What the heck does he think he's doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
What the heck does he think he's doing?
11
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 12:50pm
My boyfriend goes out of his way to be "friendly" with homely girls, saying he's doing it to bolster them and it's really altruistic so it's a good thing, not a bad thing. I am not jealous, but here's the problem: homely girl at the health food store that he always goes to thought he really liked her because he always flirts (I am friends w/a couple people that work there, so I know more than what he tells me). She developed a huge crush on him over time, and it developed more and more so soon everyone at the store knew about it, and they even thought he liked her, too. She was so sure, she even went so far as to ask him out, and was most likely confused and crushed when he said no, that he has a girlfriend. So, in the end, his eleemosynary was totally negated. She probably hates him more now for leading her on, than she would have if he had just blown her off or drawn the line sooner.

And there's more: I went in to the health food store with him over the weekend, and in addition to flirting with homely girl right in front of me, he made fun of me in front of two clerks (told them I was high maintenance as we all searched for wheat & dairy free cookies), made fun of me for opening my cookies at the register to break the tension while he flirted with homely. He teases me sometimes, but never like that. I think he did all this because the night before when I was working my night job at a pub, some drunk guy grabbed my boobs in front of my b/f. Of course I told him to back off, but my b/f did nothing b/c he was a ways away and wasn't sure if he grabbed me or the air, just pretending. He told me that he knew it was not my fault, but then the next day he treats me like dog food. This is not the first time I have picked up on passive aggressive paybacks from him when a guy was inappropriate with me at the bar. It's probably the third time in the six months we've been together. How do I talk to him about all this so he will listen and not get defensive, and how to I keep from detonating when he tries to chalk it up to me being jealous (something he likes to say)? Our relationship is otherwise really healthy especially considering he's much younger than I, but he can be really immature at times and I can't stand to let things to preoccupy me for long. Please help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 7:54pm
I have to agree a little with what Erin is saying. By trying to *help* him you're just giving him the message that his behaviour is ok. He will then figure out what YOU want to hear so that he can continue in this fashion. He doesn't NEED to change, since you have and continue to put up with the behaviour. You say that you can set a clock by what is going to happen, so isn't that a clue to you that it's never going to change? He's happy with the way things are, they are working FOR HIM- how long til you realize they're not working FOR YOU?

Maybe YOU are the one who needs to understand what an adult relationship is really like. It is not one person parenting/ coaching/ nagging/ bullying/ insulting or persecuting the other. It means honesty, loyalty, committment, trust, communication, responsibility and sharing.

I really hope that you will look at this from that angle and see that this isn't healthy for YOU. When you are with your boyfriend, you should be comfortable and trust that they will treat you well. Sounds to me like you are almost always on edge waiting for him to insult you.

And no matter how much he was upset about the breast grabbing incident that is NO EXCUSE for his behaviour!! NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO TREAT YOU LIKE THAT- NO ONE!!!

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