What is it with this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
What is it with this?
2
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 6:17pm
First off, let me reiterate that I do understand that guys need time away from a girlfriend and that it is healthy for a relationship for a couple to spend time away from each other. This weekend, my bf is coming down to my area but he wants to spend the whole weekend with his friend. He hasnt really seen his friend since about a month ago, when he took him back home on Sunday night when I couldnt do it. Before that, my bf had stayed over by his place on a Friday night in Jan and I met up with my bf on Sat night at a party.

I am not angry about letting my bf hang with his friend but for the whole weekend, that bothers me a bit. They are not going to do much except play computer games, from what he tells me. I am also worried because next weekend, my bf might hang out with another friend of his that he hasnt seen in months. I know I cant get mad at him about it since the past two weekends he stayed with me since I was afraid of being alone while my best friend was on vacation.

I guess my question is, I want to take a poll of people on here. Would you girls be upset if your boyfriends spent an entire weekend away from you with a guy friend of theirs???? Or would you women allow a guy to spend a guys night out here and there, but not a whole weekend?

I guess I am bothered by this because, not only is my bf going to be hanging with his friend, but a girl is going to be there. No, this girl is not interested in my bf. She has a crush on the friend. My bf's friend doesnt have feelings for this girl, but he keeps her around since she keeps house for him, cleans for him, and cooks for him. I have seen how much she cares for him and watches out for him. At the last party we all went to, my bf's friend spent the whole night getting drunk and hitting on other young girls. He just left his female friend sitting with us. She finally got fed up and dragged his sorry, drunk ass home. My question is, if they are all hanging out together, it really isnt a guys night out, then can I ask to hang with them? They all dont hate me or anything like that. It is just that we dont always do things together. When my bf and I hang out, he has never made much of an initiative to do things with his friends and us. I dont know why. I have met most of his friends though.

The other thing I am pissed about has to do with Sunday night. His friend usually drops my bf off at the train station if he comes down to visit him (this is before my bf met me). Sometimes, he drives him all the way home, but it depends. I talked to my bf on Thurs afternoon and asked him if I could take him home on Sunday night. He told me that he didnt want me to since he wanted to get home at a decent time so he could get laundry done and some stuff for the week. He also told me that his friend might want to drive him home.

I am worried this is a prelude to him wanting to dump me, although I dont understand what I could have done to warrant this. He was so nice and loving and caring to me on Wed night, the last time I saw him.

I dont know how I am going to get through this weekend. I have tried to get together with some of my female friends, but most of them are so engrossed with their bf or husbands, that they dont really do much with thier other female freiends. It seems like when a girl finds a bf, she disappears from her circle of friends. I know this is true since I have seen it happen when I was single and I have lost quite a few friends this way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 8:13pm
I think what I would be concerned about is that a 31 year old man without a good job who lives at home chooses to spend a whole weekend playing computer games, and counts as a good friend a man who behaves the way you described. Granted, I would do anything for a weekend to do nothing but read and veg and watch TV - but that is because I work my butt off and have not had a vacation since August. I think your bf is sensing your neediness and clinginess - needing him to stay with you because your best friend was on vacation? Huh? Begging him to drive him home? He is reacting to your clinginess and constant need for reassurance, express or implied - by needing distance from you. Yes, all people need space from each other - has nothing to do with the depth of their love - and no I would not be mad at my bf if he wanted to spend a weekend apart from me or go on a separate vacation for a week - I would miss him but since loving is giving I would focus on giving him the space he asked for. However, if I sensed that he needed space because of my neediness and clinginess, I would still not be mad at him but I would probably think it was due to my behavior.

You are trying to be mommy and therapist to him and you are requiring him to constantly reassure you and accept your neediness and clinginess. You are pushing him away and I do think that is one reason he needs the time apart. Please don't call him this weekend - show him you can change your behavior to be a more giving person and a less needy person. it is all in your control. No, i do not think he will dump you but he is telling you he needs space - everyone has eventual limits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 5:44pm
I don't get it. I thought everyone here made it clear you should dump HIM. We all gave up and thought you would never listen, then you seemed to listen a little and I had renewed hope. Did you call a therapist yet?

It doesn't matter what he does this weekend. You will be unhappy whether he spends the weekend with you or not, or whether you drive him home or he takes the train. You need to get out of this relationship and start taking care of yourself. You should not be afraid to be alone - that is a big red flag that you are not ready for a grown up, healthy relationship.

And for the record, I just left a 9-year marriage and one of our big problems was his desire to play video games all the time. He's 34 and would rather play those games than interact with me. I promise you, a guy who is that into "hanging out" and playing video games is not suitable for a long-term relationship. Guys shouldn't do that unless they are still in their teenage years or perhaps if they are playing games with their kids - but still it should not be an all weekend thing. You wonder why he has not gotten anywhere in his life? This is one of the reasons. Get a clue and get away from him.

Also, I don't think he wants you around him this weekend or he would have asked. If it doesn't seem right to you, that's because it's not. The only right answer here is to dump him.

If anyone is not following what I am saying, here is the previous thread to which I am referring: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldatingdil&msg=24186.1&ctx=512

Another related post: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldatingdil&msg=24119.1&ctx=512

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