What the heck is going on here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
What the heck is going on here?
4
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:16pm
Ok so I've been asking this same question over and over again and dealing with the same "man" for years now and still, it's the same bull...

Recap: I met him when I was fifteen, enjoyed every moment I spent with him. It was wonderful, but unfortunatly things just did not turn out the way I wanted them to. We still always had this connection though, even though he dated another girl for three years. We would spend countless nights together (platonically) and were good friends throughout thier entire relationship...but towards the end of thier relationship it did start to get slightly physical. We both knew we wanted each other. But I honestly cared for him. And I still do.

About two years ago, I lost my virginity to him, and our relationship basically consisted of nothing but that. I always wanted more and would say that to him but it seemed he had a fear of some sort and would say "It's this or nothing." And stupid me should have said ok then it's nothing but I didn't. I allowed him to hurt me numerous times. I allowed him to continuously play "mind" games with me for three years.

Around April of this year, we stoped the sexual relationship and stopped talking all together. I finally got over him (so I thought) and formed a new relationship with another man. After that did not work out, he (the ex) came back into my life about 2 months ago. It was good however, we were friends again. We talked every so often.

But now...a few days ago...We were talking on the phone, he was drunk and saying some really crazy things to me. I started to cry and asked him why he was saying such things. He told me that he was so lonely. I told him that I have always been there for him but he constatnly pushes me away and I can't do this anymore, I cant keep running back to hm all the time. Then he told me he loves me and that I was his first love and all he ever wanted and that he was sorry for being so stupid all those years.

What the heck does this mean? Now I'm all confused...He hasn't mentioned anything like this again to me since that night. But now I feel like I'm starting to love him all over again and I don't want to.

Is this just a cry for help/attention? I don't know what to do or think. I can see myself marrying him but I feel like he just always lies to me.

Any input/advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:21pm
He's a bad habit...just reread what you wrote about him...you start to develop feelings for him again after he calls you drunk? This man and this relationship is NOT healthy for you. WHY would you want to marry him? Because he used you and he calls you when he's drunk? Because he's got intimacy problems?? This is the man you want to father your children so that you can raise them by yourself???
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:30pm
I know, he has problems. But it's almost as if I want to help him. Not necessarily change him but help him. He's such a wonderful person deep down and he doesn't see it thats why i think he is so self destructive and such an idiot sometimes. But yet I still don't know why I fall for his words.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 12:56pm
Hi,

I am in and have been in a very simular situation to you. I have known this one guy since 8th grade. Were both 21 now and he comes in and out of my life. I am in college and he's a marine. We have never really been a couple but both of us have always been very confused about our relationship. And I for the most part have and still might be in love with him. I lost my virginity to him last year and then 3 months later he went to Iraq. Now he's back after 6 months and wants to start a sort of open long distance relationship. We talk on the phone about every other day and sometimes he's drunk also. But my decision is still out on opening up that past wound and I would advise u to do the same. Be careful these type of relationships are hurtful and could result in u being hurt in the end. I'd hear him out but also be skeptical of what he's saying because he was drunk and guys are not always clear with their intentions. Good luck.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 7:11pm
You fall for his words...probably because you're out to be Nurse Nightingale and you want to save him...this makes you feel good about yourself and useful...he's pushing your buttons...what you need to do is build up your own self esteem, step back and see this relationship for the unhealthy dynamic that is it.