Really? You think that a guy would would keep a woman in limbo for over a month would actually be *honest* with her when she asks that question? I sure don't. I think she'll get a "stringing along" answer and it will be up to HER to end things because she doesn't want to be strung along any more.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 12:04pm
Now where did I say he's gonna be honest Sheri? LOL. No, I honestly think that the OP is afraid of the answer/reaction and that's why she's avoiding the question. I think if she asks it, she'll hopefully get the real vibe of what's going on. Granted, he may just try to keep her in limbo but I'm hoping that something won't read right from his reaction.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 1:24pm

Ok, just wanted to clarify!

I still think that she should make the decision to end it on her own rather than giving him the control, however. I'm afraid for her that if she asks, he'll give her enough hope that she'll keep hanging on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 2:02pm

He is trying to assuage his guilt. He knows you're angry (upset, devastated, etc.), so his saying "am I in trouble?" is showing that he's trying to be friendly about the "situation."

That's it.

There's absolutely nothing more to it.

Everyone who's written about this is right. He's not into you anymore. He once was, yes, but not anymore. This happens ALL the time. To all of us. It happened to me, and the sooner you allow yourself to get past this, the better off you'll be.

When a man is interested, he shows you. He does. Trust me.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 2:05pm

By the way, my ex "vanished" on me over 4 years ago.

I've yet to receive my keys or my suitcase that he borrowed.

Some men do this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 2:08pm

Yeah, I'm with you--I think he has entirely too much control. (And to the original poster, I don't mean to be speaking as if you're not here. Since Sheri addressed me directly I'm just corresponding with her, but if you have anything to add please feel free to jump in.) I guess the thing is I see a lot of my old situation (don't know if you remember it Sheri) in this one. And I never had asked the guy directly. I spent 3 years not asking him and let myself hold on all that time. But when I finally did ask, it was liberating because though he had said "yes I do want to be with you..." he also had all these but's and fidgeted and I just got the sense that it was total BS.


It really comes down to if

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 2:11pm
I hope you changed your locks?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 2:25pm
Lol, well, I moved, so yes. Essentially they're changed. =)

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