what if I don't want marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2005
what if I don't want marriage?
12
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 11:07pm

I have a bit of a silly problem but it's eating at me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 1:01am
Communication and honesty would be the key words for me in your case. Since you both still love each other and such I'd call him up, meet somewhere neutral and explain to him what you just wrote in your post. You know how he feels regarding a second marriage, but he doesn't know how you feel. It's possible that he got spooked by the relationship going that good and thought that you might want to get married at some point. You never said "I agree with you, I don't want to get married again either". Your relationship can be saved, but you have to speak up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 12:21pm

<< He still thinks I want to get married, etc., but I don't. He still thinks that because I've never told him otherwise. How would I bring that up? >>

I think that if you explain it to him just as you've explained it to us, that should do the trick. Just let him know that you believe that he jumped the gun on assuming that that was what you wanted, but that you enjoyed the relationship for what it was and didn't have expectations beyond that.

Communication is key in any relationship. As you said << Neither of us has ever been very good at having relationship discussions, but we fumble through them when we need to.>> ... you guys need to work on this aspect of things, talk openly about this type of stuff so each knows where the other is coming from. Because, as it is, it doesn't sound like his was a valid reason for breaking up, rather it was a projection or assumption of what he THOUGHT you wanted. And, if that wasn't the case, it's up to you to let him know that ... let him know what you DO want. Then, both people are in a position of making an informed decision about the course of the relationship.

And, if that doesn't do the trick then ... all I can say is that, the reason he gave you isn't the real reason. But, don't go there (yet) ... just let him know how you really feel about things.

Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 1:18pm

kitkat0604...

As Pianoguy has indicated in several other posts (on this and other L&S boards), you can't base your personal life decisions on what friends, family or business associations tell you!

Your life choices should be determined by the number of commitments you wish to make. Some people make a few...others make A LOT because they want their lives completely planned out! So let's look at your present situation, okay?

Currently, you're committed to a job that requires travel...and this appears to be your number #1 priority! Although it's entirely possible to become one half of a married couple while still maintaining "a long distance marriage"---it's often necessary for one partner to make some sort of a 'work adjustment' in order to fulfill the marriage vow and be closer to the spouse?

I think it's easy for most of us to handle "personal stress", but once we involve another person's feelings and expectations...this INCREASES our stress numbers! And as great as a partner may or may not be, taking on someone else's feelings (on a permanent basis) is TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2005
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 2:15pm

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2005
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 2:49pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2005
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 3:12pm

You're right about listening to my instincts first, but you know that good judgment and clarity go flying out the window in the aftermath of a breakup, so I wasn't sure that what I felt wasn't actually just wishful thinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 3:36pm

kitkat0604...

Pianoguy's reference to work and long distance is the following:

When a couple is separated frequently (usually because of work)...one or the other (or both) often gets irritated because of all the distance and miles between them.

So one half of the couple either relocates closer to the other (so they can at least spend their nights together)...OR...they let their "seperation frustration" get the better of them...which means a (quoting the late singer, Tammy Wynette) "D-I-V-O-R-C-E!"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2005
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 4:42pm

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Ok but honestly, that's jumping the gun on everything by a long shot and

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 12:35pm

kitkat0604...

Pianoguy's thoughts are strictly one man's opinion....which ALL ivillagers can accept, reject or ignore!

I'm only expressing my feelings based on the words you've used. Getting defensive about them really isn't necessary.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2005
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 2:15pm

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