What happened?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
What happened?
7
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 12:31pm
I have been dating a great guy for a few months.

Seeing each other every weekend, starting on Sat. with museums to dinner to concerts to after concert dinners to brunch the following am. He has taken me back to his old neighborhood and met people in his life,(although not family)

He has been very intimate both emotionally and physically.

Using pet names etc. very kind and considerate of my feelings.

I am typically very cautious in a relationship initially because of the rejection factor and getting hurt.

I had gotten over that because I felt I could trust him with my feelings.

Well this weekend I suggested we have dinner at my house and then a movie.

After we finished eating he said he needed to talk with me.

That he is getting the impression that I want more from the relationship then he does (or something to that affect)

I said I did want a relationship that was working toward something -

He indicated that he wanted us to see each other with keeping in mind that we would not be exclusive.

He also said he went through the same thing last year - wanting just to be friends and the girl agreed to it and then starting dating someone else. (like that surprised him)

I said I couldn't do that -

And that althougth I would miss him and would be sad for a long tim, I couldnt' agree to that kind of relationship and said good bye.

He said he was really surprised that what he said would lead to a decision on my part that was so extreme etc. and that he hoped I found someone soon.

What the heck happened- what went wrong?

What caused this turn around?




Edited 2/29/2004 1:06:22 PM ET by calliesam2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 1:58pm
calliesam---

The answer to this is simple.....

YOU want the relationship to go somewhere...and THIS GUY DOESN'T!

Tell him to take a walk and find a man who wants to make YOU exclusive!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 2:03pm
I don't see it as a turn around - you assumed exclusivity but never discussed it with him instead looking for signs that he was serious about you - for all you know he takes every cute woman he is dating to meet his friends and makes up pet names. If you wanted something exclusive, why didn't you raise the issue? were you afraid of what the answer would be? In the past I dated certain men casually for months, met their friends, etc and never assumed exclusivity - I am the same way now - I always assume we are free to date others unless and until we have a conversation.

You are entitled not to want to date him casually - some women would be ok with it and you are not - but to see it as a change - no - he just wanted to make sure he confirmed for you what was true all along - that you are not exclusive. My guess is he doesn't see you as "the one" and this could change but if you want it to I would tell him not to call you unless he wants to be exclusive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 2:17pm
What happened is either he was never that serious about you, or else he is getting cold feet. Since it sounds like he has done this before, I'm afraid he was probably never that serious. You might see if he comes back after thinking it over. If he does, if I were you, I'd stick to your insistence that you have an exclusive relationship, if that's what you want.

In the future, I wouldn't take such things for granted. If you want an exclusive, committed relationship, talk about it soon. (Of course, the only true, permanent commitment is marriage, and even that is very doubtful nowadays). You say

"He has been very intimate both emotionally and physically."

I'd recommend in the future that whatever level of commitment you want with whatever level of intimacy you are practicing, talk it over and agree on it. Because otherwise, there's no reason to assume that the other person is thinking what you are thinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 2:45pm
Pianoguy,

Thanks for the guys dose of reality.

I guess because the wound is fresh I want to analyze the heck out of it.

And of course validation that I did what was right because as women we always believe that it was our fault, something we did or didn't do.

But it is black and white- we are at odds at what we want in a relationship.

I need to move on.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 7:48pm
Hmm...sounds a lot like the guy I was dating a year ago. Same basic scenario.

As the others said, you were right in ending the relationship if you both wanted something different from it. The guy I dated decided after a week he wanted to try again, on my terms, he said. That lasted all of a month. It hurt to walk away and I have to admit I still think of him occassionally. But I'm much better off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 8:07pm
I told him that I would miss him and I would sad for a while but that I could not compromise my values.

I have been in situations like this before but the guys have always been jerks.

This guy was a nice person but I can't imagine what he was thinking.

And yes I will miss him but like in falling off a bike - I know I need to get back on and move forward with my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 5:42am
Nothing went wrong. Like a lot of jerks today he wants to be able to see you, have fun with you, have sex with you and do whatever he wants. He knows he can do it because some women have agreed to it in the past.

I am glad you stuck to your guns and said no. It will save you a lot of heartache later.

I broke up with my ex 3 weeks ago. He kept telling me that he was scared of relationships and mairrage from the beginning but I kept going out with him. Well in the end he bolted and left me all alone after 8 months of dating and 6 months of living together. I feel rotten.

Dont go there... You don't need it.

And don't feel rejected. Its not you who has got a screw loose its men....

However there are guys out there who want the same things we want. And we need to focus on how to like them back...