At what point do you discuss kids??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2007
At what point do you discuss kids??
5
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 12:18am
I've been dating my BF for 5 months now, and everything is going along great. We have fabulous communication and amazing physical and emotional chemistry. We've both discussed the importance of building a relationship slowly, and agree that we won't use the word "love" until we're absolutely certain and in a very secure place within our relationship. Both of us have been burned before, and take love very seriously. So far, so good. Problem is, he has a 15 year old son, and I've never had kids. I'm 28 years old and he is 35. Recently we happened to get on the subject of kids at which time he said (quite strongly I might add) that he didn't really think he'd ever want to have more children. I'm really unsure if this is important to me. I've never been in a relationship where I'd even consider raising a family with my partner. Nonetheless, every girl imagines her future as a mother. I'm just not sure if this is truly important to me, or if this is just what society expects of me as a woman. I was very open with him on all of my thoughts here, but I just don't know quite what to do. I don't want to fall in love with someone who doesn't want children if eventually I'll want a family of my own. Likewise, I don't want to end a potentially really good thing on the basis of what I may or may not want in the future. Furthermore, I don't even like to think about the idea of having kids with him so early on in our relationship-- it's putting too much pressure on the two of us, isn't it? Am I just avoiding the inevitable? I'm so afraid of getting my heart broken that I don't want to get in any deeper if we fundamentally just aren't compatible. Still, I've never even thought too much about having my own kids, so how am I supposed to know what I'll want in 5 or even 10 years from now. I know that the decision to have kids has to be my own, but I'm just not sure that I'm ready to even be thinking that way just yet. Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 10:25am

He brought up the subject of kids at the right time in your relationship - about 5 months. He brought it up for a reason. If you are unsure as to what you really want in life, then I don't see the harm with continuing your relationship, unless he has stated that he wouldn't want to go any further if you KNOW that you want kids.

He's making sure you know where he stands. He's also about 7 years older than you and has experienced raising a child. He doesn't want to hear down the road, "wouldn't it be great if we had a kid"?

You do have about 10 years to toy with the idea of having kids. If you are not sure about having kids at 28 years old, then you may not really want it that bad. In which case, this guy seems ideal.

Maybe this bothers you because he is putting restrictions on the relationship where you are more, "lets see what happens down the road". Because you mentioned "pressure" I am going to take "pressure" and turn it into "control" or "restrictions" because he is not putting pressure on you. Sometimes people want what is being denied to them, in which case you may start actually thinking about having kids because, with this guy, it is a definite you will not have any with him.

As you date older guys you will notice that they have parameters in their minds as to what they want and don't want, based on having experiences like marriage. We learn more about who we are and what we want, and don't want, after marriage and divorce. Guys more your age or younger really don't even think about parameters much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 2:37pm

I actually think it's a good thing... The fact that he's talking about it lets you know that he can see himself with you and wants to make sure you're both on the same page.


But here's the thing (and it's funny because I just told one of my girlfriends the same thing): You have to get really clear and honest with yourself about what you want. You have to decide if you may want kids one day. If you cannot answer a definite no, then you may want to talk about it with him and figure out if it would be a possibility or find another man. A few years ago I went through the same decision and though me wanting kids may put me in a category that may rule possible mates out, I wouldn't want to fall in love with someone who didn't see it as a possibility.


I guess the thing is, is this a dealbreaker for you? It's hard to predict the future so the best you can do is decide now if you think it may be something you want later.


My thoughts are with you. I know this is not an easy thing to decide on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 3:15pm

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Actually the way this was phrased is a common way for men to talk about things they haven't given much thought to. Think about it - if he was SURE he didn't want to have children the statement would have been more along the lines of 'I don't want to have any more kids" or the complete opposite. He'd say it that way because he HAS given it thought - and the thought is NO.

I read an article recently on this very thing (wish I could remember where) about how this kind of apparently negative statement is common in men and how women usually take as a death-knell without ever asking for clarification. Its simply a statement indicating a lack of thought on that subject more than anything else.

Now - I'm NOT implying when a man says this it means something else like women do - many say one thing, mean something else. But saying 'I don't know if I want X" is just that a statemetn that he doesn't know 100% one way or another - as in he hasn't considered it with any seriousness. What it should do is prompt an open and honest dialog to clarify and understand each other. And it sounds like you've done this a bit. But its not a one conversation kind of dialog.

What you may want to do is ask him to clarify. Tell him that at this age, you haven't really given much thought to having kids either but you haven't ruled it out at all and, if this is true, may want them in your future. Ask him how he feels about this and to think about it. Because it is important that you both know and understand what you are facing if you continue the relationship.

This is part of the 'getting to know if you are right for each other for long term' process. You are't supposed to know everything you'll want 10 years from now - and life has a funny way of throwing curves at you even when you do! - but you should have some general ideas. At the 5-month stage, you make the choice to bail completely because of what you perceive as a 'possible' dealbreaker (but you don't KNOW that it is)or you choose to talk about things and continue to get to know each other - beign open and honest about things as they come along. And when you have a clear picture of what you want you present it to each other - you either are still in agreement or one of you can't go further.

Right now - just find out if this is something you two can leave open ended for a while but to think aobut it. And in the meantime, you may want to try interacting with smaller kids (friends or family??) together and see how that goes. Again, its likely more about not having given it real thought (like you) than actually being dead set against it. Give it a little more time - and make sure that you each undertand the other's POV before deciding to end it - esp since this is the first time the topic has really been discussed.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 4:54pm

That's a toughy. Sometimes only time (and your partner and lifestyle) will tell. A lot of things can change over time...though to me, it does sound as though children are something you envision in your future. I wish I had a better answer!

Being that there's a few years between you and your partner...let's be hypothetical, and say you might be ready to have a baby at 35. How would he view the prospect of being a Dad at 42? If he's sounding pretty resolute in not having more children now, how do you suppose he'll feel in a few more years?

I think the key is to talk about it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 3:33pm

You've been dating 5 months

,