What does "Taking time..." mean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
What does "Taking time..." mean?
10
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 4:21pm

Hi,

I've been dating this wonderful woman for about a month now, and we have a great time together. We met on an online dating site, and the other day I mentioned that my account expired, and she proceeded to tell me that she was thinking about cancelling hers because she figured out that she's kind of a person who has success with dating someone she's been friends with, but she told me that she was glad she met me. Later she told me "it takes a while" for her until she can be in it whole-heartedly, and if I am okay with that, she would still like to get to know me better. She added she doesn't know exactly how long is "a while", but she wants to spend time with me. She also said she isn't dating anyone else.

So I'm wondering what is "taking time" in this context-- dating? Being exclusive? Becoming physically intimate? I think she is interested in me still-- Is it that she likes to get to know her love interest before committing?

Any insight would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,

Daikon

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 4:32pm
What I got from what you posted is that the time she is currently spending with you is a "getting to know you" time - not dating/but dating. You might be right, she may just like to get to know her love interest before committing. If you are taking her out on dates there is nothing wrong with approaching the subject of what does "taking time" mean. Ask her the questions you asked us in your last paragraph. You have a right to know if she will be intimate with other men while she is being intimate with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 7:04pm

I'm one of those people who is better off dating someone they've been friends with (which is why online dating was such a disaster! lol). I don't know how to explain it. I guess it's a trust and familiarity thing. I'm just not as comfortable with people I've just met (inherently shy).

I've been with my BF for just over a year, but we spent 10 months as coworkers with adjacent cubicles. By the time we started dating, we already had a history together because we also hung out quite a bit and were friends. When we started dating, it was like an extension of our friendship.

Imma think about this and come back with a better explanation...

hang in there!

TB

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 2:46am

My take on it is that she's somewhat ambivalent about you, but she hasn't made up her mind one way or the other yet, so she'd like to continue to date you until she's more sure about whether you're a good fit for her.

And yes, it sounds to me like she's letting you know being exclusive or getting physical with you is not in the immediate future.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 12:00am

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts.

I did speak about it with her this evening, and it sounds more like what Sheri said, though my feeling is that she is a very deliberate, careful type and it takes a while for her to get attached to someone. She said she doesn't see any red flags with us so far, but it takes a long time for her to trust someone.

She did say that she only dates one at a time (and I told her the same) so in terms of the level of commitment that I am seeking from her now, it's all I expect! We agreed that we are on the same page.

I got the feeling from our conversation that her definition of "exclusivity" is much different than mine-- she mentioned "life commitment" when we were talking about exclusivity, so I think she thought I was asking for a lot more! So I am glad that we were able to clarify that.

We did promise to be honest with each other (i.e. if either one wants something/someone else, then we speak up but that's how breakups happen anyhow?) which is all I can ask (and expect) at this moment.

Though I do wonder, how long typically is a long time? It doesn't seem to be measured in years, but...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 12:10pm
If a guy told me that he was ambivalent about me, then I wouldn't take it any further. It is one thing to get to know someone it is another thing to drag things out painfully slow so that the other party is anxious about every move you make. This sounds like torture to me. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 3:27pm
You need to ask her to clarify - taking time for certain things means different things to different people
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 10:34am

Actually, I did! We had a nice talk a week ago and I asked what she meant by it (i.e. taking time in dating, getting attached, getting intimate, etc.) She said all of the above. She volunteered to say that she isn't seeing anyone else and that she is kind of a person she prefers dating one-at-a-time. I guess she's just a slow and steady person. She also did say that she isn't trying to play games, and she's being as honest as she can. I think that's all I will know for at this point, so I'm going to just calm down and enjoy the process, until something changes in the relationship that needs further clarification, perhaps a few month from now?

Thanks for all your help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 10:49pm

It sounds like she's saying exactly what she means. She wants to get to know you better, making sure you are a good match, and wanting to see the potential for something long term before committing to exclusivity.

At least, that's what "taking things slow" means to me. It also commonly translates to: "I'm not getting in bed with you right away". Smart move on her part- there's much to be said about enjoying a little old fashioned courtship. Sadly, it just isn't something you see very often anymore...

Yes. It does sound like she's genuinely interested in you. And isn't it flattering she wants to discover who you are? Enjoy it :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 3:17pm

I think you are absolutely right on with what's going on. And since that conversation, I feel much more relaxed around her, and she seems comfortable around me, and in fact, she feels a lot closer (and tender) to me than before. And it's doesn't feel like she's pulling back; Quite the opposite, I feel like she's giving me positive reinforcements that she wants to spend more time and get to know me more each time.

The thing is, I actually am enjoying this slow, deliberate tempo. I'm getting to know her as a person if she's someone that *I* want to be with. I think the difference between now and before (being worried vs being a lot more confident) is that she's giving me positive reinforcements each time. No mixed messages.

Thanks for giving me your point of view-- I do feel flattered to think that she's interested to get to know me as a person. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 3:27pm
Yes, you absolutely have a right to know.
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