What the heck does he think he's doing?
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| Mon, 08-09-2004 - 12:50pm |
And there's more: I went in to the health food store with him over the weekend, and in addition to flirting with homely girl right in front of me, he made fun of me in front of two clerks (told them I was high maintenance as we all searched for wheat & dairy free cookies), made fun of me for opening my cookies at the register to break the tension while he flirted with homely. He teases me sometimes, but never like that. I think he did all this because the night before when I was working my night job at a pub, some drunk guy grabbed my boobs in front of my b/f. Of course I told him to back off, but my b/f did nothing b/c he was a ways away and wasn't sure if he grabbed me or the air, just pretending. He told me that he knew it was not my fault, but then the next day he treats me like dog food. This is not the first time I have picked up on passive aggressive paybacks from him when a guy was inappropriate with me at the bar. It's probably the third time in the six months we've been together. How do I talk to him about all this so he will listen and not get defensive, and how to I keep from detonating when he tries to chalk it up to me being jealous (something he likes to say)? Our relationship is otherwise really healthy especially considering he's much younger than I, but he can be really immature at times and I can't stand to let things to preoccupy me for long. Please help!!

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How do you talk to him? "There's the door, jerk" Find yourself a guy who's not going to be so disrespectful, will be mindful of your feelings and won't try to pin his behaviour on you. Of course you're going to be angry and upset by the way he's acting, but he can turn it around on you by saying, "you're being jealous". Why are you buying into it? I'm sure you are a wonderful person, why allow yourself to be treated like you aren't? What do you owe him to stick around and be treated like that?
Find a wonderful man who will treat you like the "queen mary of scots" you claim to be.
And he can't control how attached or involved they get in the "fantasy of what if" involving him.
He's flirting because he's insecure and immature and likes all the attention. Which is fine because he's NOT responsible for thier response or perception to and of it.
That you're with someone that is insecure and immature - that indicates your level of maturity and security as an individual. Particuarly in light of the fact that you're being dissed publicly to your face and standing there and taking it.
Face up to something...you're the hottie Mrs. Robinson that this guy is a "stud for getting to DO"...that's how he sees it. And you think your'e a hottie because this young stud is so "into you".
why can't you be satisfied with this for what it is. IT's two superficially attracted people getting it on and because you're each willing to get it on with each other - you feel more positive about yourself.
But as far as things in common go - you two haven't got them. Not when it comes down to the relevant facts and values. So, quit trying to form a relationship, have deep conversations, adn "find things you share" - get laid, have fun, etc. etc. etc.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
You can't do it. You say he respects you when you set up boundaries...hello, his mommy sets rules and he obeys so that he continues to benefit...until when out from her tunnel vision - he does whatever he wants or says whatever he wants.
The guy is immature....when people go from being someone's child to being an "adult" with responsibliites and options.....what they do is seek the only "dynamic" they're familiar with. It's inequality based, it's a power struggle, it's a "you provide for me and the benefit you have is me being "around you". Parent/child...that's what it is!
Only, as a parent/child relationship - it works. But it's what you're comfortable with and know as a "relationship dynamic" and so you seek it in the first few "adult" relationships you have.
You want a lump of clay, you want to "mold hiim" - you want make him into th eman you want him to be so that your needs will be met......the thing is - while you might be molding and shaping him while he's with you - he's got his own idea and vision of his potential that he's molding and shaping when you're not around.
If you want a relationship wtih him...you're going to have to wait for him to grow up. If you want to wait - fine. But, you can't speed up the process, and by getting someone incomplete and undefined - don't think that you're getting a lump of clay that will become what you say and want and need because you're older, with more experience, more options, and more ability.
He's going to become who he wants to be....whether you're "molding" or not. He just might enjoy right now the firm touch on his tush.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Talk to him about jealousy and talk to him about being defensive. Will he even acknowledge anything or it all your problem? If it's all you and he won't take responsibility for anything himself, walk.
Now, if you're at work and someone is grabbing at you, that is something for the management to be dealing with- not some boyfriend. They should be escorting him out and saying, 'you are not welcome here to harrass the waitresses'. Your guy has no right to say or do anything in that situation, it is your work, you are not out at the club/ pub as patrons. So if he wants to bring up the situation at all, I suggest he brings it up with your boss that these men are touching his staff, not trying to put you down for it. I doubt that you sat there and asked a drunk to grope you, right?
If he continues with the attitude after you have set the *boundaries* he will continue to because he does not respect you. It is NOT your job to *mold* someone, it is their job to be descent and respectable. You cannot force someone to change, but you can be honest with how their behaviour is making you feel. It's up to them to change. You need to sit him down and say, "I am respectful of you and mindful of your feelings, I expect the same from you". If he wants to walk away when you're talking about it, won't that tell you his character and his thoughtfulness?
I really hope that you don't put up with this anymore, he has no right to treat you like this. If he wants to start making jokes, walk away.
If you want to "parent' him into adulthood - go ahead. But you can't "enable" him into adulthood - which is what you're trying to do.
Parenting him says "I want you to be a complete, secure, success, mature, realistic, accomplished person by YOUR definitions and standards. And waht you're doing is wrong and inappropriate and you're using dysfunctional reasoning. So son, right now - you can't live at home, and we're not going to support you because you're not going to schoool but won't work a job, either." I think you get the point.
Enabling him is "Honey, we want you to be successful, secure, and happy and here is the definition for that and what it looks like. So I'm going to give you all the options and benefits of being those things, while I "teach" you how to act in order to get those things on your own." And you'll sit there giving him benefits and "chances" - while he continues with his actions...because let's face it - he's smarter than you. He doesn't need to act like a mature, realistic, successful adult to get the benefits of it - you're making sure of it.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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