What is he trying to say??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
What is he trying to say??
4
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 6:31pm
I have been talking to a man for nearly a month now. We met online and he rings me nearly every day and says that when I relocate to his country he will be there for me and help me and, like me, is ready now for a relationship and we think this could be with each other. We think about each other constantly and cannot wait to meet; have so much in common and although he is younger than me, by not that much. Like me, he has 'baggage' i.e. has been unlucky with the opposite sex but like me, he says he is not going to be bitter about this and is prepared to give new love a try.
This is all great but the only thing that concerns me is that he said to me tonight 'I would like a relationship with you if we click in real life as we have done on the phone etc BUT I want my freedom.' I asked him how he defined this and he said he that he did NOT want to give up his hobbies and interests. I said I had no intention of ever trying to make him give them up and I thought it was great (he plays in an amateur orchestra) that he loved music as I did too. He then said that when he was out rehearsing or something he would like it if I didn't sit in and wait for his call but went out with a bunch of friends. I said I was totally cool with that but he had to remember I was going to a new country where so far the only person I know is him. It takes time to make friends and sometimes it is not always possible. I said that I'm a strong woman who is ok with her own company and I wonder why he and every man I've known seems to feel more comfortable if I am out with a crowd of other people. I'm not a party animal anyway; my health is not 100% and therefore I don't like nightlife and as long as I'm not ringing him up and moaning - why does what I do when he is not there bother him? I said if he likes his freedom so much and needs so much space maybe he'd better not be in a relationship but he disagreed. I said if his idea of a relationship was just the occasional booty call that was off as well but he denied this and I believe him since he has been so helpful to me with advice etc and is buying a newspaper to help me look for apartments and even wants me to go skiiing with him in the winter. I feel he is just on his own for a long time and at 40, is nervous of committing himself having had so many unsuccessful relationships in the past. Other than these little speeches, he seems very affectionate and is meeting me at the airport and trying to be as helpful as possible. He calls me every night and says I am never far from his thoughts.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 6:39pm

I think having that type of conversation before you've even met is an exercise in futility and frustration.

Wait until you've met in person and gone out a bunch of times to discuss that type of thing.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 6:46pm

I am not sure if I got your post right, but you have known him only a Month, and you are relocating to his country? Do you not think that it is too early to be making such a life-changing decision? But it is your choice.

I think if he agrees that he has to maintain a good balance by giving The Relationship quality time as well, then it's all fine. A guy who has hobbies and interests is a good thing. Perhaps, by mentioning you hanging out with friends, he just wants to make sure you will not be sitting around waiting for him when he is out, so he feels less guilty about leaving you alone.

You perhaps would not know the "extent" of his involvement with his pursuits, and "what kind and how much space" he wants, unless you spend enough time with him.

Well, I wish you Goodluck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 9:07am

Did I read this right? Are you relocating to another country for this man? Or is there another reason and you just happened to start talking to him, as well?

If it's just for this man, my first thought is to ask you to use extreme caution. Meeting someone after a month of chatting is one thing. Moving to be near them is quite another.
I think, with some of your other worries about his concerns about your social life are premature. You don't know each other well enough to make those assumptions yet. The relationship isn't in reality yet. It's just an imagined situation based on what you've only talked about so far. I'm not saying your feelings and the connection between you two isn't real, I'm just saying you need time together to decide that.
Take it easy and good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 10:39am
Thank you all for your excellent input:) It is partly futile discussing such things before we meet and partly not, since when I met other guys online for example; it was obvious they were just after sex and so on so I think discussing one's views on what a perfect relationship should be is not completely futile although of course discussing whether one should have such a relationship with the person before you meet in person, is. No, I am NOT relocating to this guy's country for him. I am relocating to that country and checked out 3 cities I was interested in. The choice was then narrowed down to two of these cities and I opted for this city since it does not attract as many foreigners as the other one and therefore, when talking to various potential employers, I found there would be less competition from other foreigners in the field of work I do. Shortly after I started to make my selection of which city to settle in, I met him and although this influenced me of course, had I been offered something I couldn't refuse (jobwise) in another city or not found it so hard to find accommodation there, would have chosen that place. Even if we do not click or our relationship, if it starts, does not last, I want to be somewhere I like and so of course i am checking out the place for a week and seeing how hard it is to find accommodation there.