What the hell are we?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
What the hell are we?
7
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 12:10pm
I have been seeing this guy for a month now. When I say 'seeing' of course i mean dating and the likes. For a little backstory I have known this man for the last 6 months we just took things to the next level recently. Things have been going great with us. I'm happy. Hes happy. The only thing is that even though we have been going out together and all our friends see us as a couple we both have never said in words to each other that we are 'together.' Alright to me it looks like im making no sense. I'm really bad at putting thoughts into words. I know he likes to move slow and is not really good at expressing himself and I'm just so shy about talking about stuff like this that I never brought it up. My question really is: How do I ask him what our status is without seeming all pushy?

I mean I dont want to end up scaring him away or putting him on the spot. Should I just let things go how they have been and see what develops?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 12:47pm
If you'd step back - you'd see this for what it is.

You're hanging out and hooking up.

There is no status, there is no communication = there is no obligation.

This suits his needs, he doesn't want to formally date, he doesn't want to become obligated to meet your needs or standards....so as long as you're willing to go where he goes, and hae hang out with him upon request - particularly now that there is sex involved - it's hanging out and hooking up.

It means if someone else sparks his attention - he can pursue another "hanging out and hooking up" scenario - and what it is not is "taking things slow".

It cracks me up - he's not afraid to go out in public with me (he asks me to go), he's not afraid to make it known that he wnats to have sex (he says and does that openly)...but he's "afraid" to tell you what he wants in terms of this liason? NO...it's just that he wants nothing except "repeated one nighters" at the present - and to communicate that would end it.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 1:18pm
Ummm...we are not having sex at the moment. Really when I say we are going slow I mean that have we have been working slow. Took us five months to even admit any romantic feelings. Yeah I should of mentioned that he DID tell me about a month ago that he had romantic feelings for me. We just havent talked about them specifically since we started seeing each other. Of coruse there are the typical smiling gushy remarks of "You're great!" and other such sentimental sassafrass but neither have us have come out to state what we are. So back to my original question. Should I just come out and ask him? Or let things develope how they have been over the last half year?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 1:38pm
Infatuation "your desire for me makes me feel so great about myself I can't get enough of you".

sounds like your entire relationship has been structured around a "flirtation/attraction" base. And you two just have been dancing around one another, not acting on it "taking it slow" - but nobody saying "this is what I want".

Meaning.....you two might not get the difference between "dating" and a "relationship".

Dating is all about the moment. Thre is no "future" in dating. You enjoy this person for what they bring to your life, how they make you feel about yourself, you enjoy shared interests and conversations and events.

A relationship is when you consider their needs equally with your own, and there is communication, compromise and negotiation at all times, because this person as an individual - not the benefits or comforts or feelings they bring to your life - are important to you.

As a rule, if someone hasn't established the difference between dating and a relationship - they're unclear that one is all about fun...and the other involves work, sacrifice and effort.

Which is where lots of young women get confused.....because dating is part of a relationship, and it can lead to a relationship - but everybody out there dating is not seeking a relationship.

And as a rule - if you tend to let things go along without communication - what you end up doing is analyzing their actions and words in a vacuum trying to "figure out what they meant, or what they want"....and then you take those assumptions and use them as facts - determining what you do and give and offer them in alignment with where you think you're headed.

So, you're not going ot scare someone off by saying "where are we going here" - becuase one place that is certainly being headed towards isa more physically intimate relationship. And if you don't do sex - without emotional investment, and without more knowledge of them as an individual vs. how they make you feel about yourself - it's important o discuss "where we're headed"...otherwise you might easily ind yourself in bed with and emotionally attached to someone who's "just enjoying the moment with you."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 2:17pm
Why would you take things to the "next level" without defining beforehand what the "next level" meant to each of you and what your expectations were? That makes no sense to me at all.

Yes, you should talk to him about what your respective relationship goals are to find out if you're on the same page. Otherwise, you risk getting more hurt the longer you stay in it, if it turns out you are NOT on the same page.

The only way talking about it would "scare him off" is if you're not right for each other, anyway, so speak up!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 10:08pm
I think us women like the feeling of always knowing "what the title is"! I have the same dilemma with every guy I *date*. I look at it this way, if you like the way things are going, then keep doing what you're doing! The second that you bring up the whole "where is this going" convo, men get freaked out! Just go with the flow, and soon enough you will know if it's going anywhere!

Just always remember to keep your guard up so you don't get hurt! Until you guys are *exclusive* and actually discuss that, then both of you are free to do what you want. If you really like this guy then obviously you won't be with anyone else.... and if he feels the same - he won't be with anyone else!

I do wish you luck! I am going through a simliar scenario.... If you wanna chat, email me!

Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 10:34am
Thanks everyoen for the advice. Just so happens that I found out where we stood last night and I didnt even have to ask. Turns out he wants us (and thought all this time) that we were exclusive.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 10:41am
Exclusive in terms of "what".

Most men have no problem being "exclusive' in regard to sex. Simply because nobody wants HIV/AIDS or non-curable but not terminal STD's to contend with.

So realize something...you've started a pattern that is going to be hard to break.

he's not going to "formally begin to date you" - and plan adn prepare for these dates. He didn't do that in the beginning because it's not his style or his preference and doesn't meet his needs...he simply started hanging out with you, hooking up with you, without alot of communication.

At some point...he easily might develop a friendship through a mutual interest or shared goal and you're goign to worry like crazy.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com