what is going on? Please Advise!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
what is going on? Please Advise!!!!!
6
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 1:17pm
Need some advice please. I have been in a relationship for 4 months. The guy lives about 45 to 60 minutes away. We met online and the first couple of times we met he drove to my town, but once I drove to his house...now I always go there. He says he can't come to my town because he works two jobs and doesn't have time, and for the most part I understand that, and don't mind usually going to see him. But recently we didn't see each other for 3 weeks because I wasn't able to make it there for various reasons and he wouldn't come here. Normally I would accept his excuses of working, but for instance, he said he had a training class coming up but if I could come up on that Wed he would tell them he couldn't make it and would reschedule. Well, I wasn't able to make it and I called him and said why don't you come here instead, he said, "oh, well, I don't know for sure about my training yet and I have a couple of other phone calls to make." However, if i had gone there...everything would have been fine. I don't get it. And I have mentioned it but everytime I do he is able to dismiss it with work and being tired excuses. Please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 4:44pm
The situation is comfy for him. He gests to see you, in his town, and at his own convenience. He expects you to come there now, all the time, no matter what. If you can't come then he doesn't make the effort....bad sign. The Wednesday class training was just an excuse, because if he really wanted to see you he'd have cancelled it with the same excuse he'd have given his boss if you traveled to see him...see? It's just convenient for him to have you do all the road work...do you get reimbursed for that? I know you say you don't mind, BUT deep inside you do because he's NOT making any effort to see you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 9:10pm
He sounds selfish and lazy and made the grand gestures early on so that you reciprocate. He wants it easy and you deserve better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 10:35am

For the most part, this sounds like straight up selfishness by him. Nonetheless I'd like to take just a minute to play Devil's advocate.

Are your living situations different? Are you living at home with your parents while he's got his own place? If so, he might just feel like the two of you get more out of your time together at his place.

I'm currently seeing a girl who lives in a small appartment with a roommate while I've got my place all to myself. While I'm not quite as stubborn as your guy, I do tend to prefer we hang out at my place because I don't see why we should risk interuption if we don't have to.

If none of the above applies and there aren't any other mitigating circumstances, I'd stop seeing the guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 5:01pm
Well, that point is accurate. My parents are currently living with me due to some health issues and he does live alone. And that makes sense to me and I'll admit I prefer going there for that reason as well. But what bothers me is that we spent three weeks apart instead of him making some effort and coming to see me, even if we did nothing but go grab a bite to eat. We couldn't have really been alone, but I would think he would miss me enough to at least want to see me and spend some time with me, even if it's not "alone" time? What do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 5:47pm

I can see your point. Regardless of the fact that your parents are with you, he could always stop by for a bite to eat or go see a movie, etc. But the situation could still be uncomfortable with him.

I would just ask him and set your mind at ease. If he keeps giving the same old excuses, then maybe it is time to find someone else. Hopefully you guys will come to an agreement.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 11:06pm

Three weeks is definitely pushing it.

I guess to see if it is a comfort/privacy thing you could simply ask him. Nothing too intense or accusatory. Just something like "Is it a little weird for you when we hang out at my place and my parents are around?" The exact wording is totally your call. Whatever you think would work best. If he says it is a factor, offer him some stuff you two could do together that would take you away from your place. Movies, dinner, etc.

If he says it’s not that and defaults back to the work/time excuse, I'd say you're justified to take off the gloves and getting slightly less diplomatic. Point out how it seems odd that he has plenty of time to hang out with you when you visit him, yet this time miraculously evaporates into the heavens when you suggest he venture to you.

Good Luck.