What is he waiting for???
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| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 8:57am |
I am totally confused. Just over one year ago I was totally single and then met a guy online and we just clicked like never before. He came to visit me in the US and before I knew it I was on a plane to move in with him back in Amsterdam where I had just moved away from months before (We didn't know each other during the years I was living there). Everything was just right with us- it was crazy but we ignored the chances and just lived happily. The only thing between us that had been wrong was some of the sexual stuff- since we moved together (into his apt) just after 3 dates- it took some of the romance and mystery out of the relationship...this worried me a lot but we were just so happy together. For the past year we have been living together (he supported me while I did an internship to advance my career). I couldn't choose a better person to be with. As we both say- "We just fit." Our personalities compliment one another, we love spending time together and never get bored of one another. We have both had ups and downs in the past year regarding jobs (we both found new ones after hating our old ones), family (arguments and death), and friends (arguments, etc)...the support we have given each other and the mutual respect is the best that I could ever hope for. He is just the right person for me- We share the same morals, values, intersts and we support one another's ambitions.I couldn't ask for a better match.
He has told me for the past year, that I am his one and only. That he couldn't ask for a better woman/girl than me. That I am the one for him. That he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We are currently buying a house together - he is actually buying it for me "so that I can nest" (his words). We are also buying a puppy together. My questions is- what is he waiting for? He knows that I am traditional and want to get married and don't plan on starting a family for about 6 years at least (I am 26 now). I know that he doesn't want to get married until he is 30 (he just turned 28) but he told me that refers to the actual wedding, not the engagement. He tells me not to worry about him leaving (when I tell him i worry about him not wanting to marry me). He is a person that goes after what he wants when he wants it- just like I do - which is what brings me to my question- What is he waiting for? If he wants to spend his life with me, why doesn't he take the leap and ask me to marry him? He is also a perfectionist and would want to surprise me so i know he would need planning time...but still- how much time does it take?
The other tiny problem here is that while one side of me really wants to get engaged, the other part of me is scared- not of spending my life with him, but of getting older- which is probably normal. I have also been hurt many many many times by the way ex-boyfriends have treated me (i always went for the commitment-phobes) and I think on some level I am a commitmentphobe as well- i am just scard of getting hurt once more. I get more and more scared as the days pass, that he will not propose and that I will just be waiting around to get hurt. I don't think he would do this - but, you never know, right? This insecurity makes me doubt that he is the right one for me...not really- after all, he is perfect for me and for who i am and for all the fun we have together and the fact that he makes me laugh and smile all the time- but i still allow doubts to enter my mind. I think it is my insecurity that does this and then I put a wall up and choose to find fault in our relationship by finding things that make it less than perfect (the sexual stuff is usually the top thing)...but whenever I take those "Is he Mr. Right" tests, they all say that he is my own prince charming. And I know I couldn't ask for better. He is exactly the man that I once told my mother that I wanted to be with (except for the looks dept)- smart, intelligent but not arrogant, funny, down to earth, sporty, ambitious, funny, loves to travel, can appreciate the finer things in life but doesn't need to have them, hard worker but works to live and does not live to work, and someone that enjoys spending time giving back to the world via charity or doing relief work.
I guess I can't help but wonder what is stopping him for proposing...i just hate feeling this way and putting doubt in my relationship just so that I don't get hurt (which i don't think I will, but i don't know for sure).
A relative of mine asked me two months ago if I was getting angry at him for not making a proper committment yet after I moved to another country for him...and I think I am.
I also know that the sexual stuff...which i have mentioned twice before is just an issue I have due to my previously poor choices in boyfriends- a long chain of short, intense, addictive, intoxicating relationships where I imagined love that was never there and mistook sex for love...and this is my first really normal relationship with someone who is the right sort of person for me. So maybe that is a problem that needs further examination but I have analysed it for so long...I just need to start letting go of the past and of my previous definition of what sex is supposed to be like. I can be a bit too much of a perfectionist sometimes...So when I worry about him leaving me or leading me on I just blame it on this part of the relationship and I blame it on my own behaviour.
I am just confused...and feeling more insecure by the day...and am petrified of my insecurities jeopardising my relationship.

dagnygalt...
Pianoguy isn't going to write paragraphs concerning your post (which is a bit on the long side).
However...you might want to ask yourself a few questions:
1. AM I IN THIS RELATIONSHIP JUST FOR THE SEX?
2. Have I really chosen a man who is 'compatible and comfortable with me' WHO IS WILLING TO COMPROMISE ON HIS MARITAL TIME FRAME? (An FWB situation doesn't always last)
3. Have I done everything "as a single person" that I WANT TO DO...before I seriously consider marriage with anybody?
I know there are other ivillagers who can (and will) offer their '2 cents'----but you've got my 3!
Pianoguy
Thank you for your reply Piano Guy. To answer your questions:
I am definitely not in this relationship for the sex...the foundation of this relationship is based on who we are and our compatibility and the love of spending time with one another and talking to one another.
The one thing that I am wondering is his ability to alter his timeline to mine...I didn't even realise I was working off a timeline...but I guess I am to an extent.
And to answer your third question- I have done everything I want to do as a single person. I have been single on and off my whole life...this relationship is the longest I have ever had (just over one year)...so maybe that is where the expectation of engagment comes in. I have travelled extensively, with friends, alone, lived alone, moved to different countries alone. I have enjoyed being independent but I adore being in a couple especially since we love to do the same things we used to love doing alone- but now having these experiences and adventures together.
Does this answer your questions? Now what do you think?
Thank you again.
Dagny
Ok, yes, your post was long with a lot of questions, but here's the crux of it, IMO:
<< We are currently buying a house together - he is actually buying it for me "so that I can nest" (his words). We are also buying a puppy together. My questions is- what is he waiting for? >> ... and you already live together, for which, you made a big move to be with him without knowing him very well.
The crux of it is, if you want him to want to marry you, if you want him to 'pop the question' ... then, you have to stop doing everything backwards ... you're putting the cart before the horse ... setting up house without having a future with him set up. Do this, and he won't really have any REASON or motivation to marry you.
Don't buy the house (yet) ... let him know that while you appreciate his willingness to buy a home so that you can "nest" ... that you'd be more comfortable with the idea of buying a home when you guys are engaged.
Period. Otherwise, you'll be nesting in his home, which you'll have no legal rights to without being married, and if things don't progess the way you want them to ... you'll probably feel like a lot of women who get to this point do: you'll be at that point of giving him an ultimatum ... except at this point, with everything but the piece of paper (ie, marriage certificate) ... you'll have zero leverage.
<< My questions is- what is he waiting for? He knows that I am traditional and want to get married and don't plan on starting a family for about 6 years at least (I am 26 now). I know that he doesn't want to get married until he is 30 (he just turned 28) >>
So, what is his waiting for?, you ask. Well, he doesn't want to get married for at least 2 more years. And, he probably doesn't want or believe in long engagements. For that matter, neither do I. IMO, people should get engaged when they're ready to get married and start planning for the "big day."
It does sound like he's committed to you. However, what you don't want to do is give it all away for free (ie, what you have to offer) while he sets everything up for an "as if" marriage (ie, it's as if we're already married anyway, so why do we need to get married?)
If you've got the house, the dog, playing the 'wifey role' ... the whole nine yards ... it could just decrease his motivation to actually get married.
So, if I were you, I'd let him know that you'd be more comfortable with buying the home when/if you guys make that step toward getting engaged ... perhaps in a year ... which will be a year before his 30th bday ... which is also an adequate and suitable amount of time to plan a wedding without it being a long engagement.
Best to you!!
Hello again, dagny!
PG thinks the only way you're going to be able to know where you stand with this man---is AFTER he responds to your 2nd question.
If you feel the "I'm not getting married till I'm 30" excuse is honest and he plans to do the follow-through....get it in writing! Odds are...YOU WON'T!
So this leaves you with the option of continuing to play "romance roulette"....OR....cut your losses and end this.
And only YOU can make that choice! Here's hoping things work out?
Pianoguy