what is this guy's game

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
what is this guy's game
7
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 4:52pm
Hello to all I am in need of some serious advice, opinions or whatever that could make me understand what's really goin on with this guy. I have been dating this guy for about 6 months sometimes the relationship is great but sometiomes it's just not great at all. the main probelm is with him. For whatever strange reason he takes days before he returns my calls. I am confused by the fact that when we spent time together it's always a joy. we have fun together he admitted in having with me. but when he leaves I could never get a hold of him so easily I call and he doesn't pick up days later. and when he does it's always a brief moment. because of this the relationship has been strained . i have asked why he doesn't return my calls and he blames it on working. I have ask him if he had another woman and he said no. I am really confuse. I thought of breaking up with him completly but it never went through. my question is if he doesn't want to continue our relationship why doesn't he just say it or if he does why is he doing this? he says he has a wonderful time with me he is always interested in my days or what i'm up to. last week i was sick and didn't go to work and he came to my house and brought me soup. and again he said everytime he spent with me is wonderful so if it was so wonderful why can't he pick up his phone. I have been trying to get a hold of him from that last visit which is 5 days now. I just need any advice on this guy behaviour
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 5:14pm
This guy's game is only as good as you allow it to be and right now you're allowing a full court, anything goes game.

Basically it comes down to you--it's been months, he's shown you what you're going to get. He's not going to change. I'm sure he enjoys his time with you and he has a great time. The real question is this: Do you want to be with a man who is unreliable. I know some guys who have no time for something as simple as breathing but when they are with a girl they want to be with, they make the time. Remember people make time for what is important to them. Sounds to me that you're not that high up in his priority list.

My advice? Drop the loser now before your heart gets more involved than it is.

Hope this helps. Keep us posted.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 5:20pm
I think you need to stop calling him and let him do most of the calling. There is no way I would date someone for that long who did not return 99% of my calls within 24 hours or at least send an email or make contact - I would find it rude and thoughtless. He probably knows you'll keep calling and put up with it - as you have many times - so he has no motivation to change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 9:20pm
I agree with Deena. Stop calling him and stop putting up with this behavior. There is no excuse for not returning your phone calls promptly... at least within one day. I also don't know how you have managed to keep seeing him for 6 months when he ignores your calls for days. It's not necessarily a "game", he just takes you for granted.

I think you should immediately start making plans to do things with other people. And the next time he calls, you will politely tell him that you are already busy. And then tell him to check with you later in the week, etc. If he is sincerely interested in you, he will get the message that he needs to be a lot more thoughtful and on-the-ball about getting in touch with you. If he doesn't change his ways, he isn't that concerned about being with you (sorry), no matter how "busy" he claims he is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:43pm
It sounds to me like he doesn't like to talk on the phone. Some people are like that. My questions are: how often are you calling him? how many times a day? do you call every day? Obviously you do talk sometimes because you manage to arrange to see each other. Try just not calling him period and see what happens. Let him pick up the phone to call you. Then I think you will see whether you are truly okay with the way he is. If you can't stand not calling him, dump him and move on.

The other question is whether you feel at this point you are seeing enough of him. If you are seeing each other enough, but just not spending enough quality time on the phone, then decide for yourself if talking on the phone at length is really that important.

Certainly I agree with others that if you call him, he should be returning your calls. But you have already sort of set a precedent that you will call a lot and he will just get back to you when he feels like it. It makes you seem desperate, and him aloof. Maybe he is just being aloof in reaction to your appearing desperate. If you don't act desperate, maybe his actions will change too. Plus you are just torturing yourself by trying so hard to get a hold of him, knowing you won't have any success. Mix it up a little and change things on him by not calling, and realize it may be a sign this guy isn't for you.

But for the record, you can't make someone talk to you on the phone if they don't feel like it. Calling repeatedly isn't going to achieve the result you want. If you must call him, call once and do not call again until he calls you back. But my advice given the situation is so unsatisfactory, is do not dial is number at all any more.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:03am
thanks so much for your input i really appreciate it. at the begining he told me he didn't like talking on the phone but it never bothered me since we used to always be in contact. about a couple of weeks ago we had a disagreement about that he said that maybe he should leave me if i can't be understanding. the following day i left him a message apologizing and he called me about 6 hours later. he said he wasn't leaving me . 2 days later we spent quality time together. what's botheing about this relationship is that it's not consistent one week everything will great we'll be in touch like every day or every other dayand the next week there's rarely any contact. Maybe he has alot going on in his life 2 weeks ago he bought a house and his been going back and forth painting he's planning on moving by end of march. i call him at least once to twice a day. it could be that he 's thinking i will always be there so he doesn't bother to return my calls promptly. one time i didn't call him for 2 whole days and in on the third day he call me and offered to give me a ride to work. Sometimes he makes my mind go crazzy. and another thing he is so jealous he is always worried if i'm with someone esle. then I'm like i've been calling you how can i be with someone else. thanks alot foryour thoughts
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:24am
at the beginnig of the relationship he made time for me we went out like every week he would pick me up right after work and we will hang out untill late night. the last time we out together was january when i met his brother. maybe he's getting comortable with me and he doesn't feel a need to take me out. when we used to go out and didn't engaged in any sexual contact he would say that's good because we are getting comfortable with each other. I've tried to talk to him about that and he said that he should start doing more things with me so that i won't complain. there was a little progress but that went back to zero. I don't know what to make of it and even if i don't hear from him sometimes i feel secure and when i think of him i smile. the chemistry is there the potential for something deeper is there but there 's so much that's not right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:48am
The last time you went out was JANUARY??? It's almost the middle of March. I think it's time for you to move on, hon. You're spending way too much time worrying about a man who totally seems to have put you on the back burner.

FORGET about how it was in the beginning! That almost doesn't count because people usually have the most fun in the first couple of months of dating someone... when it is new and exciting. The relationship either grows stronger from there or it dies off. It takes TWO to make it grow.