what kind of signals is he sending?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
what kind of signals is he sending?
6
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 8:34pm
Thought I'd seen it all til this one ... all comments/feedback welcome. Gonna try to make as short as possible but the whole story is needed for this to make sense.

Went out with a guy last weekend that I have known for years. We hung out a lot when we were teenagers (15 years ago) but we were strictly friends. I actually dated one of his buddies for a while back then. I haven't seen or talked to him in about 5 years since we do live an hour apart. Anyway, a few weeks back I saw his profile on an online service so I sent him a note. We chatted online and then he called. We talked on the phone daily for about a week before we went out. Our first date consisted of drinks and pool with my cousin and his gf. The next morning we were supposed to go hunting since we are both avid outdoorsmen/women so I decided to stay at his place. We got there and he insisted I have the bed and he'd sleep on the couch. Well I wasn't comfortable rooting him out of his bed so I crashed on the couch. He couldn't handle that so he came in before I went to sleep and asked if I wanted to swap ... hello!!!! aren't 2 adults capable of sharing a bed? I wasn't up for sex but geez. So finally the problem was solved and we decided to share the bed. No hanky panky just a little cuddling. Next morning we got up and it was raining so the hunt was off. Ended up hanging out on the couch watching movies all day. When it was time for me to go he pretty much just hugged me and said goodbye. Since then he has called every day sometimes twice, but our conversations seem to be limited to hunting. We didn't used to be like this. For some reason I am uncomfortable when talking to him, but I truly think it's because he has me so puzzled. We haven't had another date, but he always says "next time we'll do this or go here". Well $*(@ he has to ask me out for there to be a next time. I do know he has been burned really bad and is very leary but holy cow. Call me everyday but doesn't want to see me? I kind of just want to say hey bud what's the deal here. Are you just wanting us to be friends again or are you looking for something more. Being uncomfortable is driving me nuts. Thoughts? Suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 9:35am
Look, if you want to be 'dated' and considered as a potential partner by someone IF they want a relationship - don't go out of your way to be "one of the boys and hang out and insist on sharing a bed without sex...as if you're some kind of teenager who can't make up her mind about how many bases she wants to let a guy get to."

Lord....you're how old again?

There's nothing wrong with hunting as a date......and I suppose technically....well, no - not technically.

Basically - what is dating...it's a period of getting ot know one another as individuals, putting your best foot forward an being impressive - but also assessing thier character. A person that doesn't invest time and energy in "dtaing" you - probably wants nothing but someone to hang out with and hook up with for theri needs and at their convenience and on their terms.

So here's you - wanting to "date"......so you all go to dinner...and now you're over here making it convenient, easy, trying to "save him the trouble of trying to see you again" - you stay at his house, you sleep IN his bed with him.....everything you do with him is not because of him...but because of you.

If I were him - I wouldn't want to date a woman that has the idea that in order to have companionship she's got to make it easy and convenient to have access without any effort on my part....and I'd be figuring that what you do with me, you do with plenty of other people......nobody is going to be inspired to date you if you're a "free lunch".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 10:20am
Doubleblade always has such a negative outlook on things. Don't waste your time trying to justify your thoughts and actions in a reply. She could have easily given you her adivce without the negative remarks. I gathered from your post that you did know what you wanted...for both of you to be comfortable while....yet not have expectations of sex. Good for you!! I didn't think you in the least bit "High Schoolish".

But I will say this..back off for a minute. Don't take his calls. If you do take a call, let him know that you are busy and only talk for a few minutes. IF he wants to take you out he will ask you. If he doesn't ask you, then he is only interested in friendship.

Good Luck!

 

http://tickers.ticke

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 7:17pm
Thanks for the input. I wasn't going to waste my time with doubleblade because it's very obvious she didn't read the post as I meant it and misinterpreted the entire scenario. After I posted the message last night I got to thinking that maybe I didn't make myself clear in letting him know that I wanted to take our relationship to another level. Try being more than friends ... so I sent him a quick email stating that I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page and that he didn't just think of me as one of the guys. Got a phone call at 8:00 this morning from a very perky fellow who seems to be just as interested now as I am.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 10:24pm
NExt time he drops all these hints maybe say something like, 'Yeah that would be fun to do together. Maybe we should set a time or else you know how these things go - our schedules can get really crazy.
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:54am
Where you specific about what other 'level' you wanted to take it to?

Did you specify dating?

In having worked with, adn competed with and against lots of men - I have a tendency to think like they do - in order to compete against and with them athletically and work well with them in construction.

Most guys that would hear "I want to take this to another level" - if that specifically or generally is all that you indicated.....after having had you sleep in their bed without action at your own insistence....would likely assume you mean "let's get physical"....in other words - hang out and hook up buddies. Even as a woman...if a guy said to me after sharing a bed platonically, and having been interactive and interested in shared events and pursuits....let's "take it to another level" - I personally would assume wanted to have a platonic friendship with a sexual benefit. I wouldn't assume he wanted to date.

If you specifically said you wanted to date...and he was receptive to it - you might consider asking him out. What isn't possibly realistically is "to pursue and be pursued". You're pursuing dating...why not ask him out formally, pick him up, plan and pay...and show him precisely what you mean by "dating" - so that he has no confusion about your intentions and desires.

Because he can't imagine that you're incapable of that.....after all this interaction dn discussion.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 9:36pm
I did make it very clear to him. I guess I summarized too much in my post trying to cut it short. I told him that I wanted to make sure we were on the same page and were headed in the same direction. He then asked me what I wanted and I told him that I would like for us to try and be more than friends to go out and date and see what happens. He said "well I didn't know and I sure wasn't going to make the first move". So far so good. We aren't rushing things at all. I am pretty busy with a new career and he's very busy in his so it keeps us both from moving too fast. Also being an hour apart helps it move slow too. I still think he's kind of scared and well to be honest so am I. I do not usually have any problem communicating with someone but for some reason I find myself at a loss for words with him. We have so much in common so that's hard for me to believe. I think maybe my nerves are messing with my head. Just gonna try and relax and go with the flow.