What is a girl to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2003
What is a girl to do?
11
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 2:02pm

I met up with this wonderful guy about a month ago. I having been knowing him and his parents for about 3 years or so but he was in a serious relationship with someone for about 8 years. They broke up about 6 months ago. I am 30 and have a 10 year old daughter and he is 25 with no children. Recently we started dating and it got very serious really fast. He told me he loves me and my daughter and that he wants to make us happy.

Last night after spending the whole weekend together again he told me that he thinks we are moving too fast and that he doesn't want to hurt me and he doesn't want me to hurt him. He said he loves me and he wants to have a serious relationship with me but he is not sure he is ready for a commitment. I am really confused on how to take that. What does it mean? Does it mean we are still in a relationship together but we need to slow down or is this his way of saying that it is over? I really want this to work out because he is awesome. He treats me and my daughter like queens and I appreciate him like no other man.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 2:54am

mlvincent26...

This is a simple one....at least for Pianoguy.

The man is saying S-L-O-W-D-O-W-N! This doesn't mean he's losing his interest in you or your daughter. But probably thinks the pace of your relationship is moving a little too quickly?

So why not distance yourself temporarily?

It's amazing how quickly we'll respond (or at least make contact) when a woman appears to be losing her interest in us!

Personally...I think your expectations about 'commitment' after only dating this man for a month aren't very realistic! Give your relationship more time to GROW!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 12:17pm

Hello,

He may be feeling overwhelmed. I'm sure he cares about you and your daughter very much, so maybe he is overwhelmed at the responsibility that comes with a family. If you haven't talked about his role in the family so that he is clear on what is and isnt his domain. For example, disciplinary, is he daddy or mom's boyfriend? ( that can really make a difference in the way him and your child intereact and his level of comfort). These are just a couple of things. Find out where he feels the pressure is coming from and let him know that you want to try to alleviate it so that you can continue your great relationship.

Olivia_888

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2003
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 1:10pm
I know he wants to slow down and that is what I want too. I just can't get my mind to catch up to the fact. When he doesn't answer the phone or my texts when he is at work I always think there is something wrong. I would like to distance myself temperarily but I don't know how. I really feel a strong connection with him and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize but I find myself being codependent and I fear that I might be pushing away. Any advice on what to do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2003
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 1:11pm
Well we have only been dating for about a month so we didn't really discuss his role. He and my daughter got close really fast and that might not have been the best thing to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 1:39pm

I missed the 1 month part. I hate to say it but it may be best look elsewhere if taking to him about his role doesnt work. There is good news though, if he's really into you, after you guys chat about his role he will be able to relax and continue on. If there is still hesistation, keep your heart open to others and let him decide if he wants this relationship with you.

I hope this helps and that it works out for you!

Olivia_888

PS-I could use your advice about my post called : Should I tell him how I feel?

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 4:38pm

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Stop texting and calling him. That's how. Keep yourself busy with other things and let him come to you.

If he wants to end the relationship, panicking is NOT going to change anything. It'll just push him further.

If you truly feel codependent, maybe you want to look into that and fix it - FOR YOU and your daughter - not to hold on to this relationship. If you are not healthy, there's no way you can enter into a healthy relationship.

The flip side of this is that 6 months out of an 8-year relationship may have been too soon for him to get involved. This is evidenced by him telling you he loves you after only dating one month. It doesn't matter he's known you for 3 years. You have only been romantically involved for one month and that is far too soon for him to know if he truly LOVES you. Sometimes, when we're on the rebound, we rush into the next good thing we see, get caught up in the infatuation without dealing with out past hurts. Then when the infatuation starts to fizzle (and it ALWAYS will) he's left with his loss of the 8-year relationship to deal with.

Definitely back off and stop calling and texting. If it's 'meant to be' now, it'll be 'meant to be' in time when he works out what he needs to work out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 7:57pm

For sure I'd stop texting and calling; ESPECIALLY at work! He is there to work, not to socialize. If he wants to slow things down, then find something else to occupy your time and slow down on the seeing/communicating. Go on lunch dates with girlfriends/other moms. Take your kid out and do some fun free stuff you find in the newspaper (a friend and I were just noticing how much free stuff there is to do in town if you have a kid). Not only will it give the two of you some time to think, it will give you time to pursue your interests, which will only give you more to talk about when you ARE together, which will make you guys all that much more interesting to each other.
***If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)***
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 5:41am

mlvincent26...

You asked PG for a few suggestions...so here they come.

1. Resist the temptation to call him
2. Channel your energy in other directions.
3. Don't automatically change previous plans in the event he comes up with a "dating suggestion" or "get together idea" unless his idea sounds like something you'd enjoy doing more than what you've already planned.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 8:41am

Yesterday afternoon I did stop texting and calling and when I got off of work and he got home he did call me and it gave me this feeling that everything is going to be okay.

I did got to Barnes and Noble and got the book "Codependent No More". Awesome book. I am currently reading it and realizing that I do have a problem with this and that I can get through this. I just have to take it one day at a time.

I really want to thank you so much for your advice because I value the information I receive. It is nice to know that there is always someone here willing to give a helping hand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 9:11am

You know what you are right because I tried it yesterday afternoon and it did work. I did not call or text and he called. I just didn't give him enough time before I was jumping to conclusions about why he didn't respond or call. He is at work and I know he is busy.

My little one is going to her father's this weekend so I will be able to do some soul searching and really think about what I want and how to go about getting it.

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