What happend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
What happend?
1
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 4:19pm
This problem has been resolved


Edited 8/22/2007 12:50 pm ET by tuffnsweet
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: tuffnsweet
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 8:17pm

What lie did you confess to? Whatever this lie was obviously changed his mind about you. You say you have a history of lying. Is this with him or with everyone and did he know about it when you were very young or when you reconciled? People who have a history of lying are generally not trustworthy and are usually self serving, sorry. I couldn't tolerate a person who lied all the time because then what you have with them is never real. The part about wanting to get into it for fun...well...that is usually how things start so I dont know why that would be a big deal to him unless he was in love with you from the very start and you took advantage of that.

I dont know why he would want to be in touch with you if he said he doesn't love you anymore and doesnt want to see you again. He is sending you mixed messages by behaving this way.

"How do you cope when he doesn't belive love is strong enough to get past this even though he just spent the last three months convincing me to commit because love can conquer all?"
---> love doesn't conquer all, so he is misguided. No love is unconditional. We all love those who treat us with respect and kindness and exchange in give and take. When all of that goes away, or if the other becomes abusive, we stop loving that person.

"Testing" is a very condescending way of treating someone. It assumes you are superior. All of us test people from time to time and frankly it is very annoying. Eventually you feel as though you are living in a testtube. It seems to be the rage these days to test people constantly and I am living proof of that. If I have to live a life with a guy who needs to test me all the time, then I would kick his butt out of my life. It is a very paranoid way of living - doctors do it all the time. If you have to live that way, then why bother living at all?

In the very distant past, when I caught myself doing it to someone, I felt relieved if they "passed" - which reassured me that they wont hurt me too bad - otherwise why bother testing..right?, but then I felt dishonest...not lying...because I didnt lie when I tested, but because how I am I to build a real relationship if it is based on tests or tricks. So then I had to wonder if I really wanted a relationship because if I am that scared that I have to test someone then maybe either the person or a relationship was not for me. So I decided to stop testing and just pay attention to someone's words and actions and hope that I can judge his character by just observing and paying attention to my gut.

If the lie was about the pregnancy test...and it was the only time you ever lied to him because you were scared and needed to see if he would love you no matter what...then maybe he'll come around. Partly because it was a desperate act by you, sorry again, I dont mean to upset you. Lying about pregnancy is a big deal to guys. Can you give up the lying if it means you wont have a good relationship? Or are you compulsive about it?

I dont know how to tell you to cope except to accept the fact that the relationship is over and you should probably stop communicating with him if it is hurting you.




Edited 8/21/2007 8:25 pm ET by snafu2006