What Happened??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2005
What Happened??
2
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 3:18pm

I had been seeing someone since March, he is a longtime friend and co-worker who is seperated (for 3yrs) and is primary caregiver to his 3yr old child. No one at work knew, we knew that they might find out we just didn't want to be the ones to bring it to the workplace.
We dated in 04 for 4 months, he became detached and handled things cruelly when he broke it off with me 1 month before Christmas, saying that he wasn't ready for a relationship. It really hurt but over time we slavaged the friendship. Then in March he told me that he really liked being with me, talking to me, laughing with me and he really missed me, he wanted a second chance. I took him back and told him that he needs to tell me if it isn't working out for him. I wanted him to be honest with me before things got really bad.

Things were great until November when he started acting strange and pulling away again.
He would never give me a straight answer when I asked about it. A co-worker was trying to set him up with a single mom from another department. We joked about it a bit and he played along but I wasn't happy about it. I even ran into her and she mentioned having spoken with my boyfriend, she blushed - I knew she had a thing for him.
He continued to be detached. I would go over there and other than a little bit of flirting and sex, he wasn't cuddling or talking things over with me (same as the last time we dated at this time of the year). My sister told me that he tracked her down to talk about buying me a gift 5 days before Christmas. So I thought maybe he was stressed about the holidays.
He told me he was troubled and I tried to talk to him, for two days I couldn't get a hold of him or it wasn't convenient for us to talk (at work). One night I tried for 2 hours but his line was busy. One day he told me his res phone died and he couldn't call back and the next day he told me his cell phone died and he didn't get my voicemail.
He called on the morning of Christmas Eve and said that he had been a very bad, bad person. I asked why, he said that he was interested in someone else. I knew it was the single mom. Apparently, for about a week he had been exchanging e-mails and phonecalls with her. He feels this connection with her that he can't explain and he wants to pursue it. He said that we have been really good friends for a very longtime and he wanted to keep the friendship but end the physical part of our relationship - EXCUSE ME!I asked if she knew he had a girlfriend he said no but that he was going to tell her so the he can be honest with her from the start - how considerate of him! The night I couldn't get through for 2 hours, he was on the phone with her. He even e-mailed her while I was at his place playing with his child in another room! But he insisted that nothing happened between them yet. Am I wrong or doesn't the simple fact that he was contacting her with intentions of seeing where it would go and being deceptive constitute cheating, even on an emotional level? It does to me!! If it wasn't a betrayal he wouldn't have had to lie or hide things from either one of us. While he was talking to me, he seemed flippant, same as he did in the 1st break-up.
I am so heartbroken, I knew he had issues but I didn't think he would do something like this. If things weren't good for him he should have told me before he started up with this other woman, we could have maybe stayed friends. I have become so attached to his child and I am going to miss the them both (at least the person that I thought he was). How does someone throw all of what we had away based on knowing someone for only a week? We have alot of history and it all seems like it meant nothing to him! I don't recognize him, what makes him behave this way?
I never got a chance to say my piece so I wrote him a letter telling him what I think of him and his behaviour and that we will never be friends. I don't need or want friends like him. I despise liars and cheats!
What happened??? Who breaks up with someone on Christmas Eve, didn't he know earlier that he wanted out? Do you have any advise on how to move on from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: p1ssed
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 3:33pm

The good news is that nobody knows about your relationship so you should be able to save face at your job. This guy already pulled away from you once, it is probably his MO. Yes, he was cheating but there is nothing you can do about it.

Let him go, he'll do the same thing to the next woman he dates. Do not waste your time being "friends" with this guy, he doesn't deserve your friendship (nor do you want to run the risk of him begging you back while he dates this new lady) Next time when a man pulls away, let him go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
In reply to: p1ssed
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 4:04pm
This guy sounds unreliable and immature. Now he is this other woman's problem.

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